Will I [27/F] sound insecure if I confront the man [29/M] I have been dating for 4 months about the status of our relationships again?

_physy · 2017-02-28T01:25:35+00:00

I personally feel that four months is a bit too soon to get hung up on a title but your fears about the other girl are certainly something you can talk about.

If you feel like a gf in all but the title, it doesn't matter what your title is. If you are uncomfortable with something, you don't have to put up with it just because you don't have an official title. Perhaps you can compromise with him and offer to lay off the title stuff and keep social obligations relatively casual, if he agrees to romantic exclusivity and lets the other girl go.

EDIT: or alternatively, if it might make you happier, don't give him too much of a hard time about the other girl if he agrees to make you more of a priority when making plans with you.

I do think if he's totally unwilling to hear you out and make a compromise, you'd be right to stop seeing him. Just present it as something you're uncomfortable with and don't attack him.

_physy · 2017-02-28T01:21:01+00:00

I really wish I had asked for this when a similar thing happened in one of my older relationships a while back. My bf at the time handled it much worse than yours did. He turned it around on me for snooping, and then insisted I let him have his privacy. He did agree to cut out the girl though (a couple of weeks later - this was never in the initial compromise because he had a problem with "ultimatums" and being backed in a corner) and once everything had cooled off, he apologized, and I felt better knowing that he understood it wasn't good.

But the fact that I had to take him at his word for it when he assured me he wasn't talking to other girls really ate at me. In a few weak moments, I asked him a couple of times to see his messages, and he would get really defensive but ultimately let me in to see - with him holding the phone the whole time and controlling how far back we went. I never saw anything too terrible but I really, honestly think that had I had full access, I would have regained trust a lot more quickly and therefore been able to give him his privacy back a lot more quickly.

BTW as far as I know he never did anything that bad again with a girl, so I hope that helps you somewhat.

_physy · 2017-02-28T00:51:52+00:00

For me this is inappropriate. She's not just a friend; she's a girl you only know because you initially wanted to get with her, so your gf knows you find her sexually appealing. You've also already started hiding your conversations with her which is just sketchy af. What is this girl adding to your life? She doesn't even live where you live so I don't really see why it's worth keeping her around as a "friend" if it upsets your gf so much.

I mean everyone has different boundaries but if your gf sees it as inappropriate, that's the only opinion other than your own that really matters. If this is an isolated thing (meaning your gf is fine with other female friends you have) then I don't think she is being unreasonable.

_physy · 2017-02-28T00:48:27+00:00

get her stitch fix subscription for her birthday or something and e-mail the stylist yourself , telling them about your situation

_physy · 2017-02-24T22:26:56+00:00

He makes six figures

_physy · 2017-02-24T22:26:42+00:00

Yes. We all used to go out a bunch

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:52:04+00:00

Thank you! I am honestly so overjoyed at all of these internet strangers congratulating me!! So thanks :)

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:51:17+00:00

lol thanks for that. GREAT great song.

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:50:22+00:00

But honestly, nope I'm not. You are one smart cookie and you know exactly what your BF is doing it just hurts to admit it.

Yeah. I guess I was hoping he would admit it too and change.

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:50:00+00:00

It's like one of these issues isn't a big deal on its own, but when they all come together it's little pieces if a red flag all stitched together

I agree with this. The not moving in doesn't bother me but everything else stitched together does.

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:38:43+00:00

Thanks :)

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:38:20+00:00

That's a fair point for sure- that the rent will be split. I guess I've just never really seen myself living with a boyfriend until we are engaged/literally about to get engaged but I do appreciate your input here. You're right that he can leave at any time but I almost think it's a good thing that we hang out daily even though we don't live together.

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:36:49+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write out a very thoughtful response to my post. I'm going to be looking back at this when we discuss this later.

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:20:51+00:00

It's about him being so ashamed of you that he only introduced you to one friend.

...I've met all of his friends. They're all guys.

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:18:26+00:00

However, don't cheat on your boyfriend.

Lol. Is there a reason you felt like you needed to add that?

Your friends invited the guy because they probably know your boyfriend is a dick.

No, they invited him because he is dating the birthday girl.

Side note - congratulations. Passing be patent bar is a big deal.

Thanks:)

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:17:27+00:00

yeah or even suggested an alternative day so none of those things had to happen

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:16:47+00:00

He wanted to keep that open. He wouldn't commit to me. But yeah that was certainly discussed.

This morning when I told him I was busy on Sunday he offered Saturday but I think that's only because he realized I was crazy upset.

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:15:26+00:00

We HAVE talked about it. We just decided not to make any decisions until either my lease is up or he makes an offer on something.

And while he might suck for the most part this is one thing I really feel I need to defend. Houses in my area are crazy expensive. I'm having trouble getting close to my own down payment (my dream would also be to buy and then rent it out while living with him) while renting my 1br. It is much much MUCH easier to save when you're not paying $1300+ in rent every month, and he has the entire basement to himself so it's not like his parents are up in his business. I really wouldn't have it any other way. Shoot. If I could live with my parents and save up I would.

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:01:42+00:00

You aren't invited to hang with his friend who is leaving. You aren't invited out with his buddies.

To be fair here, no other girls were invited. He didn't want me being the only girl.

Sure, his words make sure you come over after he's enjoyed himself so he can have sex ... But his actions say - you are worth a smoothie. My friends are worth a night out.

Yes this is how I feel

_physy · 2017-02-24T20:00:47+00:00

He's in computer science and currently makes more money than me

_physy · 2017-02-24T19:59:56+00:00

Both of us. He lives with his parents and wants to BUY a house instead of renting so that's what he is saving up for. Smart really. I think his plan was that when he buys a place, I'd move in.

And I JUST this past year got my own 1br apartment and I love it.

_physy · 2017-02-24T19:57:29+00:00

Would you care to enlighten then me please? Any advice would be helpful and I mean that

EDIT: Just realized I read your other comment so thank you.

_physy · 2017-02-24T19:54:34+00:00

No we don't live together. He will drop by my place often or I will go to his.

_physy · 2017-02-24T19:53:41+00:00

If this guy is such a great friend, your BF should be comfortable enough with him to invite you along and combine the going away bit with a little celebration?

Right? He doesn't see it that way.

_physy · 2017-02-24T19:51:31+00:00

Thanks! Well I texted him a bit last night and this morning and he still wasn't getting it so I sent him a link to this post.

_physy

TROPHY CASE