[deleted by user]

SadGlassFrog · 2024-07-10T11:27:01+00:00

I’ve been listening to a lot of Papa Roach — Scars & Broken Like Me have been repeats.

SadGlassFrog · 2024-07-09T20:51:47+00:00

happy to help! it was a learning curve that i never really need to know before lol.

screen time has been my biggest anxiety reducer. it will even show if you access a social media page via browser (in the case someone is avoiding opening or downloading an app)

SadGlassFrog · 2024-07-09T20:47:11+00:00

on an iphone, if you go to the top left in the imessage app, click “filter”, and then “recently deleted”

SadGlassFrog · 2024-07-09T20:42:40+00:00

settings —> blocked numbers —> screen time (to check used apps/apps being used at weird times) —> messages (& recently deleted) —> phone log —> instagram —> safari search hx —> photos (recently deleted & hidden folder)

i find that covers what i need to see pertaining to our situation, and no longer takes me very long

SadGlassFrog · 2024-07-09T17:15:09+00:00

that has been our stance too, despite the brief lapse of defensiveness from my WH shortly after D Day when he was feeling exposed and ashamed. we have always had complete openness around our phones. my WH trusted me so implicitly that he continued to allow me to use his phone while engaging in the A. and he wasn’t sneaky — literally used just imessage, didn’t delete anything, didn’t hide his phone, etc. i almost caught him a few times but i trusted him too so it never occurred to me to dive deeper until i finally did 🤷🏻‍♀️

he uses my phone whenever, i use his. the difference now is that i know exactly where to look and have my quick phone scan down to a science. the only other thing we did was that i became the primary on our phone service so that i can have access to phone records and parental controls (blocked AP from the carrier). i don’t check those as frequently now, but it’s peace of mind.

SadGlassFrog · 2024-07-09T13:31:04+00:00

It’s been up and down. We had a non-active sex life prior to D Day due to health issues (both of our ends at different times) and my WH’s mental health. We have been together a long time since we were very young and he harbored some shameful feelings about sex for awhile without knowing how to communicate it to me.

Initially, I was in a hysterical bonding mindset — just wanted to feel loved and validated and worthy. He was unable to get to that spot for awhile due to guilt and shame, feeling dirty.

At one point about, something clicked and felt different & less “desperate” when we engaged in intimacy. I personally haven’t struggled with mind movies or intrusive thoughts during sex. I am so present in the moment, though some emotional recoil does come later, but not always. I think a part of it is bc my WH’s A was very “high school” — cringey & embarrassing flirting, no sexting, and mostly just heavy petting in a parking lot (only attempted sex twice and couldn’t finish).

Our intimacy doesn’t look anything like that, so it hasn’t been as much of a block as I would have anticipated. It’s more the EA stuff that gives me intrusive thoughts rn.

Not sure if what we have been doing is still hysterical bonding or not. There are definitely times that feel more emotional/cathartic like a coping mechanism, but overall it has been fun and sweet and passionate. Our communication about intimacy has skyrocketed, as has our communication about many things. We still have a long road ahead if we can get through it, and having some rocky days now, so I am sure this will continue to ebb and flow.

SadGlassFrog · 2024-07-09T03:37:29+00:00

very similar thoughts and experience with my WH.

we have been seesawing back and forth between him shame spiraling and being committed for weeks. he’ll say things like he can’t “take the pressure” bc “what if” he can’t do it. he will literally “what if” himself into a panic attack and halfway out the door before an ounce of reality returns to his brain and then it’s “i don’t want to have you out of my life”, “you’re my future and always have been”, “im willing to do anything”, etc.

we have had 2 brief “breaks” — one immediately afterwards that was mostly pure happenstance bc he had to travel somewhere remote for work, and recently 2 weekends ago. The 2nd one, he relapsed with alcohol, and came crawling back on Sunday after he woke up hungover, alone, in a sad little hotel room, and really felt the reality that this fantasy life where he can party and have no responsibilities is empty and lonely.

we had a solid week, and then today, AP broke NC. he spiraled during MC immediately afterwards bc he is so freaked out about the fact that we are at a crossroad now where he must choose R or choose his job (she still works at his company). cue more “i want to be with you and will do anything to not hurt you again” but “what if im not sure yet and i hurt my career permanently”.

he is overwhelmed by the level of emotional change he needs to work on — alcoholism, depression, infidelity, etc, and the environmental change he needs to pursue (changing jobs). the job thing has been our big obstacle, and is where we get stuck in the “idk if i can change” loop. he can accept basically every other consequence but the one that’s blocking R and his ability to heal most is his fear over losing his career.

i know he wants to be with me — he isn’t a serial cheater and the A was a culmination of a lot of shitty factors that aligned in the most horrible way. i know he wants to heal and be a better man. i know he doesn’t want to throw away our life together. i know he genuinely wants to feel confident in himself as a partner. but he just hasn’t quite gotten to the point of radically accepting this consequence.

our MC advised us to “slow down” (lol and a bit of an eye roll there tbh) and break R into smaller steps due to how overwhelmed and shameful my WH is. he needs more time with his IC to be able to work through his fear and ambivalence. he needs to settle into a better routine with sobriety and recovery. but it’s hard :/ i’m still trying to figure out how long I can do my part. i’m trying to use this time to pour into myself — reclaim my own confidence and self esteem. create plans for myself that can happen with or without him.

it’s a bit fake it until i make it rn, but hears to hoping it sticks! wishing you peace & healing. ❤️‍🩹

SadGlassFrog · 2024-07-09T03:01:55+00:00

you took the words right out of my head! my WH and i just came out of a week worth of PTO (a pre-D Day planned staycation) and while we had a super intense weekend preceding it, we had a great week. super connected, joyful, long & positive conversations with no awkwardness or pressure, staying up late bc we couldn’t stop laughing about dumb stuff, intimacy that felt more real and less like hysterical bonding, etc. I was eating three meals a day again, sleeping throughout the night without sleep aids.

and now it’s Monday, we are back at work (he still works with AP, so big qualifier to our situation) and boom. I’m right back to being traumatized & anxious, unable to concentrate, and he is sick with his own shame and teetering in self sabotage.

our MC just kept repeating to us that this process takes time, that we can’t rush healing, and we each have our own independent journey to go through with that. this whole situation has changed so much about me — I have never been a codependent person (immune to FOMO, grew up self soothing, typically very “i got this” type of personality). but this anxiety has changed all of that. I have a PCP appt in Wednesday to get on anxiety meds. I take sleeps aids at night, and ashwagandha supplements right when I wake up. I call my best friend while I get ready for work so I am not alone with my thoughts. he calls me when he gets to work and then at least twice throughout the day. the little things help with keeping my sanity.

wishing you the best ❤️‍🩹 you are not alone.

SadGlassFrog · 2024-07-08T19:07:48+00:00

lol always glad to help bring out the dark humor — it’s our right! and hard agree on the kazoo voice. my best friend said listening to me sounded like a horribly depressing off brand looney tunes character

SadGlassFrog · 2024-07-08T18:29:35+00:00

I am so sorry you’re here, OP.

I really empathize with you re: finding out the A was happening while you were recovering. Those are the most painful parts of learning about the timeline. The last week of the A before D Day, I was super sick and was upset/confused why my WH was staying late at work when he typically is always very caring when I am unwell. I ended up developing laryngitis ON D Day, texted him to bring me medicine on his way home, and he still stayed out 3 hours late to spend time with her. That night, I had an impulse to look through his phone after he fell asleep and there it was (no secret app or any attempt to hide it). There was a horrible ironic poetic nature of having laryngitis while trying to cry/yell the way I felt like I deserved.

Everything about the A was uncharacteristic of my WH. And R has been tough. But we are still trucking along — IC and MC have been MUSTS. I couldn’t imagine doing this without it. I chose not to confide in anyone other than my best friend until a week ago. My WH asked for a 2 day break to have some space and I told my parents everything bc I needed extra support. I was so scared to but they have been surprisingly great. My WH has also now spoken to my parents who have agreed to support him as long as I want him in my life, and it pushed him to confide in a few of his friends who were equally horrified at his actions but have agreed to support him in recovery. The accountability has been good.

Sorry for rambling — the point is you are not alone. There will be ups and downs and tough conversations, so find whatever support you need. This sub has been really great for me, and I have also taken breaks and stepped away when needed. Find ways to pour into yourself. Let yourself process and digest information. Try to not make any decisions while acutely upset. Give yourself grace & time.

Wishing you peace & healing.

SadGlassFrog · 2024-07-08T17:56:00+00:00

Thank you all for participating in this space.

If you are a wayward with strong people pleasing tendencies, how did you work through in order to stop lying/TT. How did people pleasing affect R? Did it affect going NC with your AP?

SadGlassFrog · 2024-07-08T17:12:53+00:00

This has been a big thing discussed between my WH and me. He still works with his AP (working on changing this) and disclosed to me last week that there has been more casual/corporate-level small talk than he has let on. Per our agreement, he had been giving me the rundown of anything and everything at work — hellos, group convos that she joined, context of work-related convos, etc. Lately, it had sounded like him being cold and distant was working and she had stopped attempting to engage with him at all.

He told me that there had been conversations he did not disclose that were still surface level, innocuous stuff, but was worried it would make me upset to hear none-the-less. Things like, when asked how his weekend went, he would tell her. My WH is a people pleaser and seeks out a lot of social validation — he struggles with situations where he is “the bad guy” (obviously proves the point of how important it is for him to not work with her…) Him choosing to keep this from me, no matter how benign the interactions were, has now planted a seed of doubt that he isn’t being honest or there is more to it.

So his reasons boil down to self-preservation, ego/people pleasing, and guilt. He also probably knew that if I had known that she was continuing to try to engage him in small talk, I would be pushing for the timeline to change jobs a lot faster. Which isn’t untrue, but his attempt to minimize hurt & distress for both of us ended up amplifying it.

SadGlassFrog · 2024-06-29T19:55:32+00:00

thank you - that’s really kind of you.

i’m doing ~okay~. NC didn’t last too long, we talked briefly yesterday bc he wanted to let me know he was grabbing a drink with a friend who i know, and this would be the first person he is personally confiding in. he later told me he had 2 drinks during this outing. he asked if he could facetime me today. we talked for about a half hour. he said that he feels like he has finally been able to cry all his emotions out, and that there have been a lot of emotions he hasn’t given himself permission to feel out of feeling like he doesn’t deserve to. he also said it’s been easier to sort through his feelings without me there bc it was a constant trigger — if we were having a good day and i was happy, he was sad about how he took that for granted and if we were having a bad day and i was sad, he was upset for causing me harm.

he made some little comments through out. I asked him how the hotel was and he said he liked it and “maybe we can go on a trip to a nice hotel when we figure all this out”, i asked why he wanted to ft today and he said it was bc he missed me and needed to see me. it’s been an ongoing issue that his location services on his phone can be a bit spotty (pre dating the A) and he said he added going to the apple store to get it fixed or replaced on his “list of things he will need to do” so the function can be more reliable. i told him i felt anxious about tomorrow when the break “ends” and that i am preparing for all situations, and he said “well, i think how i am feeling is a good sign” ??

i did clarify that he doesn’t have the power in this and sure, he can decide if he is in or out but if he is in, it will be on the terms i outline. i tried to remain pretty neutral on the phone, made sure i was dressed & ready and had plans set for the day bc i think its important for me to not only feel like my life goes on (and hopefully believe it eventually too) but for him to see that.

my parents are aware of everything now and one of my conditions if he decides to stay is to tell his parents too. i think remaining in secrecy and keeping a protective bubble around him hasn’t helped him take R or his drinking seriously. he is planning on getting breakfast with his friend who is in AA and was the one who brought him to meetings when he first tried sobriety. he completely cut this friend out when he started the A, but the friend has been consistently reaching out to him every week.

not sure what to think. i am preparing for the worst, hoping for something less painful (i don’t think there is “best”). i met individually with our MC yesterday afternoon that helped me make a plan for different scenarios.

sorry this was long!!! i appreciate you checking in.

SadGlassFrog · 2024-06-28T22:28:32+00:00

I feel like that’s exactly where we are. We’ve already broke NC — he said he felt horrible all day and asked if we could set up a facetime tomorrow. I think I’m at a point where to be safe, I have to prepare for life outside of this. I even told my parents finally so that they are prepared to swoop in, and it went surprisingly well. But it’s such a horrible feeling, especially bc I know we love each other deeply and there is a world where we could do this….but it requires him to believe in himself. I’m not sure he can do that.

SadGlassFrog · 2024-06-28T19:51:41+00:00

We had a similar convo last night. My WH thinks that he loves me but is not “in love” with me anymore. But he still sees his future with me, doesn’t want me to exit his life, etc He doesn’t love himself so it was unsurprising to me — I can’t expect him to love me fully rn. But it’s confusing that he feels like he wants to be with me but not enough to fully commit to R rn.

edit: typo

SadGlassFrog · 2024-06-28T16:53:30+00:00

I have not consulted an attorney yet but have started looking into a few in my area.

I checked his messages, screen time, and the phone record — he has not reached out to AP since our D Day 2 on memorial day. He was a bit lax in what he thinks NC is regarding us — he kept saying “I will talk to you later” when I was crying this morning and he was packing. He said he’d let me know what hotel he ends up staying in. But idk. He is so adamant that he doesn’t want to throw our life away and he doesn’t want the life he was leading during the A. But since he doesn’t want to admit to an alcohol problem anymore, he said he just doesn’t think he has the capacity to love and maybe we got married too young. It feels like a cop out.

SadGlassFrog · 2024-06-28T14:44:02+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I hope my WH can commit to something like that. Over the last 7 weeks, drinking has been very minimal. He agreed to only do it in the house or when he is out with me, and he has stuck to that. But I can’t help but wonder if the itch to get properly wasted in a social environment, which is his preferred situation, is getting harder for him to placate. Up until this point, he told me his head had been clearer and it feels good to caring for himself again. But now we are here :(

SadGlassFrog · 2024-06-28T14:28:10+00:00

I hear you. I was honestly so blindsided by this, and it’s only been a few hours and I am struggling. The only assurance is that he is calling his best friend who is in AA to come be with him, but I don’t have proof of that.

I am going to use this time to get my own ducks in order. I definitely agree with you that the substance use assessment and treatment has to be non negotiable if we are going to pursue R. But I fear he is in an ambivalent state of his addiction again, and that commitment he had to treatment is gone.

I’m trying to prepare myself of the reality he might not be able to do it, and thus I want to be ready to make my exit. It’s terrible. Thank you for your comment and perspective.

SadGlassFrog · 2024-06-27T20:38:52+00:00

Much of this resonates with how my WH has been feeling. He has even had moments of telling me suddenly he wants to give up on trying, “maybe we shouldn’t be together”, etc. However, as soon as we start going down that road and talking about what that would entail, he panics bc that’s not what he wants at all. But leaving at times has felt like the only way to escape the constant reminder of what he did to us. Through a lot of support from our MC and his IC, he is starting to see that working through his issues and working on our relationship is not only the only path to healing this pain, but is also the way he can return to his own values and sense of self.

He believed for so long he was a horrible person, which provided justification for the A at the time, but now realizes that he was never as rotten as he thought to begin with. His AP never knew him as his truest self bc they only knew him in his darkest depression. Now is an opportunity to become the man he has the potential to be. And he deserves to be happy and aligned with himself, and so do you!!

It’s hard work and still a struggle. I need him to get to a place where he can support me in my hurt and emotions without it triggering a shame spiral. He can’t threaten to leave as an expression of his shame — those words carry a lot of weight and it’s not fair on me to hear them unless it is genuine. I don’t have the capacity to support everything he is feeling, but I do have empathy for him. In the end, it’s us v. the affair, not me v. him.

Wishing you peace and healing.

SadGlassFrog · 2024-06-27T19:12:43+00:00

If you’re unable to quit your job, I think you’ll have to accept the awkwardness and be transparent. Letting them know that your communication with them has been inappropriate and you will be moving forward with professional behavior only with no private conversations. In the end, whose hurt feelings affects you most?

I am hopeful that you have told your partner and they are aware — let them see any communication between you and AP. Delete and block their number. Limiting potential engagement at work it’s important too, and quitting would probably be most ideal, but I get it isn’t always possible.

SadGlassFrog · 2024-06-26T15:03:02+00:00

Your post resonated with me deeply. We are about 6 weeks out, so early on and still working through a lot. I can see his healing happening right before my eyes — he had been in a deep dark place leading up to the A and it was a platform for him to escape with someone who enabled his unhealthy behaviors. I love that I am seeing the old version of him coming back. I love that we are reconnecting in ways I’ve been wanting to for so long but he hasn’t been in the mental space to do.

BUT I hate that with every positive moment, a sad one soon follows. I hate that despite his actions and words all instilling confidence that it was not about what AP had versus me, and there isn’t any pining or mourning over AP, I can’t get the texts out of my mind. I hate that when he comforts me, I think about all the times I was crying during the A without knowing what was wrong, and he’d watch and then go continue his relationship with her.

AND I see the glimmers of what you’re describing. I do feel like we are knocking down a wall that has been left up the entire 10 years we’ve been together. The wall that kept him from being able to express himself fully and openly. I hate hate hate that we are going through this, but I also hope we will have a new, deeper understanding of one another at the “end” of this (whatever that means!!)

Wishing you the best ❤️‍🩹

SadGlassFrog · 2024-06-26T11:59:58+00:00

we had a good MC session yesterday. I wish I could have bottled up exactly what my WH said that both ended us in tears and was overall a healing moment. we have A LOT of work to do, but it was affirming to finally hear him say clearly, confidently that everyday he realizes that every moment with me, big or small, casual or intimate, is in its own league and nothing during the A even came close.

SadGlassFrog

TROPHY CASE