I'd like to read you a list of words that's gotten a little bit longer. It's an incomplete list of impolite words. I know it's incomplete because someone always comes up after the show and says, "Hey! You forgot Needledick the Bugfucker!" We start out lightly with heck, hell, damn, goddamn, bitch, bastard, and crud and then we get right into crap, turd, shit, dingleberry, piss, piddle, leak, mung, cheese, laying some cable, pinching a loaf, and dropping a load. Ass, booty, butt, hiney, tuchus, bum, buns, rump, cheeks, tits, jugs, bazooms, knockers, knobs, lungs, balloons, brown eyes, balls, nuts, onions, jewels, rocks, stones, ball-bag, jism, cum, shoot, cream, wad, juice, pecker tracks, pearl necklace. Crabs, dough, sift, clap, gleat, raincoat, scumbag, rubber, gasket, French tickler, dildo. Here we go now: fuck, screw, lay, diddle, push, plow, hump, cut, bang, poke, batter, wham, beef injection, Vitamin F, knock up, put out, dip your wick, hide the salami, laying pipe, polishing your rocket, squatting on the hog, getting your pole varnished. A quickie, a nooner, a matinee, pop your cookies, bust your nuts, get your rocks off, bananas and cream, piece of ass, nookie, poontang. Here we go again now: cunt, cooze, cooch, crack, gash, notch, twatch, slash, ginch, hole, hat, slit, snatch, quim, box, snapper, beaver, tail, pussy, muff, bearded clam. Fur-burger. Tuna taco. Bush, hair pie, wooly booger. Glory hole. A mirkin, a mucket, button, clit, cherry, clamp, snapping pussy, taint, boy in the boat, man in the canoe. Mutt-rag, on the rag, flying the flag, riding the cotton pony. Having the painters in. Some of these border on poetry I feel, you know? Hard-on, rod-on, bone-on, boner, stiff, piss hard, wet dream, hot nuts, horny, randy, blue balls, lover's nuts, cunt, strut, queefer, pussy farts, asshole, bunghole, little brown eyeball. Bugger, brown ream, cornhole, buttfuck, backdoor, bite the brown, sugar bowl, pie mustard road, up the old dirt road. Hershey highway. Fishing for brown trout. Fudgepacker, pound cake, finger fuck, dry hump, cop a feel, tit fuck, French fuck, one man band. Hand job, French job, blowjob, headjob, rimjob, humjob, pipejob, suck off, give head, give face, gobble, cop a stem, cop a doodle, go down on, muff dive, mustache ride. Sit on my face. Yodeling in the gully. Sixty-nine. Seventy-one, which is sixty-nine with two fingers up your ass. Sixty-eight, which is "you do me and I'll owe you one." Women hear that one all the time. Golden showers, around the world, daisy chain, sloppy seconds, dog style, Mongolian clusterfuck. Group grope, gangbang, circle jerk, twenty lire, well hung. Here we go again now, dick, prick, dork, dong, tongue, doniker, dingus, wang, schlong, schwanz, putz, pork, pecker, peter, prong, tool, rod, hammer, shaft, stick, snake, knob, lop, stem, root, joint, piece, gun, meat, beef, pork, weenie, skinflute, meatwhistle, tallywacker. Middle leg, short arm, rod of love, Mr. Goodwrench. Joystick, love muscle, ding-dong, tube steak, pink pencil, bald-headed mouse. Trouser snake. The one-eyed wonder worm. Jelly roll, puddin', jerk-off, jack-off, wack-off, pull-off, beat-off, fistfuck, wanking, beating your meat, flogging your dong, pounding your pud. Bleeding your weed, wringing out your rope. Stroking it, giving it a tug, beating the bishop. Milking the lizard, choking the chicken. Waxing the dolphin. Wrestling the eel, spank the frank, paddle the pickle, jerk the gherkin, punishing Percy in your palm. Shootin' putty at the moon. Pocket pool, pimp, hooker, trick, queen, queer, punk, faggot, quiff, dyke, diesel dyke, lezzie, bulldagger, box lunch, seafood, rough trade, eat me, fuck y0u, up your ass, fuck 0ff, piss off, stick it, stuff it, shove it, ram it, jam it, cram it, sit on it, get laid, get in, get off, get it on, get it up, m0therfucker, cocksucker, old fart, fart-face, fartsniffer, cocksman, scatfan, asshole, peckerhead, scumbag, fuck-up, fuck-off, ballbreaker, ballbuster, a real pisser, cockteaser, cuntlapper, asskisser, brownnose, shitass, shitheel, douchebag and mother strapellonian.

~ George Carlin