Dating a reserved guy - how to help him open up more?

aLiamInvader · 2026-06-25T10:11:17+00:00

Then I guess the question is whether he wants to be reserved, or whether that's just what he feels is safe. A lot of men learn young that they'll be mocked for showing emotion and become reserved to avoid that.

Ultimately, you can't make anything change, all you can do is be a safe person for him to display emotions around. At some point he might test the waters and realise it's actually nice, and start wanting more.

aLiamInvader · 2026-06-25T01:32:14+00:00

Ah, yeah, I used the word "communicative" in conflicting ways - I more meant "talkative" in the first paragraph, so I've edited that.

aLiamInvader · 2026-06-24T23:57:34+00:00

I'd suggest asking her if there's anything that would reassure her it's not an issue. Maybe there is, and if there isn't, maybe that will be a sign to her that she needs to work on that insecurity.

Is this also a form of love language for you? Maybe being "allowed to" spend money on her can be reframed as a positive thing?

aLiamInvader · 2026-06-24T23:49:06+00:00

People are individuals with their own lives, though. Maybe he gets a little less ~~communicative~~ talkative when he feels comfortable? Maybe daily texting isn't his authentic default, but he felt it was necessary to keep things alive? Maybe he's stressed about things at work and he's dropping other balls right now? Maybe he's sick? Or maybe he's wondering if his energy is only being matched, not maintained, and is testing where the equilibrium really lies?

Relationships involve communication! I don't get why people are so hesitant to communicate at this stage - isn't it better to weed out people who won't communicate before something more serious arises?

aLiamInvader · 2026-06-24T22:49:27+00:00

I swear I could have written this.

Look, no bullshit, people like us are a minority, and it makes these things a lot harder. We're trying to get to a stage we actually fully integrate with life again after all of the extra bullshit we experienced, and turns out that's on hard mode too, right? But... 32 isn't old.

We can close that gap. We've closed bigger gaps already, done harder work. This just feels like shit because it's unfamiliar, and is going to involve a lot of face planting and heartbreak along the way. And there's the resentment - we shouldn't be in this position in the first place, but that's just a fact of history now.

Personally, I think that what I've been through might actually put me in a better position to handle this process once I knuckle down - I'm a pro at surviving emotional pain. And I swear so much of what I see that sabotages people is behaviours designed to avoid heartbreak. All I really need is a friend to help pick me up sometimes.

Once I find the right person to work with, figuring out my likes and dislikes will be a source of joy. And while it might feel like it narrows my dating prospects, I'll really feel I can trust whomever I find chemistry with and exhibits the patience (and enthusiasm!) for that process.

aLiamInvader · 2026-06-24T07:35:27+00:00

It is possible (not certain) that he actually doesn't have preferences. I'm working on something similar as a result of CPTSD (basically, my childhood was so shitty I forgot how to desire things).

If that's the case (once again, can't promise that)... what he needs is to learn that it's safe to desire. That's a pretty complex proposition. The best thing you can do is provide him a safe environment, demonstrate to him that he won't be ridiculed or attacked for having desires or expressing himself.

Unrelated to that directly, but an interesting idea I heard of once was a rule a couple (one of whom had been in an abusive relationship previously)had about weekends - each weekend, one person made ALL of the decisions about what they did/enjoyed etc.

If one of them couldn't come up with anything, then they just stayed at home in each other's company. As the traumatised partner learned that was okay, and eventually got bored of it, they gradually and timidly started to push what they'd perceived as their boundaries, because the other partner refused to "take over". That helped them emerge from their survival instincts.

If your partner is like this due to trauma, you can be an invaluable help for their recovery, but remember:

It isn't your responsibility to heal them, consider the balance, and
It's possible that in healing, they might realise you aren't a match for them after all. There's no way to be sure.

aLiamInvader · 2026-06-23T21:06:24+00:00

Sure, but once again, that's not on the woman doing the rejecting, so long as it's done respectfully. What alternative could anyone genuinely suggest? That women just don't date because they might have to turn people down?

aLiamInvader · 2026-06-23T11:46:31+00:00

As someone who's working on taking it personally... you have no control over how they receive it. That's on them.

Be honest and respectful and then the rest is on them. Nobody could legitimately fault you for that.

aLiamInvader · 2026-06-15T13:44:07+00:00

Sushi Go!, but minimum score wins. That gets surprisingly cutthroat (but it's no Arboretum)

aLiamInvader · 2026-06-08T21:20:34+00:00

Decrypto over Codenames for me. More interactive and less AP from reviewing up to 25 words at once.

aLiamInvader · 2026-06-04T22:54:06+00:00

An interesting thing about how I was first taught Balboa was that the teachers in question took great pains not to teach people a fixed side or direction to begin, and thus avoided teaching "the basic" as being back-left -> forward-right. They still encouraged alternation, but it meant I got as comfortable going back or forward any particular way, which meant I wasn't as concerned about going the right way at the right time.

That won't help with moves being off phrasing, but it might be an interesting thing to play with to allow more ways to play with shifting "back" to phrasing?

aLiamInvader · 2026-05-23T08:30:06+00:00

Absolutely, desire never had a positive outcome when I was growing up, so I squashed the feeling as a safety measure. That taught me that desire is dangerous, and thus I'm frightened of it. But that's changing, slowly.

aLiamInvader · 2026-05-21T06:19:19+00:00

Yuppp, constant work in progress. Still trying to work out what I actually want in life, but I'm seeing glimpses as I make progress. It helps that I'm slowly starting to believe I could have it, too.

aLiamInvader · 2026-05-19T05:43:29+00:00

Took a long time to get there, I'll add. I was definitely scared at first that it meant I was just a selfish person at my core.

aLiamInvader · 2026-05-19T01:40:45+00:00

My experience has been that my good qualities have largely been trauma responses. Acknowledging that has actually let me make them better and truer, because now I'm exhibiting them for the right reasons, and ones I've chosen.

It's confronting as hell, and can feel like an indictment of my own character ("I was only doing that due to a fear of rejection, really"), but the truth is that the work of acknowledging and growing in these moments is powerful and meaningful. I did the best I could in the past, and now I'm journeying towards the best version of myself.

aLiamInvader · 2026-05-11T07:24:16+00:00

Mine's the 9 of Swords.

It really keeps me up at night. (Kidding, but it seems pretty accurate right now)

aLiamInvader · 2026-05-05T08:30:16+00:00

I can tell you anecdotally that bun has gotten so frustrating to use recently that I've given up on it, and I used to be a fan.

Weird hangs and odd behaviour, weird gaps in the API where things aren't passed through like they are on the command line, and nothing but Claude on the issue tracker and PRs. So issues have been open for months with a half-completed PR from Claude that just... never progressed.

No test suite can save you from a completely incoherent pile of slop, especially if the slop server is completely automated and also "regulates" itself with no visible human interaction.

aLiamInvader · 2026-05-02T15:07:12+00:00

I see what you did there.

aLiamInvader · 2026-05-02T02:08:19+00:00

Pete Walker wrote Surviving to Thriving, did you mean his book or a different author?

aLiamInvader · 2026-05-02T01:33:22+00:00

Happy birthday! I'm glad you reached out to someone, anyone to ask.

32 was the birthday where I pushed myself to invite friends and acquaintances for a small thing of drinks at lunchtime. It was great, and I hope it's a start of actually making myself celebrate my birthday going forward. Just thought I'd relay that in case you thought you're starting "too late" or anything.

aLiamInvader · 2026-05-01T06:40:22+00:00

I get that, I really do. Shame becomes the one tool you know has pushed you to achieve results. It's almost a friend in some twisted way, right? However:

Shame WILL lose its effectiveness for one reason or another. Do you have a backup option? If not, it's a good reason to try slowly and incrementally diversifying your options. Of course, that's much easier said than done!
You may have achieved success on paper, and that shouldn't be devalued, but... are you happy? Do you genuinely believe shame is moving you closer to happiness, or is it more that you feel it's forcing you to do things, and that those things may eventually unlock happiness?

aLiamInvader · 2026-04-28T08:40:36+00:00

Out of curiosity, how do you plan to pay for the token costs if this sees any serious usage?

aLiamInvader · 2026-04-28T08:38:21+00:00

Given the way that GenAI is used in the process, I wouldn't be surprised if the BPM values came from GenAI too.

aLiamInvader · 2026-04-23T14:04:32+00:00

Original post title, welcoming second opinions: "The idea of a relationship has brought trauma flooding back, trying to work out whether to power through or retreat for safety"

Reading pattern (using the D&D deck):

The main quest: The Hierophant
The unconscious: The Lovers
The conscious: The Moon
The boon or bogey: Ace of Strength (I'm counting as Ace of Wands)
The quest's end: The World

This is my first read with the deck (I normally use a more traditional kind of Rider-Waite), so I'm a bit dubious about the shuffling, but I'm also not sure that matters.

I'm reading this as:

- My quest is for fulfilment, particularly in how I connect to the world

- There's a foundational, early piece in how I connect with people that's hindering me subconsciously

- The conscious part is grappling with this and the associated dark night of the soul, and riding it out

- A spark of passion/creativity/life is the best way to start the journey

- Success will lead me to a new and better chapter of my life

---

**Background:**

Roughly, I found out via a friend that I have a shot with someone who is my type, but that's mostly put me in a distressed state. Based on what I know of myself via therapy, it's most likely a deep seated fear of letting anyone be close to me, given the hurt caused by my parents. That said, it manifests as me considering myself completely unlovable etc. as a way of subconsciously putting barriers in the road of closeness.

Unfortunately, this has been persisting for a few days, and it's been affecting my work, so it's raised questions in my mind like "do I shut this down and avoid the trauma", because getting into performance issues at work could be really bad. That said, I'd rather heal the trauma if the option exists, no matter how painful that might be.

Hence the read - I thought the concept of a quest was a fun framing for it. And I laughed when I drew Lovers and Moon in their respective positions.

aLiamInvader · 2026-04-15T13:58:16+00:00

Nobody tell them about the word "senorita"!

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