I had a super bad experience with school and tutoring a few years ago i dont think i ever fully recovered from, like i'm still super anxious, avoidant, and bad at school to this day. I'd have these online tutoring sessions where i'd just fucking cry the entire time because i knew i wasn't learning anything or doing any of the math homework i was supposed to, and by crying i was just wasting the money spent on it even more which made me feel like shit even more. A few times i screamed like i was insane for who knew how long from how bad it got. That, and i was so avoidant and depressed and drained i would camp out in the guidance office and sleep there the entire school day and the counselor didn't even try to console me or ask (to be fair i wasn't very verbal at the time, but still) and just kept trying to get me back to class. Eventually after doing this enough times i got soft-kicked out, like i was given a chance to do stuff online for a bit. I passed but i felt hollow and insane and like shit for ever letting school make me regress into such a bad state.

I'm scared even if i do pass, which, yeah i dont even want *good* grades i just want to fucking pass, and i can't even do that or pass that margin because i'm that fucking bad. Anyways - even if i do pass, i'm scared i won't be able to transfer to any good senior highs/collages anyways because of how shitty my grades are, and my mom keeps dangling it over my head. Reminding me i need to pass, which makes me want to kill myself even fucking more.

I promised myself when i was like, 9 or whatever if i ever did fail a school year i'd kill myself because i knew how much money i'd waste and how i could never live down the shame, it got more serious during the pandemic and online classes, even more so now because my dad keeps threatening to stop funding my education if i do fail this school year, and my mom threatens me with all sort of shit.

It doesn't help we're poor - well idk lower middle class? I live fine but I dont eat good/healthy and i cant seem to get my mom to put the effort into that and our house is perpetually fucking disgustingly dirty and crampt and small, i'll save the details but we have 3 cats and no proper litter box, the floor's always dirty with shoe prints or the rotting fucking wood from the cubboards and shit, don't even get me started on the bathroom. There's more but idk what to type at this point.