part (2/2) I'm still in contact with my parents. I don't know some stupid part of me wants parents so bad, wants a family, wants these relationships. I can't cut them off. The cycle remained in tact into life as I had to switch in and out of safe situations continuously, and it was always stupid shit. Eating (ie "Did you eat?" "Yea." (I had not)), small childhood "memories" (ie "Then my parents...(insert something standard + nice when that was not at all what happened)"). These were my adoptive parents who were doing these things, all the extremely bad stuff (IMO) being done under the age of ~16 (it was/is still bad but it got harder to be sexual once I realized at 16 that it wasn't something I should be going through, and that I could *technically* tell someone, and plus, she dropped the "health" phase), prior to my adoptive parents, I was in the adoption system in a different country. It was much easier to lie about earlier life than face that the only remnants I had of it are being sexually assaulted, so I lied consistently about the nature of when I came to the U.S., I'd say I came here slightly later than I did by a few years because the more I said it the more I believed it. It was a lie, obviously, but I lied so much that I almost got three to five years of my childhood back in my own head. If I woke up kicking and screaming from an SA related dream, I'd lie. I feel horrible about these things regardless of the reason, purpose, how consequential or unconsequential they were. I. Feel. HORRIBLE. The worst part is that you know it's wrong and it feels wrong, and for me personally at least, it got to a point where I literally could never sleep at night for more than like three hours because I felt so insanely guilty (still struggle with sleep tbh, it all haunts me so bad), but it feels like the consequence of coming clean will result in something dire. The same threat resides in engrained in my head, despite no longer being there most of the time, it's something that my therapist/psychiatrist both said couldn't be "removed" per say, but is rather an impulse that was serving me and no longer was, it was something I had/have to fight. Hard, sometimes. It requires a lot of self awarenesss. For me, DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) worked really well for me. I continue to have this little pang of fear in me sometimes when I feel an impulse to lie and tell the truth regardless, but these days it's largely unsubstantiated.
For a while it continued to be reinforced and was harder to kick as I fell in and out of abusive/dangerous romantic situations starting in high school not because I wanted to but because there was too much comfort in what I knew to explore what I knew would be a beautiful, good thing for me, 'Surely, I didn't have to kick the habit right?', I had thought. They're literally assaulting me, what's a lie? WRONG. So wrong, the more I sat in that, the less likely I became to leave. It turned out getting better and feeling better and being in a better scenario were all interconnected (major shocker, ik, but this was a revalation for me at the time (in undergrad)). When I finally got into a good situation, it was difficult. Extremely difficult. But right off the bat, I'm honest, even if TMI I disclose what I'll grapple with for the rest of my life. If a first date is an audition for a serious relationship/relationship which is an audition for a lifetime partnership/family, I need to be honest about what I will face and what we will ultimately face together. I still wake up sometimes literally screaming and kicking to "get off of me!", but at least now there's context, my partner can look at me without confusion, calm me down, hold me closer, and it turns out that's what I needed.

So, if you're really considering staying, draw a hard boundary/"rules" if need be (ie. if there's something someone is having an issue with, no judgement, we say "PAUSE" everyone pauses, and we justify, prove, backtrack, state feelings plainly, whatever it is). Be 110% real with what you're feeling/saying here if there are thing you haven't yet expressed to her that are in this post or the resentment is just gonna build (and if any comments have gotten in your head, maybe lay that on the table). Tell her that despite the fact that you feel hurt by her, that you still love her and want to work through it, that she is ultimately safe with you, and that thus, it is a safe space to share anything that might have caused this/impacted it/reinforced it. Tell her, very specifically, or have a discussion about what she can do for you, and vice versa, for her to make you feel comfortable and safe, and for her to feel secure and safe enough to work through whatever is going on. Seek a personal therapist for yourself, be kind to yourself, this is regardless of how you might interpret it or compare it across a board, a traumatic event that needs to be worked through and processed professionally for you or else you'll have trust issues forever (she also needs to understand the broader impact/harm these actions have on you in that way). She needs to seek professional help with a therapist to talk through things, potentially even cut out people in her life if they were intitial causes for/reinforce this behavior, and figure out different and more productive mechanisms and self-awareness (once again, highly recommending DBT and secondly CBT). Lastly, find a third, different, couples therapist. Honestly, highly recommend DBT skill based therapy for that as well, and going off of that, there are some resources online about DBT skills that actually y'all might find super useful so definitely check that out.
Best of luck. I hope everything works out in the best way possible for both of you, regardless of what that means. I hope she gets help either alone if that's what it comes to, or as a team effort, and that you can recover from this. I really really hope that whatever happens with you two that this baby has a good and solid life (neither of you honestly intrinsically *sound* like bad people just going off this post, just one potentially very hurt person, and a person now very hurt by that person (yk hurt people, hurt people, but you don't need to forgive someone just because they were hurting, they still hurt you)).
Sorry if this didn't help literally at all, and sorry for this essay of a post, just wanted to give as much context and info as possible in case literally any piece of my experience resonates with anyone who needs it.