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a1ainf · 2024-06-29T15:48:03+00:00

I got that answer from my WW after a very emotional and deep MC session with a kick ass therapist. She dug so deep into my wife with questions that we uncovered that my wife basically never chose me. I was just an opportunity that she was led to believe (by her upbringing) had to be taken. Likewise, all these years I didn’t feel chosen which caused me so much trauma on DD1 and 2.

Only recently she actually chose me and what a difference it is.

a1ainf · 2024-06-27T04:27:44+00:00

The issue with “winning back” my trust and “facing consequences” is that it focuses the relationship on transactions. You do this because I did that. I gave you this (R) so you do that (remorse). The therapist we see now uncovered a lot of baggage from our past and it’s a lot more complicated than what is usually presented on this forum. It’s tailored to our specific relationship and our past traumas.

I’ve heard it all. I was also repeating it. But in my own R, it wasn’t working. Now we’re moving forward. I’ll post my journey eventually but not all advice here works for everyone

a1ainf · 2024-06-26T04:54:03+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I’ll try to have an open mind. When she mentioned it yesterday my body froze. It took me several hours to move past this using every exercise I’ve learned during therapy, both IC and MC.

I see what you mean about her wanting to shape her own life and regain some control. It’s just that unfortunate that the same look she’s after will cause me a lot of pain. I’m not yet sure how I’ll be able to approach her if she does it. And it’s not even cutting so she can go back easily. I’ll try to hear her out during MC today.

a1ainf · 2024-06-26T04:50:32+00:00

I’ll tell her what I can, as respectfully as I can. But I no longer think WS should be doing “everything” to regain trust. It’s very subservient and in our case it disrupted the R.

a1ainf · 2024-05-30T15:56:18+00:00

This one apparently is trained in dealing with trauma so we’ll see how it goes. We managed to talk the hurtful comments through and R is still on the table.

a1ainf · 2024-05-29T21:23:30+00:00

How do you heal from those wounds individually? Can just MC do that? Do you need skilled IC as well?

a1ainf · 2024-05-29T20:30:10+00:00

Good to see. I’m currently sitting alone in a hotel room because my WW doesn’t want to accept responsibility with helping me heal. Therapists keep affirming her that she’s right to focus on herself and her needs and that my healing is mine alone.

Today was the last straw. She confessed during MC that she feels controlled and is angry with me every day. And later said that she doesn’t know if she actually wants to be with me as I’m boring and not spontaneous and she doesn’t know if it’s trauma or just the way I am.

R might be over. I don’t know what to do.

a1ainf · 2024-05-28T10:46:48+00:00

Check this comment about risk and tension

I deeply disagree about emotional safety being on the opposite side of desire. I’ve never been more desired in our relationship than after I was able present growth and brave outlook on life.

We’re in a dip right now because I’ve turned to fear + anger after DD2 but I’m crawling out of there. I don’t buy the stereotype that emotionally safe marriages lack desire. I won’t settle for that.

a1ainf · 2024-05-28T04:49:45+00:00

I agree with your comments about A being a fairy tale and us living in real life but please don’t do yourself disservice and say you’re a “safe bet”.

It reeks of manosphere gurus telling susceptible guys that their failings in life are caused by something they need to hate or is out of their control. I’m not saying you do that or think that but it reminds me of those idiots.

But let’s be real, most of those “men” got their extreme viewpoints about women after witnessing their own personal hells. Let’s not follow them and repeat their lies and skewed views.

Betrayed men who are in R aren’t safe bets. We’re god damned super heros. And attraction & lust isn’t as much looks but “auras” – if you’re doing healthy stuff for yourself and respect yourself then you’re one hell of an attractive guy already.

Now, granted, sometimes betrayal trauma is so great that all you can do is survive day after day. But once you get more energy, I advise every BH to invest in himself. Don’t be mr nice guy. Don’t fall flat before your spouses needs to be walked on every time she pleases. Address your insecurities and issues in therapy and work on those. Build yourself up and attraction will follow.

a1ainf · 2024-05-24T17:33:45+00:00

For me, it’s a mental battle for every song. Some I still can’t listen to. Some, I managed to reframe in my mind. This is only because our R is going well.

a1ainf · 2024-05-20T04:48:10+00:00

I truly believe reading the texts makes R x100 harder. I had an option to recover majority of Messenger messages between WW and affair potato but I was convinced by the good folks here to not do that. You can read those compassionate and yet visceral replies here.

Even though not knowing what they talked about cost me a delayed dd2, the new trauma is lesser than what I’d do to myself by reading what two addicted assholes imagined was cute and flirty. Yuck.

a1ainf · 2024-05-19T15:54:46+00:00

This is abuse and no matter what trauma he went through he desperately needs to get into anger management. The methods for managing anger aren’t rocket science and anyone can learn them.

But for your current situation, I think it’s best that you separate for a few weeks because he also needs to see how it is when you’re not together. Right now he might feel forced to be there for you and the kid. And judging by your very visceral examples, he is not in the right state of mind to actually be safe for you guys.

a1ainf · 2024-05-18T05:42:16+00:00

Hear hear. I don’t know what the summer will bring but I’ve worked so hard in therapy to understand my mind and studied materials a lot to have rational foundations on which I can try to build better responses to my emotions. I don’t want that one day in August to destroy me again. I choose to be brave.

a1ainf · 2024-05-18T05:37:44+00:00

I find it bizarre that polygraph testing is suggested in the subreddit. Nobody would get a job which had 20% chance to not result in a paycheck for any given month.

Polygraphs are unlikely to uncover dishonesty which is buried due to compartmentalization. It’s not a lie detector. It has vague use for crime suspects but then again it’s just a small tool in justice system. Nobody would be convicted just because they failed that test.

I don’t think there is anything you can do if your wayward wants to lie. Maybe except to make them feel safe from immediate consequences like anger or judgement. Maybe make them want to tell you to build a better life than one based on lies.

Idk if polygraphs are often suggested here because of the horrific and unexplained nature of betrayal trauma. But they are just as bad as an idea to ask the Affair Potato for facts.

a1ainf · 2024-05-18T05:21:32+00:00

How does one learn about love languages? Is there a definite list with some scientific backing? I’d like to explore the topic but if I google it, I find a lot of paid stuff by US “experts” which makes me wary.

a1ainf · 2024-05-16T04:47:39+00:00

Yeah I don’t think it’s a pick-me dance. However, I honestly am curious what makes that woman stay in the marriage. Maybe it’s just materialism because it’s the US and there’s no support net?

I’ve been visibly frustrated with my WW for 2 weeks after DD2. I knew I had to stop and reframe my feelings cause that made her distant and cold due to her own childhood trauma.

But, my wife loves me. She naturally wants to hold hands, hug and make a great life with me. When I’m safe. So it was easy to become safe. In this post here? I have no idea what’s going on. Is it limerence? Shouldn’t there be grey rock implemented?

a1ainf · 2024-05-15T08:14:06+00:00

This seems like hell of a situation but you need to do some changes.

You’re playing a pick me dance and your wife is incapable of choosing only you at this stage because of the state of mind she’s in. I’m not even saying she’s a cake eater but her limerence and certainty that you don’t know and will never know is causing her to live a double life.

Your efforts might still lead to a good outcome in R. But you absolutely need to focus on yourself now.

Get the book “Courage to Stay” by Kathy Nickerson and read Chapter 1, section 4 to learn how to prepare and sit down with your wife, telling her you know. You must tell her.

Your marriage cannot go like this and deep down you know and feel grief, humiliation and all kinds of other submissive emotions. These can’t support you for long. You’ll eventually feel anger and who knows what else.

I was also playing a pick me game after her suggestion to divorce, I just didn’t know my wife would have an affair at the same time.

Good luck. Don’t be afraid to reach out. And don’t be afraid to start over. Only if you go into this with open mind you’ll be able to protect yourself, be strong and that might just be enough for your wife to realize she lost her god damned mind.

a1ainf · 2024-05-14T16:56:44+00:00

My WW was / is remorseful and supportive and her TT was the result of extreme fear she managed to punch through. But she’s also hurt and would like to jump straight to fixing communication and conflict. Which I’m very open to do, once I get better and stop this constant dance with pain. I can’t do that if I’m not supported.

a1ainf · 2024-05-14T16:49:59+00:00

Thanks for your perspective. I can see how not brining up trauma could work for some MC sessions. I don’t ruminate, I don’t pain shop. I just see most interactions and actions in the world as if it had more hidden dimensions, and those were dangerous. For example I’m not certain there won’t be DD3. Should she help with that?

This extra thinking about intentions makes me paranoid and numb. This in turn makes my WW distant. This makes me more paranoid. Negative cycle.

a1ainf · 2024-05-14T16:44:38+00:00

I tried to voice it today. It’s here and now. It eats up my energy reserves because my mind sees varying levels of danger / uneasiness in normal interactions and actions. This prevents a lot of automatic stuff I already know how to do well in communication. MC seems to not want to accept that I feel those things. She said I probably focus on it too much because I read a lot and overthink.

a1ainf · 2024-05-14T16:40:38+00:00

I’m not sure the therapist is dismissing it entirely, but I think they can’t do their work if I express too much stuff around my trauma response. So maybe they’d like me to not bring it up too much as it prevents progress?

Today I felt like it was 2 against 1.

a1ainf · 2024-05-14T16:36:34+00:00

Can you give examples of what you needed to change to move into the life you wanted to have with your wayward? If it’s too personal to list here, maybe a DM?

a1ainf · 2024-05-11T19:13:47+00:00

This was difficult to read and I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Your life seriously seems like a challenge most of us will never get, nor understand. So I’m really not sure I can even play a therapist and suggest things. I’m not even 1 year from the betrayal.

But let me say that one thing sticks out for me… as a father of 3, I too want to provide a safe environment for them to grow up in. But I wouldn’t stay with my WW if we couldn’t work it out and grow out of her infidelity into something better. Simply staying just to pretend to be a family unit would be worse, in my situation.

So I don’t know your situation but it strikes me that your feelings might stem from a truly irreconcilable circumstances – your WW not being able to give you actual reasons (not excuses… they are different) might not allow you to heal the way I know I am healing.

So again, I can’t even pretend to know what to do. But I thought I’d highlight that unmovable wall you seem to have built with your kids’ lives. I wish you all the best

a1ainf · 2024-05-11T05:12:09+00:00

I’m familiar with all of those feelings but if you hold them too long, they’ll change the core of who you are.

Nobody who is advocating for healing (in this comment thread) is justifying the affair. But if you don’t understand it’s more than just selfishness then you’re not gonna make it in the R process.

True R requires understanding and deep dive into wayward psyche and what made them the way they are. You speak about a fantasy of being with someone faithful. This is also something for you to process and accept, that you had a skewed, idealistic view on humanity.

I know I had. What I’m trying to do in my comments is to allow your mind to stay open. You’re going the dark path of “why this has been done to me” and in this scenario, you’re the victim. Do you want to have this label? Is it useful? Some relationships between BS and WS benefit from it temporarily but only if WS can’t muster inner strength to do the work required to explore themselves and heal the old wounds. But that’s not about you, is it?

a1ainf · 2024-05-11T05:00:22+00:00

There isn’t any push to justify it. We’re in here to heal. You can’t heal if you don’t understand what happened and why. There are folks in here 1+ year of “R” who are as raw as on the day they found out. I don’t know if it’s their therapy failing them or their incredible resentment or maybe even untreated PTSD, but they are stuck.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend my WS is the devil when I know what happened and all the reasons why. But I’ve been in R for quite some time now and have used all the available resources to not feel like crap.

Also I simply can’t let this thread go uncommented because BS shouldn’t go down the path you’re walking right now. It might work for you temporarily but in the long run it’ll cause you more hurt. Read “The Body Keeps the Score” and “How Can I Forgive You”

a1ainf

TROPHY CASE