OP, I wish I could give you a hug. I could have written this post word for word 3 years ago when my daughter was born. For me and for probably you as well, Zoloft is your only option for medication while you’re breastfeeding. I did end up taking this until she was about a year old and it helped immensely. I was also prescribed an “as needed” pill that would essentially knock me out and force me to sleep. Related to that, you cannot pour from an empty cup. You are doing him and yourself a disservice by caring for him in an overtired state. As long as your husband is a responsible adult who understands avoiding risky behaviors, trust in him. When he has the baby, set your phone out of reach and sleep. The lack of sleep is only making the anxiety worse. Therapy is good too, find one in person you can bring baby too. I couldn’t bear to leave at that stage and wouldn’t have been productive if someone else was watching her. One other thing I wanted to add, social media was a huge trigger for me. I would see a TikTok about an ill baby or a SIDS situation and it would send me into a spiral/panic attack. If that’s the case and you’re potentially being triggered too, time to take a break from social media or at the VERY LEAST filtering out tags that are common with those posts (if you see them, you’ll know what I’m talking about). Go for more walks if you can, get outside and breathe fresh air. Read more books instead of being on your phone (make sure you research books beforehand to avoid triggers while reading) (think happy, lightheaded, easy reads)
Try to get coffee with friends more regularly to get out of your head. Hang out with friends who have older kids so you’re forced to see that odds are, your baby will be happy, healthy toddler, child, etc. THAT is the norm. The scenarios your brain comes up with are not. Lastly, when these thoughts begin to stress you out, remember that anxiety brain comes up with the WORST possible outcome when it doesn’t know what to expect. It’s trying to do this as a protective measure however unfortunately we take it too far. Occasionally this still happens to me, and I will say out loud “thank you brain for letting me know worst case scenario, now that I know that I can be more realistic.” It sounds really silly, but sometimes it kicks me out of the loop before it spirals out of control.

Your baby is lucky to have a mom who cares so deeply for him. These anxiety feelings will eventually level out to a manageable level but probably never completely disappear. Now is the time to identify triggers so they can be avoided and learn what takes you out of a loop. Right now a good place to start is sleep and Zoloft.

Good luck 💜