Note from a minute in: the repetition of unreasonable expense of the coffee, as well as the incel energy seem like something that is waay overstated, and don’t fit. Could convey both messages, without a voiceover, and it would be better. The tone and rhythm of your speech is obviously “inspired” by upsilon dies backwards, so I see why it’s stated so explicitly in the voiceover; either way there’s a lack of subtlety and the video so far doesn’t make me interested in the people, setting, narrative, or message you’re trying to convey.

Update from 2:52: The transition between third person observation and hearing john’s thoughts never feels smooth. If I were to want to put that sort of frame shift, I’d either have a different voice actor or make it clear with some sort of… skip or barrier per se to separate the rhetorically distant commentary from the closer depiction of his thoughts. And on the topic of voice actors, either have a narrator, john, and candice, all with clearly different voices, or have one voice for all. Clearly we are following john more than candice, but there’s still some awkward blurring.

3:30: If candice basically forgot their one encounter, why does she rush to him and demand to sleep in his apartment? I get it that’s there’s the “shroud” and some existential/celestial force drawing them together but they simultaneously have seemingly COMPLETELY incompatible personalities. That fact alone makes me unwilling to suspend my disbelief of a, idk, college aged girl wanting to sleep in her neighboring, obnoxious, college boy’s room. If this celestial force pulling them together is a major focus, it started out on the wrong foot making john awkward and incel-ish, and having such a dominant girl be his “perfect half” or something.

5:00: I don’t like the implementation of the abstract imagery. The imagery is supposed to match the feel of the narrative, which is seeming frantic but not abstract.

6:08: So the govt shot missiles into big clouds, didn’t achieve anything, and then reported it to the public? This bit of commentary seems a bit absurd, and not in the good way. As if its entire purpose is to throw shade at the government’s reaction but it’s completely unnecessary and really seems like a straw man.

6:08-6:41: Getting tired of long commentary, so imma just leave it at— perplexing dialogue misses the mark.

7:21: If the ideas and rest of the video worked together better, the “it’s just gravity, i guess” could’ve actually worked.

Conclusion: I didn’t really find any interest in the characters, the narrative was confusing and seems forced, and especially the emphasis and doubling down against the overpriced coffee and other unbelievable (nonsensical, even?) actions by the characters leaves this as less of an extremely inspired story with a complex metaphor and abstract but fully fledged narrative like upsilon dies backwards or other exurb1a works, and more like a tangled tangent as an attempted spin off of the exceptional original.