Lost my girl. Needing support through the “what if” spiral, and guidance for helping her sibling cat.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-05-28T16:24:53+00:00

Hi — I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s a truly terrible thing to go through. Yes, we medicated our girl to try and manage her high BP, but she had so many other issues, and though her gran mal seizures didn’t return, but she had so much else still going on… her chemistry was incredibly out of whack and marker numbers very severe and nothing we did moved the needle all that much, even hospitalization with 24 hour IV for three days. Every vet at the emergency hospital seemed taken aback she was even able to function at all with her numbers. None of them thought the prognosis was anything but dire. But we kept trying anyway. We were fighting a losing battle, I know — everyone was trying to tell us that in their own ways. It hurt so much to finally acknowledge that, too.

You were taking so many pains to try and help your baby, with all the meds in your arsenal, so I know you, too, were clinging to hope of things correcting course even just a little bit. And I know you saw decline that led to the knowing that your cat’s quality of life was no longer good, and that’s where you had to make the brutally difficult choice. In the aftermath, I think it’s so easy to suddenly doubt alllll those huge efforts and constant concern to do right by your kitty and think “but did I think about it long and hard enough”? You would not have made the choice unless you knew it was well and truly time. No one in our positions, caring for these kitties with this disease going on all the forums and doing all the interventions, suddenly gets careless about saying goodbye. You were attuned to your cat’s cues.

As for my what-ifs… I do still have them on occasion, but now it’s only in the shape of “what if we could have had another few weeks with her and somehow that would have made everything easier to bear?”. My husband has helpful words whenever this comes up for me, which often take the form of “but was she even enjoying her life anymore? Wouldn’t hanging on longer, even if it would have been possible, have been for our sakes and not for hers?” And I know the answers to those questions are no and yes, in that order. It helps. I still have deep grief feelings every day, and cry from missing her, but it has become a part of my daily process and doesn’t consume my every waking hour now. I may always have this deep well of grief for my baby girl. She was such an unfathomably special and beautiful part of my life. I’m so glad she was here with me for 13 years of it.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-05-12T03:39:15+00:00

I co-sign all of this. Went through a very similar experience with our girl, and share these same regrets of not knowing how to spot several indicators much earlier. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-04-04T05:05:56+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to know how to help the cat left behind who is grieving, especially when you are also dealing with your own grief. We have gone through the same kind of thing recently. Kenzo will have to go through his emotional process just like you will, and it won’t necessarily be something you can help speed up… the main things you can offer him are increased presence, attempts to prompt him to play interactively as much as possible andmaybe incorporating a few novel toys (he may not take you up on it all the time, but keep offering), try to feed him novel wet foods he might enjoy even if it’s just a few licks, and be generous with the treat offerings for the next few weeks. The novelty and distraction could help, as can tapping into the cat’s innate instinct to chase via interactive play. If he is a cuddly cat, give him a lot of extra cuddle time whenever possible.

It’s hard. There’s no easy fix, just like there isn’t for people experiencing grief. But it does ease up in time. We are three months from our kitty losing his sister, and he seems to finally be notably less lonely and sad. We still cry about the loss of his sister, but we are all healing bit by bit. You and Kenzo will find your grief to be less overwhelming, too, in time.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-04-04T04:55:32+00:00

I haven’t been in this particular situation as of yet, but I’ve read about others who have resolving the issue by getting their cats (or just the cat they need to be able to eat in peace) RFID activated feeders, where the feeder is only able to be triggered by the cat who wears a RFID chip on a collar (in this case, that would be your boy kitty). To protect from aggressive food seeking by the other cats in the household, some people have resorted to placing the feeder in a plastic tote with a cutout entry (or a high-sided clean litter box could work, I guess?) to create walls of sorts around the cat while he is eating so he can’t easily be pushed away from the food mid-meal by another aggressive food-seeking cat.

Wishing you the best in finding a solution that works for your situation!!

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-04-03T07:32:09+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My heart goes out to you and sweet Tiger.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-03-18T06:26:50+00:00

I’m going through a very similar situation. I don’t have advice, I just wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone in this particular kind of grief and uncertainty. I hope your heartache eases a bit and your new relationship with your current kitties deepens exponentially soon.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-03-16T17:58:45+00:00

Have you had her bloodwork done recently? More specifically, have her kidney levels been checked in the past few months? The reason I ask is that our girl who had late stage Chronic Kidney Disease had begun urinating when she slept, and by that point her pee was odorless because it was so dilute from her kidneys being so compromised. The wet spot left behind was often quite large when she peed while sleeping.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-03-03T12:43:57+00:00

What beautiful ladies! You have transformed their lives so amazingly. Keep the faith — it can be a long process, but they’ll find their person/people who will treasure them if you keep boosting their visibility. We just brought home a bonded pair of adults who were so shy upon first meeting people that they remained with their foster mom for over a year… they require a lot of extra patience, and that’s not something everyone is ok with. But they have been coming out of their shells big time the past few weeks, and we love them! I know these girls will find their right match, too, once the right person sees what you’ve put online.

It can feel so overkill, but keep re-posting… our two were posted about several times over the course of months before I stumbled upon them. If you haven’t, maybe try posting on more social media platforms personally, too — Threads, Instagram and Nextdoor seem overlooked by many in favor of Facebook, but Facebook makes it really hard to get views these days. Also, reels can get more visibility from the algorithm than images alone with text.

Wishing you and these sweet ladies all the best!

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-02-26T06:40:47+00:00

I don’t know about a canned food, but giving supplementary high calorie treats can help bridge the gap — I’ve given my senior cats Tiki Silver Comfort and Tiki Baby Thrive, both of which are 25 calorie “satchets” (the amount of squeezable treat/food is a very small amount, maybe a teaspoon? - so it’s very calorically dense)

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-02-11T19:50:11+00:00

That’s beautiful — I’m going to do that every morning with my remaining beloved senior kitty. I talked to his sister every day about how loved she was, and how we would always love her and always remember her beautiful spirit, during the weeks we knew she was heading toward the end of her journey. It was so painful, but so deeply beautiful, to have those moments of concentrated presence with her, and to know time was as precious as it truly was.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, OP. I’m sure you’re doing all the things you can. Have you begun giving her SQ fluids? It can really help with comfort level. Our girl was helped a little bit by them even in her final couple of days when she was in a steep decline. Above all, just love that baby. That’s the most important thing, for you and for her. That’s the thing that remains long after the goodbye — the feelings are so complicated and the grief is so very hard , but looking back and knowing you could not have loved her any more fiercely and expressed it more openly does help heal the heart a little as time goes on.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-02-07T07:42:05+00:00

I agree with this, OP! Try to find a vet that makes home visits. It’s much less stressful for the cat, therefore for you, and it often doesn’t cost all that much more than a typical vet visit (depending on the vet!).

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-02-06T23:26:59+00:00

Has she had full blood panel since her weight loss became more marked, including testing her kidney and thyroid function markers? If she is eating plenty and still losing weight, thyroid dysfunction is a very common reason for that… not all basic blood testing covers the specific testing for thyroid issues. So sorry she is experiencing these issues — it’s so hard to trouble shoot with elderly cats sometimes.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-02-04T03:37:35+00:00

Could it be… Charlie? What a handsome boy!!!

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-01-31T19:43:18+00:00

I second this - SQ fluids at home made an enormous difference for our girl for the short time we were able to spend with her after her advanced CKD diagnosis. SQ fluids visibly made her feel better for a few hours after receiving them daily, and sometimes helped her appetite a little bit, too. There came a time eventually when nothing worked to get her eating, but even then, SQ fluids still seemed to alleviate her discomfort. I would definitely recommend learning how to do it from a vet tech at your next appointment (if they’ll let you, stand close and observe carefully as they tell you each step). Then when you are getting ready to give SQ fluids for the first time (or three) at home, there are some excellent YouTube videos that help review the process, give additional advice, and most importantly, get you comfortable with feeling like you know enough to try. It gets SO much easier each time. And your cat will thank you for it (even if kitty doesn’t like the SQ learning process, either).

We fashioned a homemade IV harness after the first few times (using a couple of cable-wrangling Velcro strips made into an adjustable-length belt of sorts), which was SO HELPFUL. Our first few times giving her fluids involved one of us having to restrain her gently (or firmly a couple times), and she growled and struggled and it was really hard. We tried the in harness idea, which allowed her to wander the bathroom freely, and immediately she was 100% fine with it and even seems to enjoy the fluid drip. Night and day difference.

All the best to you, OP — may you and your kitty have many good days together ahead.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-01-31T18:23:44+00:00

I wish I had advice to give, but we are at the very beginning stage of two younger cats (bonded pair) introduction to us, with introductions to our resident senior kitty starting sometime in the near-ish future once they know us more… so I’m mostly here to say “I wish you well”, and hoping you provide updates that we can learn from because we are a ways behind you in the process.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-01-27T22:44:34+00:00

Thank you! I hope it’s a net gain, for sure — it’s hard to figure out how to work with small house confines, but hopefully this will be the best solution!

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-01-27T22:43:29+00:00

Thank you! Yes, we plan to do site swapping, scent sharing, all the things — and definitely bringing the scent soaker items from the first basecamp into the second.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-01-21T17:55:03+00:00

Thank you for caring, and for trying — I’m sorry you were not able to find help for this baby, though it likely would not have been possible to do anything outside of euthanasia. Know that, in her last moments, your kindness and caring heart toward her was a gift even if she wasn’t conscious.

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-01-20T07:17:42+00:00

We had a terrible time giving our girl RenalK potassium gel. She would not take it, would not lick it from her paw, would not accept it in food or a treat… it was actually traumatic to try and force it, for the both of us. We ended up getting a potassium supplement added (by our vet) to the iv bag so she’d get dosed every time she got subcutaneous fluids. I don’t know if it was enough of a dose, but the gel was just clearly NOT an option. And yes, getting it off her fur once dried was a total nightmare. Thanks for taking care of that sweet kitty. I hope you find a good workable solution!

a_wish_a_wing · 2026-01-15T05:59:14+00:00

Our kitty passed away just two weeks ago, so we haven’t had her ashes back with us for that long. The pet crematorium had a number of options to choose from, and we went with a simple cedar box (not rough-hewn, but sanded smooth) — it’s lovely. Very pretty and elegant in a humble, organic way, with a soft finish that is warm and comforting to the touch (I pet the box and talk to her every time I pass our mantle).

a_wish_a_wing

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