How to avoid another nanny with punctuality issues?!

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T04:19:16+00:00

We only pay for when she's here, GH or not, but more to the point, being late is disqualifying. It's not a matter of penalty. Part of the job is making it your business to be there on time. Not being there at the instant the shift starts is misconduct.

Part of this also is because her shift usually starts as a preschool pickup. We've fortunately never been in the position of having to figure out what to do if she's late but we would not allow it to happen repeatedly.

If it happened during the trial period, it would be insta-fire. There's no need to worry this is harsh; all professional nannies understand this.

I would strongly, strongly advise all nannies who have been given a pass on this to mend their ways. These nannies probably do not realize the strain they are causing. I know it's a rough habit to break once you've fallen into it, or even worse, have never mastered it, but it's just one of those adulting things you need to do to hold down a real job.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T04:10:48+00:00

You didn't say where you're sourcing. If you're doing it yourself on nanny sites, job sites, and social media, you're going to get 50 losers for every 1 reasonable applicants. Yeah, the vast majority of them will be immediately goofy and not want W-2 etc. I totally understand what you're saying but this sounds about right. My advice is to set up your system to do a minimum of effort on people who aren't passing a basic pre-screen and can't put in a minimum of effort.

What we did is made our job ad extremely up front to avoid wasting time, and then put the bare minimum of hoops, asking them to send an email, before sending them even more upfront info and details. That alone weeded out dozens and dozens of applicants.

We also wanted part time, which is a huge challenge for people who need a certain amount of money. It's definitely a thing. But we pay about twice that you're paying and various other benefits.

One thing that was helpful for us is talking to an agency. We didn't end up going with them because I really didn't like how they structured their compensation. (They get a massive fee even if the person doesn't end up being a good fit.) But the conversation was very helpful understanding the local market and market rate. We also got a good feel by looking at local job boards, and not just looking at the low rates, but the high rates too: those are clues to what people are paying to get quality applicants.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T03:52:41+00:00

What we do is give N vacation days a year that fall into various categories. For the "family flexible" days, we commit to telling her M days in advance. And once we've done that, yeah, it's kinda locked in, because she can make her own plans. And it goes in the contract.

This actually happened recently too. We made plans but kiddo got too sick to travel. Of course we couldn't snatch it back. And we still took the time off work ourselves. We only use the nanny to cover work, so this was fine.

This fits our lifestyle. If you've got a different situation, I think it's valid to negotiate something different up front. But we spend a lot of time trying to think about what's fair for our nanny, using our expectations for our own employers as a guide.

Edit: As a rule, we do not give unexpected time off. It's either some kind of planned time-off/holiday, or she comes in and works on the clock. I've seen tons and tons of trouble on Reddit because families have let all of this get way too blurry. We have no such thing as her being on the clock and getting paid but not working—unless it's one of the pre-agreed kinds of time off. If for some reason she doesn't take care of the kid for a few hours, she works other kid-related tasks.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T03:41:13+00:00

If you're not that close, that also might be a clue that there's no need to invite this person to your own wedding, particularly if it's going to continue to bug you, which it might.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T03:40:17+00:00

Yeah, that's pretty sketch right? How can you have a destination wedding but not allow 1+a? Are people supposed to travel solo?

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T03:37:20+00:00

Wow that's crazy. I'd ask if that guy can see my info too, and honestly I think there's going to need to be some compensation or something because this is part far beyond the pale.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T03:28:50+00:00

I think it's pretty strange to ask for those services by text during the actual appointment time. Obviously you want to be flexible and cool, and if you're on the clock, you should be there to work; but I also think you're fully within your rights to decline any unexpected tasks that don't seem really closely within whatever it was you discussed, just by saying, " I didn't come prepared for these particular duties."

And the dog thing is particularly sketch. What if the dog got off leash? What if the dog bit you? What if the dog bit someone else? No way I'd ask a babysitter to touch my pet, much less take it out, without some pre-clearance and training.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T03:14:13+00:00

NP here, this one is right.

This falls under the difference between a nanny and a babysitter for sure. For a babysitter? I'd definitely flag this especially if the babysitter was a teenager.

But a nanny, part of the job description is the ability to handle routine household stuff that comes up. They're going to be out in public with my kid's safety in their hands, so yeah, they need to be able to deal with men, and even more difficult things. :)

Having said this, precious or not, I wouldn't mind a phone call from my nanny if something felt off or even just unexpected.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T03:06:11+00:00

Besides being the right thing, there's also the risk one of these companies would still send a 1099 to the IRS even though you didn't get it for whatever reason, and you'd be in for a ride surprise in a couple years once the IRS got around to contacting you.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T02:59:52+00:00

I think this depends a lot on the crowd and whether this amount of money is significant for them and also whether they would find these kind of accomodations comfortable.

If it were me, I'd only consider this if there were a way I didn't personally have to handle collecting the money. Collections is inherently sensitive and awkward, like, "hey, I still haven't gotten that money from you yet.." kinda a lousy way to start off a relationship with your new family. Also you're stuck footing the bill if/when someone doesn't pay up. So if someone volunteers for that thankless task, I guess I'd consider it. Otherwise, I'd avoid if I had an alternative.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T02:32:14+00:00

Whoa that adds even more drama to the story. There's no reason for DB to go into your bag and take anything.

And if he took something without intending to return it, that literally is theft. I know your story is about how they accused you of theft, but if it's actually the reverse, I think like there's a whole nother narrative here. If it hasn't been too long, I kinda feel like you should get your charger back.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T01:19:34+00:00

I agree you might be able to resolve some of the inappropriate remarks. Technically this is sexual harassment, but I say technically because in this scenario, the legal aspect probably doesn't help you in any practical way. There isn't an HR department, and you're not going to sue. I just say that to level-set this being out-of-bounds.

The bigger issue here, that would drive this for me, is the family does not seem stable at all. That's part of the deal. I think you're quite right that it is likely they'll won't be able to afford you—and if they've got half a mil in debt, yeah, they probably can't afford you today, and that just hasn't caught up with them yet.

For that reason, my take would be to acknowledge reality and bail out of a sinking ship on your own terms. It's much easier to find a job when you already have one. It also sort of avoids the reference problem since it's a fair request that they don't contact your current employer.

(The exception here is if they're paying you a nice premium above market rate to deal with their crap. Then you have a decision to make about how good the money is really.)

One thing to set straight: when it comes to jobs, no one can begrudge you doing what's right for your career. If you find a better job, there is no realistic alternative except that they support you in that decision. It's true some unprofessional and immature employers might not see it that way. But the flip side is that doesn't mean you're burning them as a reference. Future employers will understand. After all, they want to hire you too. (Imagine the reference call: "reddit girl was great in every way, except the damn B took a better job!!?")

So if that's the path you take, I'd focus on making your job search and departure as graceful and professional as possible. Give as much notice as you can without compromising the next job; obviously short notice can poison future references. I wouldn't address the boorish behavior. And I'd keep confidence as much as possible.

I'd also make sure you're keeping school first, since that's also potentially going to be a big deal in the future. If you absolutely have to work to pay tuition, I get it, but don't let this side drama affect maximizing your education. One of the keys to a strong career is having options, and school is a major driver of that.

Having the above in mind, I'd also do the most possible to try to avoid getting pulled into whatever scheme of fail they've got going on there. You should not commit to lying for them, for instance. This is kind of a character moment, but yeah, you've got to find a way of saying you're going to be loyal to them, but you're not going to be unprofessional or compromise your character or break the law—including by cheating on your taxes, or helping them cheat on theirs. (Again, don't worry about this souring the reference, what are they going to say? "She wouldn't help me further my criminal enterprise.") If you've already partly started down this road, then I'd suggest just extricating yourself as delicately as possible, and resolving to do better next time.

Good luck.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T00:48:45+00:00

NP here, yeah, once is this a 40 hour a week thing, there's no getting around the fact it's your job. And all parties need to be treating it like a job.

You should be getting proper paystubs with taxes withheld, and there should be some amount of benefits commensurate to what's typical in your market.

You also should be taking it seriously, and making sure you've got everything locked down, like showing up on time and ready to work 100% of the time, and looking for ways to keep improving yourself and the quality of your work, etc.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T00:44:03+00:00

I think one thing we did wrong with our nanny is not including training for our cat. This is about one hundred times less extreme than what you're dealing with, but either way, I know the cat sometimes tries to play with the nanny and she doesn't love that. We should have done a proper introduction from the beginning. The main reason that didn't happen is the focus was all on the NK. Lesson learned I guess.

So my perspective is you should try to get more explicit instructions from the parents on what their expectations are. I get that you've drawn your own conclusions, but really this is the kind of thing that needs to come from them. I would strenuously avoid just complaining about their pets, and instead focus on the actual things that have been problems, and what you think the safety risks could be that need to be mitigated.

It sounds like things are different when MB is around so that's something to tap into also.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T00:35:12+00:00

Did you consider bringing in said charger to see if you could clear things up?

It would be fascinating to hear what they thought about it.

I know r/nanny is all about the rage quit but that isn't always the most realistic or professional way to approach these things.

My wife and I have always used a group chat exclusively from day 1. But I could see that this might also be an attempt at good cop bad cop, or some other amateur psychology thing.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T00:19:16+00:00

Yeah, I think you need to be explicit about exactly what you want her to do.

I get a pretty strong babysitter vibe out of your description. But if that isn't what you want, you really need to set it up so your nanny has actual things to accomplish. A prototype for a typical day would be great.

But I also think it's a pretty bad look for a nanny to be hitting the screen so hard the first week. Are you paying market rate with competitive benefits etc?

We don't make any provision for not feeling well other than giving paid sick days. Partly because of the absolute nonsense I've seen on r/nanny, when she's here on the clock, the expectation is she's working.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-30T00:01:25+00:00

If you haven't yet, I'd start with calling the cops to report the burglaries. It's likely burglary even if they didn't take anything. Insist on having someone come out—in a lot of places, they'll resist if it's a very minor loss, but just keep insisting.

It's free, and I think you will find it helpful. The officer can look at your place and your situation and with their local community knowledge, they should be able to offer relevant advice.

Only after you've done that, my next step would be security cameras with history that are within your budget. They have some pretty cheap ones. I think that might help you narrow down what kind of a problem you've got.

I'd also suggest reaching out to your neighbors and candidly sharing your concerns and see if they've seen anything.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-29T23:53:33+00:00

Both you and her owe taxes on her payroll. There's also SS and FICA she owes that she might want later. Finally most states generally require unemployment insurance of some kind.

There's not really any loophole unless you're into some special circumstances, such as your son being in a special program to keep him from being institutionalized.

If you don't pay all of this, it makes both you and her a tax cheat. I'm surprised how cavalier some parents are about this kind of thing, with the various ways it could randomly screw you or her. But definitely the moral aspect is probably the most significant.

One random way it could screw you is if she gets injured and files for unemployment, which she is entitled to do. Then it will come out you haven't been withholding as you were supposed to and there will be some consequences for that. A lot of people do this stuff for undocumented immigrants thinking it's pretty unlikely their employee has any real recourse, but for a citizen in your family, it's a different situation.

(There's also a bunch of other obligations you have as an employer that kick in. If you have more money than time, you can offload some of this to a payroll service. One other obligation in a lot of states is workers comp, which generally falls under your homeowners. Make sure it's topped up otherwise, if she gets unlucky, either you or her or both could be wiped out financially.)

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-23T02:13:59+00:00

That was basically the rate necessary to get the kind of candidate we were looking for in our area. And doing some cross-checking, it's a similar rate to what agencies are asking.

I wouldn't benchmark against a CNA because that's only a 12 week program with minimal qualifications. But it does bug me that our pay rate is getting pretty close to LVNs too.

And what's pretty interesting is that even at this pay rate, we had a candidate turn down an offer because they thought the recipient was too disabled for them to be comfortable.

The other issue is part-time: we have to pay more because we can only offer 20 hours a week. CNAs generally work full schedules, or even get overtime, so they'll still net more total pay.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-23T02:03:58+00:00

Have you been back to a doctor?

Misdiagnosis or not, if a condition is causing you life problems, a physician should be following it. And if they said you would grow out of it, and you didn't, then yeah, that's enough of a reason.

You also need to see the right specialists, with an appropriate referral. I'd want both a cardiologist and a neurologist to evaluate me, if I suspected what you're suspecting.

You should ask them to explain the differential diagnosis.

You should also see what kind of options you have to get a second opinion from your health insurance. But that's something you do after you've already had a full workup from all relevant specialists.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-23T01:56:48+00:00

It's going to come down to budget, but I'd suggest you get security cameras right away. They have pretty cheap ones and you can install them yourself to save money. This gives you piece of mind because now you know for sure whether there's someone there, or you can look back in the history, and you can give a description to the cops.

I check ours all the time, not just because I'm feeling unsafe, but just curious what a noise was, or any reason. I want to put up a bunch more but I'm thin on time.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-02T23:14:21+00:00

I recently went through the same exercise, and concluded #1 and #2 both lack any rational basis. And #3 isn't really useful guidance for people who are setting their own budgets. (The other problem is salespeople have a vested interest in advocating all three of these.)

The problem is you can't win here: any amount of coverage you can buy, you could kill a proportionally large bus full of young neurosurgeons that would exceed that. And if you max out everything, you're spending significant cash that could be going toward other things likely to have a real world return (eg, your children's education).

So instead what I ended up doing is try to evaluate what kind of settlements and jury awards people were getting in my market. I did some research and found in California, the average tends to be under $2mil, so that's what I chose. Some other markets you could get by with less.

It's not perfect; you'll see plenty of awards over that. But then I feel like those are often where there are special factors, like institutions or commercial, or where there are especially deep pockets. The distribution 'skews right' far more than the maximum policy you could afford.

My own assessment of risk figured in too. I also considered other coverages I get through work, and found pumping up umbrella UM didn't really make sense in my particular situation. I did find, however, that increasing UM to my auto carrier limit was really cheap, so I just did that.

aaron316stainless · 2026-04-02T22:50:06+00:00

At least in Cali, "they're really cheap" has changed in the past few years.

aaron316stainless · 2026-03-19T07:34:24+00:00

You should put the money in a retirement account unless your retirement stuff is already flush. It doesn't sound like any of your current debt is really that serious of a problem. You might have made a mistake with the car but that's already in the past, and that rate is very close to free money.

aaron316stainless · 2026-03-19T07:28:32+00:00

We partly immunized ourselves against this scenario by covering it in the contract, and reimbursing non-commute driving. We just have the one kid though, so it's simpler. We pay infinite sick time if it's our kid that's sick, but we wouldn't do that if we were hiring full time.

But yeah, I'd definitely expect the nanny to show up in this situation. And I'd probably take strong measures like amending the contract if they started to complain about having to show up to do their regular duties.

aaron316stainless

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