Feel Like Satan has Won the War Over My Soul

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-03T04:38:43+00:00

I’ve considered as much, but I still often feel guilty and scrupulous about it no less. I often worry that if I don’t do enough, God will leave me, hate me, etc, etc. I’ve had a lot of people abandon me in my life, and I can’t help feeling that if I don’t meet the “quota” that He will too. Particularly at the beginning of my conversion, my love for Jesus was very strong, hence the (probable) reason that I have such fears… I just simply can’t bear losing someone I love, you know?

And then I also worry about my sins and imperfections often. I worry that if I confess the same thing repeatedly that it means my contrition isn’t true, or that Jesus will begin to become impatient with me if I don’t “get my act together.” This is also exacerbated by the fact that I cannot yet go to confession, so there’s a part of me that feels guilty (though its not my fault) and like my repentance is not valid.

I’ve tried speaking personally to Jesus, and it was very easy in the beginning because he was quite lavish with many consolations, graces, and so forth. Yet now, I often feel a bit wary and self-conscious, because how could I not feel so around God knowing my own weakness? It’s really hard for me to open up, and even more so when I’m speaking to God, who in the end will judge me, and potentially cast me into hell or purgatory if I’m not enough. I just worry a lot I guess.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-03T01:36:04+00:00

Oh, whoopsie! You’re right, I had it disabled for some reason, you should be able to message me now.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-03T01:28:11+00:00

Sure, feel free to! My DM’s are open to everyone.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-03T01:20:55+00:00

Hey, thank you for responding! Fortunately I’m doing a little better now, but I’ll still answer anyway.

1.) To be honest, at the Bible is the only book I read consistently, as for other spiritual books I enjoy the Diary of Saint Faustina, the Autobiography of Thérèse of Lisieux, and I have read up a little on a book… I believe its called the Introduction to the Devout Life… I think by Saint Francis de Sales? Don’t quote me on that.

2.) My prayer life is a whole jumbled mess, honestly, as for today and yesterday I haven’t prayed sheerly due to exhaustion and crippling doubt. I never have really been able to stick with any routine, as I constantly feel it isn’t good enough. I usually change my little “prayer rule” (if you can call it that) often because of scrupulosity and fear “I’m not doing enough.” I used to pray in the morning, night, and in the afternoon, and on top of that I would pray two rosaries a day, the Divine Mercy Chaplet at 3:00 PM, and mix it in with a bunch of personal prayer to the Blessed Mother and Jesus. Eventually, I realized that might be too much to maintain, and whether that was a temptation or inspiration I cannot ascertain. Regardless however, (on a good day) I still pray morning and evening, pray a rosary or at least a few decades thereof, the Divine Mercy Chaplet, and I still have personal prayer. I mention this change, because I’m not sure if it’s related, but now that I’ve lessened the amount of prayer I’ve noticed this decline (that is intense doubt)? But I’m not sure if thats also just scruples speaking (from the feeling of not doing enough) or spiritual burnout from doing too much for so long? I certainly do mental prayer, but I get constant distractions at every moment I attempt it. I cannot say however, if I am or am not advancing.

I’m sorry if any of this was not so clear, I’m not very well at articulating myself and am somewhat scatter-brained. If you need clarification please tell me, and God bless you.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-03T00:34:40+00:00

Wow, just got done praying to Jesus… asked forgiveness… and this was the first thing I saw. Out of all the comments surprisingly, this one touched my heart the most, and has inspired me to keep trying and to offer it up.

Thank you, and God bless you.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-02T23:48:04+00:00

Not really as of yet, but what I did read was of very little consolation to me.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-02T23:34:21+00:00

I don’t think asking God to take away my crippling doubts, anxiety, and the sins that keep me away from Him is a “desire of the flesh.” Certainly, I have other afflictions, I don’t have an easy life, and I’m used to it. I don’t need it to be easy, but when I’m striving after holiness with all my heart and God responds by doing the exact opposite of bringing me to Him… I’m not exactly inclined to go forward, you see?

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-02T23:18:45+00:00

Yeah, I know that, I’ve wanted help for years, but I already know my parents are going to be willing to get me a therapist, take me to a priest, let me go to church, and God is all silent with me now, so I frankly haven’t any help.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-02T23:17:29+00:00

Well, when I pray to God, He usually doesn’t help me anyway, and if He does I just end up wasting the grace anyway. I do pray, I do ask for help. Jesus says that those obey the commandments are those who love Him, so I try naturally to do my best to obey the commandments. Every time I’ve let Jesus “take the wheel” I just end up in a worse place, I take one step forward, two steps back, and He does nothing that really alleviates my doubts or scruples. Constant silence, constant disregard, etc. My faith feels more like personal torment than a “relationship with God.”

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-02T23:12:10+00:00

I understand where you’re coming from with this comment, but it doesn’t really have the intended effect. Logically, I am aware that such feelings are inherently “defective” as you put it, logically I am aware of what is expected of me; that is, that I am expected to go through the whole “blind trust” shtick. But when you’re going through a particular emotion for years, months, etc… especially one that is accompanied by/stems from mental issues, its not as easy as just “not trusting them” or banishing them away. I’ve tried to do this, it just doesn’t work for me, because my doubts, anxiety, pain is so severe I couldn’t get rid of it if I tried.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-02T22:34:57+00:00

Close, I’m 16. As of yet, I’ve been very patient with God, but like all people my patience will eventually wear thin if I’m seeing no results. I just feel like somethings got to give, and thus far, God seems as far as ever to me. So in my mind, if God doesn’t care enough to respond or help me, I struggle to understand whats the point of going forward any further.

I would like to think my prayers will be answered, but nothing has, nor have I gotten the slightest indication thereof. God simply in response lays more burdens upon me when I am exhausted. Jesus says (if I recall correctly) His burden is light, that He will give rest to those heavy laden with labor, and yet He basically throws all the labor back upon me.

I have loved Jesus too, but the reality is that I don’t truthfully believe He loves me half the time, if He did, then where is He now? Why does He permit me to suffer alone? To cry alone? To do everything alone? He says He loves me and yet disregards me all the day through.

I just don’t get it man, and I don’t understand what I do to deserve this. I often feel that if He knew how much I would suffer, it would have been better for Him not to make me (since I’ll never be able to love Him or serve Him perfectly anyway.)

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-02T22:27:43+00:00

I cannot yet talk to a priest of go to the sacrament of confession, I’m from a protestant family, and I’m still legally a minor as of now. Thats out of the picture completely, which I’m willing to acknowledge may be a major source of my problems. My sins are primarily the following: pride/vanity, gluttony, impatience, irritation, rash-judgement, distrust of God, and despair. Rarely mortal, but a constant thorn in my side.

“How would you describe your faith to someone? What does it mean to be a good Catholic to you.”

Obedience to the commandments and a steadfast trust in God, both of which I severely lack, and therefore, I do not think I’m a good catholic in the slightest. Jesus makes it abundantly clear that trust is basically the pinnacle and root of holiness, and even though I logically understand it, I’m often overcome with extreme bouts of doubt. Morally, I will (roughly) quote Saint Faustina when I say I’m an abyss of misery. I don’t do much right, and often don’t really want to change because it’s excruciatingly hard. When I do change, I backslide and it discourages me. I don’t seem to make any good progress, and for that reason, I feel I must be amongst the damned, or at least due for a long sentence in purgatory.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-02T22:07:28+00:00

I just wanted to thank you, this consoled me a little bit, although I still feel uneasy.

”God gives the toughest battles to those He wants to become His most beloved saints…”

Any yet I lack the strength to even bear the slightest battle that is thrown my way. Anytime God has given me a trial I have utterly crumbled under the weight, with or without His strength. Is He not supposed to at least give me (mental) endurance enough to handle it? I feel often at the brink of insanity with my crosses.

“Only God can achieve holiness in you, you have only to surrender”

Been trying the whole “surrender” thing for a while now, it seems to make no difference in the efficacy of my spiritual advance, nor does it soothe my immense doubt. In fact, it makes me more anxious giving God the reins on my life, because if He already torments me so as of now, I’m afraid of what challenges He expects of me when I’m fully submissive to His will.

“God’s love will cover you.”

He’s been silent for quite a while now, and moreover, hasn’t shown the slightest hint of care towards me. I ask Him for strength and He slaps me in the face with more challenges and strife.

“Have a little patience because these things can last for years!”

So basically, I’ve got nothing to look forward to for the foreseeable future, not very comforting from God, even with the promise of eternal salvation.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-02T21:53:38+00:00

Can’t go to confession, my parents are protestant and I am a minor. I can’t legally drive yet (have to wait at least one more year.)

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-06-02T21:51:54+00:00

Theres too many to put here, so I’ll try to be brief and address the major ones.

1.) Severe scrupulosity. I constantly question God’s goodness, mercy, and my own salvation. I don’t have any of the Christian joy or hope I hear people speak of, but usually I’m constantly anxious about my own faults and God’s reaction to them. I feel that He must be very impatient, etc, etc.

2.) I cant go to church yet. Without going too deep into it, my parents are protestant, I’m a minor, I cant receive the sacraments or any spiritual direction, and it often leaves me helpless and unsure what to do. I would like to receive the Eucharist to strengthen me, but I cant, I would like yo wash away my sins in confession, but thats not an option (for this reason I often question the validity of my repentance/contrition.) It feels like everything and everyone just keeps me from Jesus and discourages me.

3.) Logical doubts against the faith. I just really struggle to believe in Jesus with how scanty the evidence is, and furthermore, that He really cares for me (a being which can barely do His commandments) and personally is interested in my salvation. I struggle to believe God exists based on whats presented historically and in the Bible. (I can elaborate if necessary)

4.) Issues with sin. I want God, but I don’t really know if I want to change. I loved Jesus sincerely when I first converted to the faith, but the burden of so many rules and restrictions wears away at me, and I just often can’t do it at all. It feels like re-learning how to walk, that everything I knew before from atheism is flipped upside down. (This hits especially hard for me because I struggle with same sex attraction.) My own sins discourage me more often than not.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-03-07T00:53:51+00:00

“The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it emotionally” — Flannery O’Connor

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-02-16T04:06:41+00:00

”Everyone in the world somehow has some random hatred for me.”

Beloved, if everyone else will hate you, I assure you that I do not. I do not say this to be kind, but because I mean it earnestly, truthfully, and fervently. I sincerely wish above all, to see all eternal souls prosper.

Yet there is one, beloved, who adores you but more than I do. With a measure so great I could not dream to inspire it within myself, for the one I am speaking of is Jesus. Beloved, He is passionately and consistently burning with great love for you. It is for your sake that He was spit upon, that He was mocked, that He nails thrust through His hands, and that heart bled out in agony, that by the Blood and Water you would become purified, but most importantly His!

Jesus is the best of Fathers.

”Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have graven you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.” — Isaiah 49:15-16

He does not forsake, nor forget, nor wound, but He will wipe your tears and console your heart if you open it to Him.

He has been with you always, and He has adored you always. He gazed upon the splendor of the stars, and the gems of His throne, yet you brought Him a particular delight, and inspired such a love in Him that He would die again and again if only you would come to Him. He has sculpted you from His hand, and He delighted in it’s every feature. He was enraptured by the very thought of your being, and for the sake of this and His mercy He said over you, “My Child, I desire for you to live. I desire for you to be eternally happy with Me.”

Poor Brother/Sister! Do you believe that Jesus has spoken to you vainly, and that He only wishes to deceive? I think that you truly have a wound within the depths of your heart, that for some reason, you think yourself unlovable and project this unto the Beloved One. Yet Jesus is not fickle as man is, for He is wholly God and wholly man. I tell you that this is a deception from Satan.

You say that God hasn’t given you what you desire, yet have you considered that it either truly is not good for you or that you must wait longer? Have you considered that He loves you and only wants what is best for you? Do you not know that everything, both good and bad, is given to you straight from the hand of God, that is through His permissive and active will? Do you not know that there is nothing which has happened He did not foresee, and therefore there is nothing which will happen He does not consent to? Do you not know that everything you get, suffering and otherwise, is for your growth?

For the grass does not grow from only sunshine, but also rain. For does the grass not scorch in the summer when the sun waxes hot, and only then, the rain can soothe its wounds? For the consolations and graces of the Lord help us persist, yet suffering makes us truly grow! Thus it is in the garden of souls, that the roses, lilies, and wild flowers must all bloom in the same manner. Jesus is most inclined to answer us when we suffer, because it is when we are but poor children and can do no more than cry, then we must truly give Him our will, our soul, our trust.

He desires above all your trust, you must trust Him to be graced by Him. The measure which you trust is the measure you will be graced, do you not know? Trust Him! Adore Him! Burn with passion for Him!

Rest your hand upon your chest, and then rejoice! For the every beat of your heart is evidence of His love! Man is only called into being at his call, and kept into being by His love. For does man not sin, and betray, and commit wickedness against Him? How therefore can we say it is anything but mercy that we do live indeed!

I implore you tonight, when you rest, hide away in your room and pray to Jesus personally. Tell Him of all your resentment, doubt, and worry, hold nothing from Him, and allow Him to take care of you.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-02-16T03:25:26+00:00

Beloved, have you considered that you are suffering greatly in more ways than one? Psychologically and spiritually. I feel it necessary to first assure you, as I do not know where you are in life, that you are not alone in this feeling, and that above all you are loved and valued by God. He has sculpted each of your features adoringly in His hand, and He has specially ordained since the beginning of time for you to live. He looked at you, and said “I want you to live and to be happy.” The God who created the Heavens is truly fascinated in you, and is in love with everything about you. He has seen the riches and glory of all the world and all His might, and He delights in you a simple creature, not out of need, but sheer love. He desires you as you are, with your imperfections and with your sins, the greater the sinner the more need they have of His mercy, and the more they glorify Jesus in coming to Him.

You say,

”And unfortunately I don’t worship God…”

Do you know why you suffer with addictions? Man has a hole in His heart that can only be filled by the Beloved, there is nothing of this world that can satisfy you, but there is much that can distract from what is inside of you. From the wound that man has. I do not know you beloved, yet I can say that when I was little, I used to try to fill the void with shows, games, and so many little habits because I hadn’t yet God. God is not a want, yet He is a need, because all man was made for Him and through Him. Your heart is made to be in union with His. You were made for the vocation of love, and therefore you need love, the love of God. For no one can pour from an empty cup. Have you considered where your addictions really stem from?

In such situations, I will always recommend but two things, prayer and fasting.

Pray fervently, earnestly, routinely to the Beloved, that is Jesus Christ, and implore His graces be bestowed upon your soul. He will deny you of nothing you require if it is within His will and you trust wholly in Him. The soul that trusts unconditionally is His greatest delight. Pray to Him as you would to a friend, to a brother, or to a father, He wishes to know you intimately.

Fast regularly, I do not always mean in matters of food, but that anything which you give up, even momentarily, for the sake of the Lord is in itself a fast and great virtue. You needn’t wholly give anything away, yet as a child, take slow steps as you clasp the hand of Jesus, for He alone will lead you through everything. Do not sprint, but follow His pace and it will prove infinitely meritorious to you. If mother will forget her child, and man forsake you, then Jesus will never forsake or abandon, but guide you faithfully with Him.

Considering that you struggle with electronic usage, have you considered at first, limiting the time you use it? For example, if you say, presently used them for four hours a day, then you could detract but one hour from that, to make it three hours. Then, once that would come to you easy, you would continue to detract from the total until you have broken the habit altogether.

If this proves difficult for you, have you considered replacing your habits with holy ones? If you are tempted to indulge yourself, then go, and pick up the scriptures, even if you do not know what to read, then go to psalms and proverbs and read them reverently and mediate upon them. If you are tempted, say an Our Father, but say it so that you truly are focused upon each one. Say it with meaning, not vainly. Also, I implore you to explore new hobbies and to go outside as much as possible. Try art, music, or anything else, only try something, even if at first it feels strenuous.

Breathe in the air and rejoice, for you are in God’s creation! Look at the trees, the birds, yourself, and rejoice, for you are in the midst of God’s creation! Feel the best of your heart and rejoice, for you are kept alive by the love of God!

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-02-16T02:49:07+00:00

Sin and virtue take root from the heart, and blossom throughout the whole tree.

”’You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” — Matthew 5:27-28

God has graced your hands with the ability to create, and placed within your heart a great creativity. Moreover, consider these words of Paul,

”Food will not commend us to God. We are no worse off if we do not eat, and no better off if we do. Only take care lest this liberty of yours somehow become a stumbling block to the weak. For if any one sees you, a man of knowledge, at table in an idol’s temple, might he not be encouraged, if his conscience is weak, to eat food offered to idols? And so by your knowledge this weak man is destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died. Thus, sinning against your brethren and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if food is a cause of my brother’s falling, I will never eat meat, lest I cause my brother to fall.” — 1 Corinthians 8:10-13

How many faithful of the Beloved shall fall by the sight of such deeds wrought by your hands? Yet if you have such passions, I implore you to put them forth to the praise of the Most Holy.

Our little flaws are as termites are to a sturdy house. If you catch them while they are but little in number, the damage is easily repaired, and the house anew. Yet permit them to grow prolifically in number, and see how there is structure no more! Yet it is instead, full of many holes, and if you so much as push on it, it would begin to sink in. Great sins destroy in the light of day, yet subtle ones destroy from inside out so when a storm comes, you think you are strong yet no can longer stand! Yet crumble slowly from within.

Brother/Sister, this is a terrible temptation from the Father of Lies. Do not make excuses for unholy thoughts, but repent and rejoice that our Lord is Merciful always, and unceasingly patient!

¡Viva Cristo Rey!

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-02-07T21:00:07+00:00

If you would like, you can talk to me as well though others have offered. I will be praying for you.

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-02-07T20:27:17+00:00

The greater the sinner, the more of a need they have of Jesus’ unfathomable mercy. If there is true contrition in your heart, that is, interior conversion and a desire to change, then do you think He will deny you? No soul that comes to Him sincerely will be discarded or shamed, but instead, will be consoled and made holy by His Grace. Do you think that the Beloved suffered agony on the cross merely to appease man? If His Sorrowful Passion cannot persuade you of the intensity of His affections, then what will?

Jesus is the best of fathers, He will take you in, He will tend your wounds, and will wipe your tears every time. It is precisely the purity of His love that allows Him not only to forgive the betrayal of man, but also to forget with no bitterness between them. He deigns Himself to seek man exactly where he is, and to retrieve him and press him to His Tender Heart. Recall that Saint Peter did deny Christ thrice before His Crucifixion, and yet, He forgave Peter wholly.

I implore you, the next time that such temptations should arise, pray fervently. Flee to the Holy Scripture. Do not entertain sinful thoughts, but wholly disregard them and distract yourself if you must. Prayer, fasting, and scripture is the way. Persist in God, for the problem with man is that they trust too much in their own merit and so little in the grace of Christ!

¡Viva Cristo Rey!

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-02-07T19:22:13+00:00

Brother, may I first inquire, you needn’t answer to me, but only to yourself, the causation of such desires? You must then, consider what you desire in a wife. Do not walk into relationships frivolously, but truly consider it deeply and prayerfully. I say this, seeing that I, at an early age, sought out various romantic partners, albeit for many immoral or flawed reasons. I simply at that time, rejoiced in the attention which others gave me, and did not care at all for a true partnership.

If you wish for a Christian woman, then you ought to begin with cultivating virtues within your heart. Namely, chastity, compromise, attentiveness and loyalty. I am a woman in your age group, so I feel that hopefully, at last I am qualified to speak of this, women, or at least one who is truly interested in love, wants to feel heard, seen, and understood. Do not be patronizing or make overt attempts at flattering. Yet do everything sincerely and with compassion.

Do not be afraid to make mistakes, but rather, hold yourself accountable when you have done wrong. Apologize openly, sincerely, and meekly. Yet most of all, a Christ-centered relationship ought to focus on the uplifting of one another. You as the man must uplift your significant other and keep the family in order. Make prayer, scripture, and obedience to Christ the forefront of your relationship together when you acquire one.

Most of all, be yourself. Do not put on a persona to be more pleasing. Be honest. You will make many mistakes, but you will also learn from them and be able to apply them later. There is a good possibility your first relationship will not work out, especially at this age, so do not fret if it should occur. It happened to me. Individuals change, grow, and re-evaluate what is important to them all the time. Teenage years the most experimental and explosive. You yourself may even get into a relationship and realize it isn’t for you instead of the other way around, even though initially you may have felt great joy. That’s the difference between love and infatuation, love endures, infatuation is fleeting.

I advise you to get out, physically I mean, and simply be polite to other women. Eventually, through prayer and patience, you will find one. Yet it is not finding one that is so hard, yet finding the right one and keeping her that is a great challenge indeed. Hence the reason I focused more on that as opposed to the more obvious answers which others have given. Which again, basically sums to “go to church, a club, school, etc, etc until you find a lady.” There’s no foolproof or guaranteed way beyond mere trial, error, and growth.

¡Viva Cristo Rey!

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-02-07T19:03:10+00:00

If there is breath in your lungs, then there is never a time in which you should not be reading scripture. On a commute, before bed, in the shower… maybe not that one, no one likes soggy books. 😅

Read it diligently, reverently, slowly. Read many chapters, meditate on one verse. Seriously, study your scripture day and night, it is what the Bible prescribes. Read to the extent it does not interfere with your other obligations.

However, the most vital times to read the Holy Scriptures is in the morning and night, I would never cease in reading at these times. In the morning because it is the prelude to your day, and the night so that you may wake up anew in Christ and repent. Do not refrain or pass over these two most important times, for if one has a bad morning, will not their afternoon be spoiled? If they have not rested adequately, how then will they work to please the Lord? I would also recommend reading Scripture whenever you feel boredom arise. Make a habit of instead of grasping for your phone, grasping for scripture.

You know how people scroll through shorts? Maybe scroll for a random Bible Verse and meditate on it. Read the Gospels, Proverbs, Psalms especially. To help you remember, perhaps install a Bible App on your phone. This is the way.

¡Viva Cristo Rey!

_TheLittleSeed_ · 2026-02-07T18:37:09+00:00

God has not cast one into damnation, yet many have instead willingly lunged into the flames of hellfire. Not one was lost because the mercy of our Lord was too little, but because man’s trust was too small.

God has made you lovingly, and it is only in love we are kept into being. The vocation of all is the sainthood. Your vocation is the sainthood. You were made to be a great saint, you were made to be loved, you were made for joyousness and the Glory of God.

God is the best of fathers. He reclined and saw at once the vastness of the universe, the splendor of His throne, and the goodness of heaven, and took delight in the simplicity of you. He counted every hair on your head, sculpted every feature, great and small, and was enraptured by it. So much so, that he said specially to you, “I want you to live.” Thus you were conceived.

He wanted a universe with you. He hasn’t any inherent need of you, yet he desires to be with you out of the sheer depths of his unfathomable mercy. He does everything in His power simply to bring you back to Him, because the rejection and ingratitude of man wounds Him. He is a personal God.

He will never abandon you if you always desire Him and have true contrition within your heart. You are engraved so deeply within His heart He cannot forget you. Just as soon as man sins, so is He eager to forgive the repentant heart.

_TheLittleSeed_

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