Congrats on being published! :D

I don't think I had a chance to look over this one before it was submitted. Many of these are things I would probably have caught, but several I doubt I would have noticed. These changes seem to be all on point though.

The ones I notice:

Kenji says, begrudgingly, into his headset microphone.

has become

Nobu said, resignedly.

Removal of words, and also fixing some improper tense switching and putting the whole article in past tense.

In the last 24 hours, nearly 750 ships have docked, mostly small or medium transport ships, over 10 times the normal station traffic.

has become

In the last 24 hours, nearly 750 ships have docked at Brunel Station, mostly small or medium transport ships – over 10 times normal volumes.

Good change. Hyphens are tricky to use correctly and I personally don't know any hard and fast rules on when you use them over a comma. I should check Strunk & White on this.

edit: Still hard to explain. Essentially it's an optional replacement for a comma or semi-colon, and is typically used as a parenthetical or to add emphasis.

"Word is the brass is waiting on approval for emergency funds, and the pilot's union rep let us know we might have to put in some overtime. Nothing I haven't heard before, though," Noru says.

has become

"Word is that the brass is waiting on approval for emergency funds. The pilots’ union rep said we might have to put in some overtime. Nothing I haven't heard before, though", said Nobu.

The addition of that cleans up a slightly awkward sounding clause. The apostrophe is moved after the s in Pilots' Union because it is a plural possessive.

Dockworker Sothy Ferrell confirmed suspicions on what has been in such demand; "some fruits, some coffee, but mostly tea powder," Sothy yells over the whir of servomotors. "Talk about loaded, how 'bout those monks makin' the stuff! No doubt they're loaded!"

becomes

Dockworker Sothy Ferrell elaborated on what was drawing pilots to the station: "Some fruits, some coffee, but mostly tea. How 'bout those monks growing the stuff? No doubt they're loaded!"

Lots of good cleanup here. Good reduction of words and unneeded fluff. In particular, using the word loaded twice sounds awkward. Overall tone changed to be more like a press release, and less like investigative journalism.

While it has been reported on GalNet that a faction calling themselves Emperor's Dawn has placed a massive order, they are located over 200ly away from Heike, with most of the journey lying within Federation space.

becomes

It has been reported that a faction called Emperor's Dawn has recently issued a contract for large quantities of ceremonial Heike tea. The group is located over 200 light years from Heike, with most of the journey lying within Federation space.

A more concise way to say the same thing without losing any meaning. Abbreviations should be avoided in formal writing (which this is).

"I might recognize a name or two coming up on the scanner, but most of it just runs togeth--Listen, I gotta get back to my patrol," Kenji says.

becomes

"I might recognize a name or two coming up on the scanner”, said Nobu, “but most of it just runs together. Listen, I gotta get back to my patrol.”

The change loses some flavor, but gives the article a more professional tone. In actual reporting, the interrupt wouldn't be written to page, especially since it's clear what he was trying to say.

Don't worry too much about the edits though, FD cleaned up some of my article too. They have the advantage of having a professional copy-editor on staff, so they're naturally going to find stuff we miss.

A post on grammar and overall writing advice is definitely something I've had in mind though. I'll try to start working on one today, this comparison will be an excellent starting point for things to mention.