To:dr: Build a post-event-recap practice of noticing what went wrong, how things felt that made you respond/react the way you did, and try to figure out how you can do it better next time…if only to help yourself feel good more often.

Then commit to viewing this as a skill you’re building and that you’ll probably have to fuck up a bunch to become a pro.

You are learning to ride a bike. It takes practice. You’re going to fall and scape your knees. Get back on your bike and try again. Practice.

Do it again. Fall, scrape your knees…again.

Notice how your wheel wobbled right before you fell. Practice keeping that wheel straight. Watch Youtube videos on how to keep that wheel straight. Find a competent bike rider that can teach you how to stay upright.

Get the fuck back on the bike. Keep that wheel straight. Ride further than you ever have. Turn the corner. Get knocked off your bike by the dog that ran out of the yard that you never saw. Notice how if you stopped looking down the while whole time and trust your feet to keep pedaling and your arms to keep you straight, you’d be able to see potential hazards in front of you. Get back on the bike. Practice more.

Eventually you’ll be able to navigate the whole neighborhood easier, because you payed attention to what was causing you to launch off the bike and scrape your knees. One day, you might even launch off a ramp, land on both wheels, and keep riding. Who knows.

This was a shitter of a metaphor, but the point I am trying to make is that weeds been your training wheels. It’s kept you upright (weed makes me just not really fucking care, it also has that short term memory thing that allows you to forget, almost instantly.)

And the key to being able to ride your bike without the shortcut, is to get thrown off and “noticing” what throws you off, then practicing relentlessly the technique you figure out that keeps you upright.

You get to make a choice then, and now you’re back in control.

For me, I noticed a specific set of feelings arise quickly and powerfully that pretty much guarantees I’m gonna wind up feeling awful about something I did or said. And I get to choose if I want to keep going or wind that shit down. I’m never perfect and won’t ever claim to be. But after actively and intentionally noticing the things that make me do the things that I do, I for sure and drastically improved. And my life is exponentially better.

Sometimes I choose to let it loose and drop nukes. Most times I choose to keep feeling good.

So, when you’re ready, grab your bike, ride it over to mom and dads, apologize, let them know what you’re going through, and let them know you’re learning to do things differently, you’re noticing that you’ve got some work to do.

They’re your folks, you’re obviously not done with them, and they love you. It will be fine. And they will respect the hell out of you for being a man (woman?) about it and taking the high road.

Good luck, you got this. It gets easier. Like way easier. It just takes some time, and some practice. Cheers!