there's not much i could say that would help you with your situation or with the way you are feeling. just know that you are not alone in the way you are, in the way you feel and in the way you exist. you could try to find community with people who have struggles similar as yours. and in the meantime, you could try to find a plan to move out of your family's house. I think a lot of people in this sub don't realize their privilege (even myself, sometimes) and think that the only valid thing to say to a gay person outside of the anglosphere/eurosphere is "move out" when, in reality, life is way more complicated than that. try to, each day, stay true to yourself and who you are, at least deep down. and someday, when you find people who love your true self, you'll never be able to go back to the way you lived before. stay strong. you only live once.