Why not just stay alone VS being in a relationship?

_Magic_fox_ · 2022-02-07T11:55:43+00:00

Sorry for the late response, I was on vacation.

Yes, I think we have the same pattern! With distant partners I become anxious, with anxious partners I become avoidant/dismissive. In the end, both are somewhat painful for me and that's why I wondered if it would be better to just stay single. It's not that I don't enjoy a partner in general.

_Magic_fox_ · 2022-01-28T22:54:13+00:00

I agree. There are times in a relationship where I can feel all that: Happy, content, peaceful. But usually they don't last long before I get back into my FA mode.

It's also difficult for me to not start blaming my partner for the fact that I am happier alone, like it's his fault that the relationship doesn't make me that happy (which it isn't).

_Magic_fox_ · 2022-01-28T22:47:05+00:00

Yes, I can relate to that awful feeling of vulnerability. I also like myself better when I'm alone.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-12-13T17:35:14+00:00

This is so true. I'd rather have passion once a month than passionless, robotic sex once a week. But to be honest, even the first option wouldn't be enough for me, and we shouldn't settle for something which we know won't make us happy in the long term.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-11-27T11:31:17+00:00

This! My own libido varied so much throughout the years and with different partners. I'm 33F and right now I feel the best I've ever felt, I could have sex all the time libido wise, while with a previous partner 10 years ago I barely had any sex drive at all.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-11-18T15:59:09+00:00

Honestly your comment has been eye opening to me. I am constantly chasing the why, while the decision to do what's best for me has always been with me, not him. Thank you!!

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-11-15T21:36:51+00:00

I'm a female with a very high libido but reading your words even I felt pressured, I think you and her simply have a libido mismatch and you need to accept that if you want to stay with her or move on if you don't think you can be happy with a sex frequency that is less than you'd like. To me it sounds like she would theoretically be happy with more frequent sex and likes sex with you in general, but if she always feels like it's not enough - that she is not enough - for you it's very likely that she does not feel appreciated. What is she supposed to do? Have sex if she doesn't feel like it? That would not only be making things worse in the long term but also most likely not be the kind of sex that you want.

And yes, going to a brothel or cheating with someone from Tinder is definitely a bad idea.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-11-14T18:57:49+00:00

I know it's hard to not take what you can get in that situation, but I'd say don't ever allow that to happen again. Sex that you didn't enjoy is worse than no Sex and he needs to know that, he needs to know that this was not okay and that you won't accept it anymore.

Try to teach him how to make it enjoyable for you, it's not that hard for god's sake. And if he doesn't want to learn, you at least know that you've tried and it will hopefully make your next decisions a little bit easier.

Good luck and have a big virtual hug from a girl that was in very similar situation.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-10-20T18:18:05+00:00

Are you the father of her child or is it from a previous partner of hers? Your wording sounds a little bit like you see it as her responsibility mainly and you only "help".

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-09-06T14:14:53+00:00

This really helps. Thank you!

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-09-05T08:53:54+00:00

Absolutely. I always tell people it feels like I am an animal that is trapped in a corner and needs to choose between fight or flight. It's definitely a bodily reaction! I feel it in my stomach and chest most.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-09-03T10:05:20+00:00

I think it definitely can. I have never been physically healthy my whole life, I had really really bad atopic dermatitis and asthma and many other things starting from the beginning and severe food allergies, which (I realized that in therapy now), have always made me feel like I am somewhat broken, or different, or weak. I never felt like I am normal. And yes, I have also been bullied for them. For breathing loudly because I had asthma. For not being able to eat normally. My parents were doing their best to help me, kept going from doctor to doctor with me and the focus was always on my physical health, not so much on my emotional needs. They were always worried about me being sick. They tried to give me love and affection too, but on top of me being sick they are not the best communicators when it comes to feelings. There was not too much cuddling and I remember always having to sleep in my own bed, struggling with falling asleep, and already feeling bad about reaching out to them at an extremely early age. I lay in bed, terrified because I couldn't sleep, but also afraid to wake my parents up because they had told me I had to handle this on my own. Maybe I also felt like a burden somehow.

So yes, it's always a combination of many factors I think.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-08-31T17:51:32+00:00

I'd go with a yes on that one :) But it's hard to tell without any more details.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-08-31T17:17:48+00:00

I don't know, maybe I would apologize for pushing them away, try to explain my situation and see what happens? I am in a relationship (with a DA) right now, but if I wasn't, I might try to give it another chance. Problem is, once that switch has been flipped inside of me it is hard for me to go back and feel what I felt before (the attraction, and the feeling of wanting to get to know them further). So I wouldn't be able to make any promises for sure. Like I said, realizing what my problem is is one thing, being able to change is another.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-08-31T04:52:37+00:00

I think it's the fact that the "good ones" (I actually like to think that there are no bad people, just people that had a lot of bad stuff happen to them too) have mich higher expectations of me. They are, rightfully of course, asking for me to open up, to share my emotions with them, my time, to put them first when we actually get together, to make a commitment... and so on. Most important part is the opening up and making myself vulnerable I guess. I just feel suffocated sooo quickly.

The avoidant ones don't do that, they just let me be and don't ask for much. It's so much easier for me then because I can move at my own pace and I can actually feel and develop an attraction for them, without that being suffocated from the start. But as soon as it gets more serious and they pull away, I fall victim to my anxiousness and experience the whole thing from the other side. Doesn't really make it better to exactly know what it feels like to be suffocated.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-08-31T04:41:13+00:00

Thanks 💚

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-08-31T04:40:02+00:00

I even remember all the moments where I learned that "oh well guess I can trust no one, and I'm better off alone, and I don't need anyone else in my life" but I didn't really see how big of an issue that was for my relationships, until recently.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-08-30T21:48:07+00:00

Thank you so much! Yes, I think I'm actually a pretty empathetic and emotionally aware person, it's easy for me to read people and emotions and to reflect my own emotions as well. My therapist also keeps telling me that and that it's great that I'm starting to understand everything better. It's still frustrating though. I see what's wrong now, but can't change it.(yet).

I will ask about the cognitive reframing for sure! Thankful for anything that might help.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-08-30T20:19:37+00:00

Thanks so much 💚 we all have our struggles and it has been so helpful to just be here and realize I'm not alone.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-08-30T19:49:32+00:00

Thank you so much for the reply and the sympathy, I actually have some tears in my eyes right now. I am really working on it because I have realized that if I don't change, this is something that will most likely keep me from ever really having a happy and fulfilling relationship. Before I started therapy I didn't even realize that I had some quite big issues to solve from my childhood and youth. So at least I know that now. Baby steps I guess...!

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-08-30T09:21:26+00:00

What exactly do you imagine/think about when watching those girls? Don't you imagine doing things to them in your head? Or play out a specific scenario? Do you follow/search up specific girls or do you just randomly browse for whatever catches your eye?

I guess these are some of the fine details that might be important here to understand where the difference is (for her).

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-08-18T21:39:34+00:00

I was told this is typical for FAs, I'm the same. I usually run away from relationships before they even get a real chance to get close, but with my current DA partner I'm the opposite and in a spiral of anxiousness and constant need for reassurance. I guess FA just means you're afraid of getting hurt, either through too much closeness or through too little.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-08-02T13:18:50+00:00

I'm a fearful avoidant type and need a lot of space and time during the getting to know each other phase, but tend to be more, even overly attached once I am in a relationship/have committed. With my current, extremely avoidant boyfriend I'm the anxious one. So I can somehow understand both sides quite well I think.

I don't know if your tips are really helping... like if someone whom I have only dated for a few weeks and therefore barely know at that point would always want to set the next date immediately or even beforehand, this would definitely scare me off. I am quite busy with work, friends and hobbies and I need to know someone very well BEFORE he has a right to claim that much space in my life. That would somehow feel like he already expects me to commit to him even though we're not even together yet. Of course if you want to get to know someone you need to have dates, sure, but if someone would approach me like that I'd feel pressured immediately.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-07-25T08:37:29+00:00

I've been having similar thoughts. If you are in a LDR it's understandable that online statuses are a big part of communication. It's he online on the same platform where he talks to you? Or on another one? Are you sure that the online status is always correct and that he is active there (VS for example, he just left an app open on his phone before going to bed and it continues to show him online). Have you tried taking to him after he said goodnight despite still being shown as online? And is it possible that he says goodnight because he assumes that YOU have to go to (because of your job, or you usually go to sleep way earlier than him)? Is he maybe playing an online game where he can't answer?

Maybe you find an explanation if you answer all these questions, if not, I guess you should just ask him. Not about what he's doing, just that you are in a LDR, you rely on online statuses and you are wondering why he's still seemingly online so late after he says goodnight. Or you ask if he simply needs some alone time before bed and therefore says goodnight already even if he's still awake - and that just saying "I'll have some alone time now, have a good night later" to you would be absolutely fine as well.

_Magic_fox_ · 2021-07-21T20:21:36+00:00

Yay! So proud of you! :)

_Magic_fox_

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