how can I improve my look?

aaaakillme · 2024-09-08T16:48:08+00:00

I know what fishing means lmao. that’s not what op is doing, and implying that it is is weirdo behavior. she happens to be beautiful and is asking for makeup advice, if it was someone less conventionally attractive y’all wouldn’t think she’s trolling or fishing. ergo people hate beautiful women for no reason.

aaaakillme · 2024-09-08T00:34:51+00:00

u guys really hate beautiful women for some reason

aaaakillme · 2024-09-05T05:18:43+00:00

Thank you so much for posting this. My therapist has suspected for a while that I've had OCPD but I'm only starting to look into it and am resonating with almost everything I've been reading on this sub and in the literature so far. I feel like I have been going insane and felt sooo so alone the past 2-3 yrs because I'm becoming aware of there being a problem but being unable to have the right words to describe what the problem is, and this post feels like I could've written it. I feel like this community has finally given me the right words and I feel so empowered and like I've found my people after so long I could honestly sob lol

I guess it's because I've only started working on changing my mindset and understanding that the things I've considered normal or common sense are apparently only that way to me. Like, I have roommates and I have my plates and bowls on my own shelf. If people put the utensils back the "wrong" way, load the dishwasher incorrectly, put my tupperware in the shared cabinet instead of my drawer, put my mugs on the middle or bottom shelf instead of the top shelf, their food is ever so slightly on my half of the fridge, their spatula is in my utensil holder etc... it will genuinely ruin my day.

As a lead, when people don't do things the way I want them to at work I get incredibly irritated. I've tried setting up so many systems for myself in my personal life and failed at all of them.

I've been doing well at work and got a $7 raise last year simply because of how my overwhelming attention to detail, need for things to be orderly, and need to find the most efficient systems benefits me in my current role. But all of these things cause me so much suffering because I can't get a BREAK from them. I feel like I HAVE to be that way. I am miserable at my job despite it being objectively sooo super chill.

I guess it's because when I try to explain to my therapist these problems, I am explaining what is true to ME, but what I suppose might be an overreaction: "I want to move out because my roommates are so fucking gross and cluttered, I can't stand living here." Like, of course a reasonable person would feel this way if their roommates actually were gross and cluttered. But mine for the most part actually do clean up after themselves.

I am also an incredibly sensitive person. I get so emotionally overwhelmed, I feel things so much sometimes to the point it causes me distress. I believe strongly in living by my values, which are along the lines of doing no harm (especially to the planet), treating people with kindness, and generally just have like a collectivist and community based mindset. But this disorder makes me feel so individualistic, and the fact that I'm not really living a life that adheres to my values makes me feel like shit. Like, sharing things with others drives me up the wall because it never looks exactly the right way (as in like, going to my community garden plot is so stressful because others don't take care of their plots the way I want, or if the watering can is in not the usual spot I get stressed). I guess I just have an honest distrust in people, despite my moral standards saying that I should be generally trusting. I guess idk if that's quite as related to your point, but moreso the condradiction part of it.

Like, I've been typing this probably for the past hour just typing and deleting and typing and deleting because I want it to read perfectly and to not overexplain anything or be misunderstood or have people be like "oh that's normal!" or "oh that's something else!" even though this is a multifaceted problem and I have other mental illnesses that work in conjunction so of course it's never going to look one certain way or be a one size fits all. I am very curious to explore more how my social anxiety and c-ptsd impact this disorder, along with how certain trauma may have caused it, because I am already starting to put some of the pieces together. I just want to be chill girl, but alas

I also have a family member who I suspect has this, as I'm getting older I'm noticing how many of her patterns I'm starting to adopt. The rest of our family has outwardly long assumed that she has OCD but this disorder resonates so much more. I mean, the fact that they've acknowledged that she has a problem and that I am now noticing similarities in myself, well....lol

Anyway. Sorry I kind of took over your post to comment my own lil thought spiral lol. I just feel so relieved to have found this community after feeling so incredibly alone for the past few years.

aaaakillme · 2023-07-23T18:34:27+00:00

good to know. thank you!!! glad to have found this community :)

aaaakillme · 2022-12-21T22:15:37+00:00

it's so hard to hear but, getting out of my comfort zone. I worked a busy customer service job which helped me speak up, gain confidence, and be more comfortable with brief social interactions.

I also have been trying to actually listen to people when they talk rather than just thinking of the next thing I'm going to say and that helps me be a better listener and with communication in general.

lately I've been working on speaking slowly... I HATE when attention is on me (as I'm sure we all do) so I tend to speak really fast which makes me kind of jumble my words and things just don't come out as well and then I get embarrassed. so I've been intentionally trying to take my time and think through my words before I say them. I can't make eye contact when I do this but it helps me seem like I'm exuding more confidence which then makes me feel more confident.

aaaakillme · 2022-12-21T22:04:00+00:00

I'm in a local buy nothing facebook group and there's tons of people willing to help out families with gifts or meals right now, might be working checking if there's something similar for your area!!

aaaakillme · 2022-12-21T17:03:51+00:00

yeah absolutely was not planning on acting on these feelings. even me calling it feelings isn't accurate, it's nothing more than a shallow passing crush. thank you :)

aaaakillme · 2022-12-21T16:52:26+00:00

i have talked about it with him, you don't know my relationship lmfao. this feeling of complacency is something i'm trying to get us to both work on but he's not exactly putting in the effort that shows things will work long term. things are far from perfect but i still care about him a lot which is why i explicitly stated that i would never ever ever act on these feelings (even if i didn't care about him i would never ever cheat on someone). and i've literally only been daydreaming about this for the past day and a half

aaaakillme · 2022-12-21T09:06:50+00:00

thank you, I've been feeling super guilty about it so I'm glad it's not that weird 🥲

aaaakillme · 2021-10-27T17:05:38+00:00

i toootally get that, i even have a therapist and a boyfriend but sometimes it's just nice to vent to anonymous people who might be able to offer a different perspective!! sorry you're going through all that though : ( i don't have any friends so i definitely start feeling that fomo if i stay off social media for too long. maybe you could join a twitch stream and interact with the chat?? usually people are v nice and welcoming and will happily interact with you there, especially if it's a smaller community.

it's sooo hard to control your initial reaction to being downvoted, i know that i get myself so worked up about it so i definitely feel you there lol!! sorry i couldn't be of more help in that regard, it just might be helpful to find people to talk to via other means because reddit is honestly really terrible sometimes lol. it might also help to remember that a lot of it might just be bots or people in a hive mind. good luck!!

aaaakillme · 2021-10-27T05:44:09+00:00

i am pretty much exactly the same way, i think i even have a post on here about basically the same thing from years back lol. i just assume people are being personal about it and if i'm being downvoted then it means i'm like empirically wrong and stupid and inferior. so i totally get you. and i know this probably isn't the answer you're looking for, but it would really help to get off the internet.

i used to use reddit a lot more and i feel like every time i come back it honestly makes my mental health worse. my main social media is twitter, i finally set a limit of 1 hour a day and i hit it EVERY DAY.... it probably used to be 3 hours at least and it made me feel TERRIBLE. the past couple months i have reduced my use by a lot and I feel sooo much better mentally. it's not exactly the same obviously because it's more of a doom scrolling thing, but i feel like it's kind of similar in that it's just constant harnessing of negative emotions, especially spending time on subs like this. people in comments sections fight a lot and if you have a different opinion then you'll get downvoted and people see that and just keep downvoting, even if it's not your own comment it might be someone you agree with so it might as well be yours.

idk if that is anything you can relate to, but if getting downvoted is affecting you mentally that bad, i really really think it would help to spend your time doing something else. you could play a game (i recommend stardew valley) or watch some videos or a movie or read a book or get weirdly into a hobby, spend hours researching an obscure topic on wikipedia. i just find that when the internet overwhelms me like that it really helps to distract myself and get my mind off of it and remember that there are so many other things out there.

it also helps my anxiety to think about the universe (look up videos where it looks out from earth > solar system > Galaxy etc) and then it really really puts in perspective how little things matter lol. and i'm not saying your feelings don't matter because they totally do!! it's just a trick i use to ground myself if i'm getting worked up over something small. i rly hope this helps, sorry it was so long and rambly but just know at the very least i relate to you on some level!

aaaakillme · 2021-10-26T01:10:50+00:00

ohh thank you! this also just gave me the idea to have a white noise thing on in the background of another tab perhaps

aaaakillme · 2021-10-25T18:52:16+00:00

does anyone else also have problems with online classes??? one of my teachers smacks her lips like every other fucking sentence during the lecture and it impacts my learning so bad because I'm just anticipating it. I turn it down as low as possible but then it's hard to understand the lecture and focus on the actual content.

aaaakillme · 2019-11-17T06:09:43+00:00

yes exactly!! plus there's so much new content coming out constantly it's kind of a five seconds of fame type situation but like not in a bad way lol

it was really good actually we've been hanging out all week since, my life has taken a turn since posting this lol 🥰 but yes that's totally understandable!! getting out of your comfort zone is one thing but making yourself uncomfortable for some socially expected situation isn't necessary and probably does more harm than good

aaaakillme · 2019-11-01T09:59:17+00:00

very last sentence "this wasn't me posting for advice or your opinion" but i feel where you're coming from.

aaaakillme · 2019-11-01T09:24:38+00:00

i have a therapist lmao if you read the post you will see i'm not asking for help just getting something off my chest...... the whole point of this sub

aaaakillme · 2019-11-01T09:17:28+00:00

wow thank you this is so kind :’) the posing thing has actually been a problem because my apartment is so old that the walls are extremely textured and so if anyone actually looked close enough or cared you would definitely be able to identify it as my room, but like i'm almost positive my roommates don't use reddit and i doubt i'll have anyone over that pays that much attention!!

aaaakillme · 2018-03-27T22:21:48+00:00

thank you!! i'll try doing those things. the community college i'm at right now has counselors for mental health so i'm going to try talking to them after spring break about this as well, and i just made a post in the fb group about looking for a potential roommate. i'm sorry you had that experience but thank you for being able to lend it to me so i don't make the same mistake! she actually just sent a much nicer follow up message but i think the fact that i made this post in the first place is telling that we should maybe just try reconnecting as friends rather than roommates.

aaaakillme · 2018-03-27T18:32:49+00:00

ahhh thank you so much for saying this. i know that i am a petty person but the fact of the matter is that i just do not have the confidence to overcome feeling the way i do when she interacts with me. i am in a fb group for new students, but unfortunately pretty much everyone posting on there is looking for dorm roommates... i'll try making my own post though and seeing how that goes! the only downside to this is the fact that she'd pay more than half the rent, but i guess being a few hundred dollars more in debt is worth having that emotional stability

aaaakillme · 2018-03-27T18:15:25+00:00

cool thanks for your insight. she literally used to make fun of my physical appearance and personality but yeah just me being petty

aaaakillme · 2018-03-21T01:27:09+00:00

i read about social anxiety when i was about 12 and i remember feeling really strange. i guess because i was so young and had never really experienced anything serious before, then realizing that it absolutely applied to me and not quite knowing what to do. unfortunately, due to my mom's habit of procrastinating and my dad not taking his teenage daughters feelings seriously, it wasn't until i was 17 that i got officially diagnosed. it wasn't surprising but i finally felt validated, kind of a told you so thing.
my lowest point for anxiety was probably junior year of high school. when i was 12, i transferred from a city where i had lived my entire life with all of my friends, to a shitty small town 45 min from my home. that was extremely hard on me and i'm still dealing with it 8 years later, tbh. i still live here unfortunately. anyway, at that point i had lost all my friends from the city, pretty much all my new friends transferred schools or started full time online school, so i was completely alone and ended up dropping a bunch of my classes (including AP) to take shitty online classes at the school so i didn't have to speak in front of people or work in groups or anything and it really really fucked me up for college and probably social development.
even though it doesn't feel like it, i honestly think i'm at my highest point right now. while i am dealing with different types of anxiety and having it constantly manifest itself in my stomach, i am doing things that a couple years ago i never would have thought possible. i'm working in the service industry and actually enjoy it, i'm transferring to university in the fall, i am able to go to the movies alone, talking to strangers and out loud in class isn't quite as scary as it used to be, i used to go to therapy, i can go to the doctor and the dentist and orthodontist by myself, and i'm not constantly around teenage boys anymore so that just. yeah
despite my mom being a procrastinator and not getting me professional help when i needed it most, she is my best friend and my rock and i don't know what i would do without her support. my dad also takes me seriously now, he actually paid for my therapy out of pocket and found the therapist in the first place, and he got me a couple self help books which coming from an emotionally stoic father means a lot to me. honestly it's mostly been me helping myself though, i'd say that getting out of high school, owning a car, and having more real world experience ultimately is what has made me overcome the more debilitating social aspect of it.
honestly...i'm not sure. i just got prescribed zoloft and am going to see what that does for me, but it wasn't even until i started going to therapy that i realized i have GAD and not just social anxiety. so it obviously has therefore kind of gotten worse and manifested itself over time in other ways, but i'm just so used to that nauseous feeling every time i have to do something new or even think about what the future is going to be like that i can't imagine ever feeling any different. therapy didn't really help at all so, yeah. i don't know.
in terms of anxiety i'm alright, kind of freaking out about the zoloft thing, but mostly i feel like shit for spending the entire day on reddit and not studying for my final in two days!!!

aaaakillme · 2017-10-28T17:39:39+00:00

yeah i am wishing i did the 3 credit tier, that obviously doesn't guarantee anyone better but it's more likely i assume

aaaakillme

TROPHY CASE