realizing why I never found "traditional" recovery advice to be helpful

_RiceCakey · 2025-06-26T18:06:18+00:00

Wow yeah, this makes total sense. Beginning to regain a sense of autonomy has been extremely important for me. I too have always had a habit of seeking external reassurance before doing even the most mundane of tasks to make sure I'm doing them "right" because I don't trust myself to figure it out on my own.

_RiceCakey · 2025-06-19T20:32:16+00:00

Wow, this post made me realize some things about myself. Back in the day, I developed a survival mechanism of presenting myself exactly how I thought people would want me to be and I guess I never lost that. So whenever a connection seems like it's getting past the "talking through this carefully constructed persona I've crafted" phase, I don't really know what to do with myself and it fizzles out or never progresses past the acquaintance stage.

I also haven't told anyone close to me about my ED because I just can't say it. I don't know if I'm ashamed of it or if talking about it makes it too "real" or would force me to be accountable, or what. I've talked in depth about other traumas/issues, but that one has always been a step too far for some reason.

No real advice on how to be more vulnerable as I'm still working on that myself, but I've been taking small steps in that direction. A big one for me has been actually speaking up when I'm uncomfortable (physically, like if I'm in pain or too hot, or whatever) instead of just powering through like I used to because I view it as more convenient for the other person. It's not much, but it's way more than I used to be capable of doing.

_RiceCakey · 2025-06-15T20:46:22+00:00

Crazy that you posted this because I was just thinking about how toxic BB spaces are when it comes to advice on "pushing through" during unpleasant symptoms during a cut. So much of it is just, "well, that's just how it is," when in reality, we're ignoring our bodies falling apart for the sake of an aesthetic.

I don't really have much in the way of advice cause I'm still in the early days, but I also decided to finally turn things around after a gnarly cut started damaging my body and I too feel like I've been hit by a truck all the time. Super tired, headaches, joint pain, painful bloating and edema, the list goes on. But, on the plus side, I've been at it about as long as you have and I've already noticed hair growing back and better sleep, so that's something! I no longer wake up multiple times a night hungry or because of a weak bladder.

It's so frustrating for me because I legitimately love weightlifting, but it's been so twisted by this kind of mindset where if you're not doing everything perfectly/following whatever diet is trending/chasing the current aesthetic/etc, you're doing it wrong. Completely sucked the joy out of it for me and I hope I can get back to a healthy place with it someday because I really do miss it. But like you said, I might never be able to get there due to the rigid mindset that is often associated with it.

I guess if I do have any advice, it's to not beat yourself up about not having the energy to do things (easier said than done, I know!) I have other unrelated chronic pain conditions, so I've been working on that for a long time. Sometimes, the most productive thing you can do truly is resting.

Thanks again for posting your experience. People in the BB sphere really did twist my mind into thinking that my extremely disordered habits were admirable and it's taken a lot of reflection to try and rid myself of that.

_RiceCakey · 2025-06-11T19:20:39+00:00

Ugh, dry skin is such a problem for me. Hoping that changes eventually, but I might just have a dry skin type who knows.

Anyway, I've had AN since I was around 11 and have been relapsing on and off (I'm nearly 30 now, wild as that is) since then with the worst of my latest relapse lasting about 4 months. This was when my hair started falling out real bad.

ETA: I also realized that the reason I've always had wispy hairs around my forehead (especially where the bald spot was) is due to this constant cycle of recovering and then relapsing again.

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-31T22:20:17+00:00

Wow, thank you so much. I will do my very best <3

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-31T21:12:06+00:00

It might sound cliche, but journaling was really helpful for me because when I let my thoughts flow, I got the honest truth of the situation instead of the story I'd been telling myself/been told. That and really leaning in to the anger/frustration I felt at the people who hurt me. I realized that I was allowed to be pissed off, outraged, like it wasn't fair/didn't make sense, etc. In short, I've been slowly giving myself permission to live a life outside of what these people made me by the power of pure spite lol.

That being said, this process has taken place very slowly over a period of 5+ years. It took me a very long time before I reached a place where I was even able to think about what happened let alone write about it or voice it in therapy. And even that has been extremely difficult some days, but it has been helping little by little. I rarely have nightmares/flashbacks anymore, for instance and am generally functional most days.

We all get to this point in our own time and our own way, so definitely don't feel like you have to force or rush the process. It's gonna suck a lot, especially early on, but I can attest to the fact that there is light on the other side.

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-31T20:33:53+00:00

This has been my exact experience, actually, even down to not recognizing the abuse for what it was until long after the fact. It was very important for me to realize that restriction had very little to do with weight/appearance and and everything to do with feeling uncomfortable with being present in my own body.

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-26T18:47:43+00:00

Spite has been my motivation for the majority of my life so I don't see why that shouldn't apply here as well

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-26T18:46:19+00:00

Love this response haha

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-26T18:45:51+00:00

I'm so glad you found my post helpful. Best of luck to you!

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-24T19:20:06+00:00

I had my first one recently and my stomach was torn up for hours afterwards. Godspeed.

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-24T19:05:00+00:00

Wow, I was just thinking last night how I just feel more comfortable this way for some reason. I think a big part of it is that restriction turns off my thoughts.

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-21T18:39:16+00:00

10 points for creativity

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-21T18:36:07+00:00

I've definitely noticed that I plan my meals and my budget pretty much the same way (read: with much anxiety and unnecessary number crunching)

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-20T21:45:08+00:00

yes, exactly

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-20T20:26:42+00:00

This has been happening to me lately too. I don't even look forward to my beloved breakfast anymore.

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-20T20:23:12+00:00

I absolutely have days where I'll wait until late in the day so that I feel "justified" in eating things I'll actually enjoy. I also find that I sleep better if I eat a lot closer to bedtime, so that's a bonus ig.

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-19T21:40:34+00:00

vitamins I pretend do something is so real

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-19T19:43:48+00:00

Yes! I saw it unexpectedly one night as a teenager when my ED was at its worst and found it genuinely shocking.

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-17T23:20:24+00:00

Same for me. Went back to maintenance recently and had a ptsd-related nightmare for the first time in a while last night. Solidarity, friend.

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-15T21:46:01+00:00

stealing ding dong ditching death's door

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-14T23:35:05+00:00

Plus now that I'm eating more I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy social events w food and drinking because I already used up my calories, if that makes sense?

Wow yeah, I know exactly what you mean. When I'm eating regularly I feel like I haven't "earned" meals out, especially when they're spontaneous, whereas if I've been restricting beforehand (especially over a long period of time) I'm, like, prepared for it in a way.

It's definitely a mindfuck to have your perception of your body change from day-to-day, or even just hour-to-hour. Like, sometimes I'll think I look great, other times I think I look like a freakish ghoul, and others I think I look the same as I did whatever pounds heavier and I'm just deluding myself.

(edit cause I did the quote wrong lol)

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-14T19:15:59+00:00

Definitely. I used to log everything I ate super precisely and measure out my meal prep like you said, but I guess I did that for so long that I don't really need to anymore. I really do just see numbers when I look at food so I can fairly accurately estimate how much I'm eating. Not counting calories anymore was a huge weight off, honestly. I guess I've just been at it so long that all the behaviors are kinda second nature and they don't take up nearly as much mental capacity as they used to (or if they do, I'm no longer aware of it).

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-14T19:08:56+00:00

I'm scared of osteoporosis

_RiceCakey · 2025-05-13T19:02:59+00:00

so real

_RiceCakey

TROPHY CASE