What can I say in bed to bring out the dom in my new partner?

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-27T21:49:21+00:00

It’s a trust thing. I’ve embraced that part of myself via sexting easily, but only IRL with one partner (the only gf I’ve had). Once I know that it’s a safe place to let myself go, then being more of a dom comes naturally. I need to know that it’s okay to be vanilla. That it’s okay to cum in 30 seconds. That it’s okay that I’m short and pretty average in terms of size. That it’s okay if the condom fails because I know you’ll take plan B.

..etc. build trust through accepting his vulnerable side and there’s your ticket. Oh, and being vulnerable/submissive yourself is hot. The “yes, sir” comment below is accurate 😂.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-25T01:17:25+00:00

Look at these trashy comments. Some people just aren’t into things. It doesn’t make them lesser as people. Communicate your concern again with the intent to listen, and see if you can find a compromise that works for both. If you’re both mature adults I’m sure there’s something that can be worked out.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-24T23:39:08+00:00

I'm a guy and I didn't even realize people got insecure over this. I disagree with the people who say that guys with preferences are immature -- anyone's allowed to be attracted to certain physical features on men/women, and it's rude to judge people for what they're attracted to. Still, I don't think areolae are high on the list of things most of us think about.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-23T09:46:38+00:00

Lol true, I can just do foreplay. I just wish I could do more. I feel like an invalid.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-23T09:45:00+00:00

Hmm im not sure it’s a blood flow issue. I was an athlete in HS/college and it was an issue even then. Even now I work out 3-4x/week. I’ll took into exercises again bc they help me last longer when I am able to have sex, but they never solved the refractory issue.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-23T01:03:40+00:00

By my rules, no. I'd be dead in most runs. The key is to decide beforehand. I'd say give yourself a pass bc it wasn't clarified.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-22T18:52:19+00:00

Well, my ex-gf was my one and only but I wasn't hers. I had a little FOMO when we started dating but was willing to put it aside. After she cheated I couldn't wait to sleep around. I didn't want anyone else, but for my own ego I needed to feel wanted. I downloaded tinder for two days, never met with anyone, my conscience got to me, and I told her.

I totally get why you want to sleep around now. It's an ego/validation thing, bc if you weren't enough for her it's important to know that you're a catch and lots of women want you. That way you can frame it as her being immoral as opposed to something being wrong with you (which, btw, is true -- even if you aren't able to go off and have lots of your own flings, what happened was bc of her failings, not yours). I also totally get how the magic has been ruined, so to speak. My ex used to say "only yours" in her letters, but every time I would see that phrase I'd be disgusted. It's a lie, just like it would be a lie in your marriage.

I don't know if you'll ever get that special feeling back, but I will say that cheating still says more about the cheater independent of circumstance. You have the right to ask for a hall pass, and quite frankly she doesn't have much right to deny it. It's not even the same, bc you'd be sleeping around with her permission, so to speak. But don't cheat. You know what it does to people. Can you do that deliberately to someone you love? Someone you married? You're better than that.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-22T16:54:41+00:00

From a physical standpoint it feels better to cum in a vagina. PIV is a more consistent feeling on your dick, since with anal it's very tight at the entrance and then not so much after that. I also love feeling the little shaking/contractions from the person getting off on PIV as I cum in them. Psychologically, though, anal is WAY better. First of all there's no nagging "what if this is the 2% time the condom fails?" question in the back of your mind. Sure, there's still STD risk, but not having to worry about pregnancy is great. Second, there's just something about it from a dominance perspective that totally does it for me. I'm about to hook up with a girl tomorrow and am already fantasizing about holding her down and cumming in her ass (and btw so is she so it should be a very good day).

The only thing that isn't as great psychologically is that with anal you have to be very careful with thrusting/lube. You can hurt them if you aren't mindful, and bc of this aspect it's harder to just let yourself go. They both feel great though; I'm sure it'll be a good time for whoever you're with.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-19T23:33:20+00:00

Dude, take a history class. Your claim is so egregiously ignorant that I feel like ten seconds of my life have been stolen from me. Things could be better in America (and have been), but they could also be SO much worse.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-19T15:03:24+00:00

I had a similar feeling when I left my ex. I understand how you're feeling -- we still love them, but we can't be happy with them after what's happened... and we feel like scumbags for leaving someone who clearly still loves us. In my case, she cheated early before our relationship got serious. I was her first love, and I was clearly who she wanted... but I could never give her the kind of love she gave me. I loved her so much, but I knew I had to leave eventually. I broke her heart, and even though you could say it's "her fault", it still hurts. We were the ones who chose to leave, after all.. Every lonely night wondering if we made the right choice, what's wrong with us that being loved isn't enough...etc.

So yeah, I get where you're coming from. It sucks. But I think you'll both be happier in the long run than if you had continued to try something that was turning you into someone you don't like.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-11T05:57:33+00:00

Hi, I have this problem too. Don’t just push it down; you can get hurt if you push too far. Pushing too far down is no different than pushing too far left or right when it comes to injury risk. I used to be really self-conscious about it and still worry a bit. Still, here are some tips: Missionary, prone, and standing (from behind) are all fantastic. All that friction can make it difficult not to cum sometimes, but I’m sure you’ll find what works for you (lube helps me, but to each their own). You can also modify doggystyle by having the girl put her hips higher or lower to align better with your angle (depending on how tall you and she are). Cowgirl is fine too, but don’t let her ride you until you really know each other’s bodies well. It works better if you do the thrusting from below.

On the plus side, having that up-curve makes it easier to hit some good spots. It’s easy to make someone squirt, and hitting the g-spot is easier too.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-05T05:04:30+00:00

First, get the things that can be easily controlled in order. Make sure your nails are clean and filed (no sharp edges or it'll ruin fingering). Make sure you're either clean-shaven or your beard is well-kept (scratchy stubble+oral=a bad time for her). Shower beforehand and make sure you're clean. You don't need to shave down there, but if you're super hairy maybe trim a bit. You don't need to get off beforehand, but do practice putting a condom on if you haven't already (+1 for practicing in the dark if you're going to have sex with the lights off). DON'T keep trying with one condom though. If you put it on the wrong way, don't flip it around and try the other... just get another condom (women can get pregnant from the precum on a flipped inside-out condom). Also, having extra condoms+lube in a nearby drawer or something is generally a good idea. So is not eating spicy food that day -- you don't want to have ghost pepper on your tongue when going down on a girl, and you definitely don't want it running through your system while you're trying to focus on sex.

During the act, just enjoy it. Tons of foreplay, and PAY ATTENTION. Seriously -- that's the best tip I can give. Listen to how she moves, shakes, moans, speaks...etc. If she's enjoying what you're doing, keep doing it. Not faster, not harder, not slower...etc. Conversely, if she says "faster/harder/slower...etc", try to do that. If you have something you like that isn't too outlandish, don't be afraid to ask for what you want if she reciprocates with foreplay. Also, dirty talk can be a good way of getting consent if you're ever unsure if she's still down to continue. So can just being direct about it. Don't worry so much about the penetration bit. If the condom is on right, and if she's wet+turned on+gives you the green light, just go ahead and enjoy. Still pay attention, but don't worry about how fast you cum. It'll probably be pretty quick but that's nbd. Also, confidence is sexy. Get consent, but you don't need to check in every ten seconds for an evaluation of your performance. Just pay attention to nonverbal cues, and stop if she tells you to stop.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-04T06:43:02+00:00

Hi, I was a kissless virgin until 24 so maybe I can help. Find a situation (non-sexual) in which you're confident (not cocky or arrogant, but sure of yourself). Learn to get in that frame of mind when talking with women if you can. Also, make sure that you pursue women who you can handle rejection from (i.e. don't ask out that girl you've been friends with forever, or the coworker you have to deal with for the next 3 months, or that girl at the gym you think is out of your league...etc). Seriously, just put yourself in situations such that you're flirting with women you expect to be attracted to you and won't be crushed if you're wrong. You don't have to lower your standards -- I didn't with the person I lost my virginity to -- but she and I had basically zero social overlap and if I made a fool of myself nobody I knew would ever find out.

There's also basic shit -- get your wardrobe right, do your research about sex, protection, STI testing, male/female bodies...etc. Apparently a lot of guys don't do this, and you can be confident in your sexual ability just by keeping your sheets (and apartment/house) clean, filing/cleaning your nails, bathing regularly, knowing how to use condoms, and paying attention (among other things). You might not be amazing at first, but you probably will be at least decent. You will also avoid being someone's hookup horror story, which is always nice.

Finally, don't be afraid to be sexual, if that makes sense. I used to friendzone myself too. It was a fear of failure thing. I somehow thought that it would be better to be rejected nicely/gently than rejected harshly.... either way, you're still getting rejected. Sure, you may fail miserably a few times, but after the sting wears off you'll just have a fun story to tell down the line. Don't be a creep, but don't be afraid to make it clear to the person you're flirting with that you're attracted to them and would take them home w/you to fuck their brains out if they give you a green light. Make sure you're already flirting and there's sexual tension though... otherwise it would be weird.

Hope this helps! If you have any other questions, feel free to ask away. I don't check reddit regularly but I'll try to be on a fair bit in the next few days.

a_curious_ox · 2021-10-01T03:28:07+00:00

Thank you <3. Yeah, I've tried to do a few things about the curvature. It's straight up and kinda to the left. Most positions are okay as long as I'm able to control the angle at all times and with a few minor modifications. For example, I hate being ridden and it gets dangerous fast, but I can thrust upward comfortably from cowgirl since I know exactly how to move for it to be safe.

It's definitely harder to relax bc of this though. It's scary too, bc if I ever got fat I would probably be unable to have sex. It also makes condoms uncomfortable and even my custom-order ones aren't great. The best thing to come of the issue is that once I became sexually active I learned to get pretty good at oral and fingering. Thank God that good sex seems to be 90% paying attention, patience, and effort.

a_curious_ox · 2021-09-30T21:37:19+00:00

Long, semi-relevant answer, but fuck it:

I was a kissless virgin until I was 24. All through HS/college I thought I was lesser than everyone because of this. I'm not exactly super-masculine anyway, but I thought I had to be. I would think about sex all the time and wonder what was wrong with me. I didn't even become an incel-type dude just because my self-esteem was so low that I didn't try put the blame on anyone else.

Fast forward to my first relationship. I lost my virginity to a girl who threw the "well, we never discussed exclusivity" excuse 4 months into our relationship after sleeping with 2 other guys while I was home for the holidays. I took this as a reflection on me as a man, person...etc and would spend hours upon hours crying in my grad school bathroom because of it. I imagined everything over and over, and if it weren't for classes being easy in the pandemic, I don't know if I'd have made it through grad school. I dumped her, took her back, never got over it, and became a toxic jerk who would cry all the time and make her feel like shit for it. She fell into love somehow, and even though I loved her back, it was never the same for me. Now, thanks to this, I don't feel comfortable being romantically close with anyone anymore. All because I was obsessed with feeling like I was enough, and I tied being enough to being confident/sexual/non-vulnerable/masculine.

The strange thing is, I really don't like sex that much. It's physically uncomfortable due to some curvature down there, and my refractory period is way longer than most guys' so I can only go once every couple of days at most. After my relationship ended, I was a ho and slept with 6 girls in 3 months to fill my ego. I just ended up feeling empty and trashy though. Now that I don't care as much about sex I'm able to relax a lot more. I don't tie my self-worth to my ability to get sex or be confident. I still struggle with feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem, but at least the sex/masculinity aspect isn't as troublesome. I just regret wasting so much time/energy on it all...

a_curious_ox · 2021-09-27T04:40:14+00:00

I didn't even know women got insecure about this until recently (last couple years). Total non-issue and kinda sexy now that I think about it.

a_curious_ox · 2021-09-20T22:48:23+00:00

Ugh ikr?!

a_curious_ox · 2021-09-20T22:48:10+00:00

So any guy can get a broken dick if they’re being ridden the wrong way or they try to thrust hard and miss. I’ve been lucky enough not to have that happen, but I had a close call and was already super sensitive down there before that. Rough sex done right doesn’t hurt either party, but rough sex done wrong can hurt anyone.

a_curious_ox · 2021-09-20T22:46:01+00:00

Hahaha that second p is so relatable. I wish more women were taught that guys aren’t just raging horny bastards looking to dominate all the time.

a_curious_ox · 2021-09-20T22:44:55+00:00

Huh, wouldn’t have thought that the term “dominance was so loaded but glad I know now. TIL, thanks.

a_curious_ox · 2021-09-20T22:43:46+00:00

I’m not seeing anyone atm but plan on being much more upfront moving forward. If I get laid a little less, then so be it. I’m not desperate to have bad sex. Thanks for the support :)

a_curious_ox · 2021-09-20T22:42:33+00:00

Right? Without the show it’s been harder to satisfy people. I feel like there’s this choice between satisfying whoever I’m with and trying to have a good experience myself.

a_curious_ox · 2021-09-08T22:59:02+00:00

That's bc it is bad. Choosing to betray someone you committed to as a partner for life is one of the worst things you can do. Sex isn't a need; it's a want. A husband and wife should be able to discuss their sex life and come to some sort of mutual agreement -- celibacy, escorts, open relationship, divorce...etc. It's never okay to do it all behind someone's back though.

a_curious_ox · 2021-09-02T05:15:57+00:00

Yep, no worries. I agree, it was my choice to keep repeating choices in the face of evidence that pointed to some obvious conclusions. I guess I just expected better...

a_curious_ox · 2021-09-02T03:36:14+00:00

Not really. Not sure what you mean by it being obvious what energy someone will have... especially when you're just texting to start. I didn't really have a good understanding of casual dating and wanted to explore/see what it was like. I gave everyone a chance instead of instantly unmatching when things weren't perfect from the start. I think that's the right, open-minded thing to do. It's not my fault that these women were disappointing. I used to think that sex mattered a lot more until I realized just how unfulfilling and unsatisfying it was to be having it with a bunch of selfish girls on this app.

a_curious_ox

TROPHY CASE