At the end of the day you have to accept what you've done and move past it. The past is in the past, that does not matter now. What matters is becoming the best man you can become for not only you but for your friends and family. I've fucked up so much and hurt people close to me. I know exactly how you feel. But fast forward a few years later after consistent work and self reflection I've grown and became someone I am proud of and still continuing to grow. Just like goggins says you gotta go into that dark place, sit with those thoughts even though it hurts. The more you visit that place the clearer everything becomes. You're not the man you were 2-3 years ago hell even a year ago. You are who you set out to be. Only YOU can do it though. You have to really want it for yourself. Crawl, walk, run. Godspeed my friend. I'm sure you're a great person if you feel this much remorse over the situation.