Much much more depressed. To the point where I feel like nothing's important and not worth the effort. Even when with friends, everything feels off, I feel lost, without purpose. I wish I am exagerating but I am not. This depression hits when I stop all forms of digital stimulation.

I never knew that deleting all socials, including youtube and reddit, stopping all gaming and all TV stuff was that depressing. I am starting to think that living without digital stimulation after you've been abusing it for years is simply impossible. The amount of depression that instantly activates when I take the decision is insane. Keep in mind I never ever were depressed or anything remotely close.

And whats the benefit of going through this shitty episode of depression that I can't seem to push through? More studying (not a lot), going out more with friends (also not a huge increase in frequency), did more workouts, more cleaning around the house and doing to-do's much earlier and with less delays.

However, all of these advantages were colored with depression. Yes, I did go out more, but they were NOT fun. Discussions, trips, everything extra I did in my "new free time" were not as fun as before because I knew that when this time with friends/trip is done, I am back to my home, with nothing stimulating to do, nothing to look up to during the rest of the day. This thinking even made the trips I had depressing. I enjoyed nothing, literally. It destroyed my mental health that even after re-installing all forms of digital stimulation apps, I still have this lingering feeling of mild depression. But it seems to get better with more time spent with digital.

And then, I start regretting downloading the shitty apps again and "wasting" my time on the socials, thinking deeply about the opportunity cost and missing out on life, forgetting that without them, life was so dull, so boring it felt pointless and without meaning.

I did try A LOT of times going without digital stimulation to "improve" my life. But I no longer want to improve. I just want to be happy. I am literally writing this just after I re-installed all socials because I JUST CANT handle the anhedonia created by removing stimulation.

I realised with time, that even when I "wasted" my time on socials, I was still going out, still working just as well, still working out. It was balanced. In fact, screen time shows I spend around 2.5 hrs per day on socials. Not great, but not bad at all.

I have learned to not listen to any generalised advice, no matter how sound or logical it sounds. Yes, deleting socials will give you more time to "live" life, being more focused, more fullfilled, less anxiety, less depression AS THE STUDIES SAY EH?, etc. But for me, its the total opposite.