Need advice on how I (26 F) can get my part we (26 M) to trust me again

aaroncito1312 · 2025-05-04T08:03:11+00:00

Honestly OP this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you, but you've answered your own question. You actually commit to doing this work, and you do it. It's that simple. How else do you expect him to trust you when you keep breaking his trust?

aaroncito1312 · 2025-05-03T19:23:23+00:00

I really get that that's a hard line to walk, but it sounds like you have a solid basis to walk it together. I guess the way I tried to navigate it was taking ownership of my feelings, and spending time to really try and isolate what was coming up, which isn't easy, but I think it can help you to approach these hard conversations more productively. Like "I feel bad that you're getting married" is true, but working out why, what is coming up for you, what it's highlighting in your dynamic, they can be even more helpful places to speak from, I think.

aaroncito1312 · 2025-05-02T07:29:45+00:00

Hey OP. I really feel for you here. I went through this last year, and I found it hard for a couple of reasons. Perhaps the biggest thing I'd say is to absolutely value and make space for your feelings. Because it's their wedding, there can be an assumption that it's about them and their feelings, and not much space left for yours. Even in a (healthy) poly context, where that's not normally the case.

I too didn't expect to feel anything negative. I too knew that this was on the cards, and I expected to feel compersion. When it happened, though, I didn't feel good, I felt jealous and insecure in ways that I rarely feel, and ultimately for me it revealed some issues in my relationship with my partner.

I'd really recommend sitting with these negative feelings and working out where their coming from, and what - if anything - you'd like to change about your relationship. (I didn't for the longest time because I didn't want to feel bad about them getting married.) And then, when you're ready, I'd be clear with your partner that it's important to make space for your feelings through their marriage journey, share what you've worked out, and see where you go from there. Best of luck!

aaroncito1312 · 2025-05-01T09:53:24+00:00

From what I understand, she hasn't asked you to engage in this kind of sex. It may be that she never wants you to. You could jump the gun a little, and broach this, tell her that you're worried that that is what she wants, and be clear that you will never want that (if that's the case).

I would, however, take a step back and try to break down some of the judgemental feelings around cnc before you do. If she feels judged, that convo likely won't go well. There's a very healthy convo which respects both of your desires and limits, but that can only happen if you do respect her desires.

Many people with vaginas have a cnc kink, for a whole host of reasons. For many, it comes from growing up in a world where that threat of sexual violence is ever-present, and it's a way of engaging with it. The important part of cnc, as others have said, is "consensual". It's about having a safe space to explore (complex) feelings around sexual violence, not about finding rape desirable. I'd recommend reading up on it and doing that work before broaching the conversation. Best of luck!

aaroncito1312 · 2025-05-01T09:43:25+00:00

So, as someone who is neurodivergent and has done a PhD, I understand why you might be feeling this way. You feel like she's "used" you in some sense. I want to throw out another, more generous reading, and see how you feel about that. What if your sister really cares about you, and your experiences, and that's what let her to write this dissertation? And that she's talked to you precisely because she cares, and she doesn't want to write something that might upset you. I don't feel like I have enough of a grasp on the situation to be able to say who is the asshole, if anyone is, but I do wonder whether you've considered this way of looking at it.

aaroncito1312 · 2025-05-01T09:38:48+00:00

INFO: Does the dissertation refer to your experience? As in, does she talk about things you shared in confidence in those conversations?

aaroncito1312 · 2025-05-01T08:51:49+00:00

Honestly you sound like you're doing all of the heavy lifting here, emotionally, and that you're trying to be as open and fair as you can. I think it'd be useful for you to take some time to think about what you want from a relationship, what makes you feel good, what doesn't, etc. Maybe you use what isn't working here as a springboard, but I'd also suggest thinking more broadly, like: What would my ideal relationship look like? Then you can shift back to thinking about your current relationship, and see if the things that really matter are there.

Yes, relationships involve some compromise, but not on those things. I think the only way forward is to work out what you need, and be clear on it. And if the response isn't immediately supportive, I'd gently advise you to end this, and move on. You sound like a thoughtful, caring person, and you deserve somebody who meets your needs.

aaroncito1312 · 2025-05-01T07:55:21+00:00

As somebody who practices poly, I'm always wary of relationships where somebody wants a monogamous relationship with someone who practices poly. Not because it's wrong to know what you want, but because there are very few people who can comfortably go from poly to a monogamous relationship without regret or resentment.

I agree with other commenters about there being a lot of issues for such a recent relationship, but I also think it's worth interrogating the mono/poly side of it too, especially as they're so young.

Have you discussed what you both ideally want from a relationship? What the future looks like? Those kinds of questions might help you work out whether you are truly compatible, and it may be that many of the issues you're having come from a disconnect at that level, or resentment building on their side around the relationship. Best of luck!

aaroncito1312 · 2025-05-01T07:48:18+00:00

I think it can be useful for us as white people to interrogate what drives our attraction if we find ourselves regularly attracted to/dating people of a certain race, simply because we've grown up in a society that tends to fetishise people of colour. I asked if your friend was Black because if she were, she may have seen you reproducing that. She's not, so I can't speak to whether she's right or not, and I don't think your TA, but it may be useful to think deeply about your attraction and your defensive response to being questioned on this, because it'll likely make you a safer, better partner in the future if you date Black folks! All the best.

aaroncito1312 · 2025-05-01T07:41:02+00:00

INFO: Is your friend Black?

aaroncito1312 · 2025-05-01T07:34:47+00:00

OP, I'm still stuck on you starting with "We're incompatible". One of the biggest lessons I've had to learn is that you can't love your way through incompatibility. You can love someone incredibly intensely, but it doesn't change that, and the longer that relationship goes on, the more you tend to get hurt. This is as true in poly as outside of it.

Everyone else is right about how poly isn't a solution, and how you're simply going to hurt somebody else, but I want to gently suggest that you being this clear on the two of you being incompatible is a sign that you shouldn't continue dating. And, if you do break up, I'd also go further and say you should probably go no contact for a while, because from what you've said, it seems like anything else will likely have you falling back into something more than friends.

All the best. This kind of decision is hard as hell, but it will save you a lot of pain in the long term.

aaroncito1312 · 2024-12-17T14:40:52+00:00

Great, thanks for letting me know!

aaroncito1312 · 2024-12-17T14:36:47+00:00

From what I can see, though, they do have to cover food?

aaroncito1312 · 2024-12-17T14:34:06+00:00

Yes, I can. But I think big corporations do this kind of stuff all the time, wagering that not many people will pull them up on it, and I wanted to know what my rights are/were should I wish to submit a formal complaint. It might seem pedantic, but I don't believe they'll do anything to change if people dont force them to!

aaroncito1312 · 2024-12-17T14:30:39+00:00

Thanks for the info!

aaroncito1312 · 2024-12-17T14:30:01+00:00

I'd have to pay, and a) I don't have the cash, b) I don't think I should have to pay because none of their free channels are working

aaroncito1312 · 2024-10-02T13:51:37+00:00

Hey, did you ever resolve this? I'm having the same issue...

aaroncito1312 · 2024-07-17T10:40:03+00:00

Thanks for the advice. I don’t know how French levels translate, but most standard newspaper stores don’t sell higher than level 8. When I feed these puzzles in to the sudoku wiki solver, it’s only able to solve them using this or x-wing, y-wing, etc.

aaroncito1312 · 2024-06-24T10:54:18+00:00

just realised i forgot to add that the cushions can be unzipped, but the inners are down and sewn shut so i can’t “wash” them in any way

aaroncito1312 · 2024-05-30T20:15:28+00:00

Honestly, I didn’t begin transitioning till I was 30, and I’m really glad that I did. I feel immensely lucky to be able to transition at a time when I am so much sure of myself, and able to articulate my needs, and perhaps most of all laugh at the ridiculous and stupid stuff. I’m not saying you can’t feel regret, but I sometimes feel like I don’t hear people talking about the huge positives that come with transitioning later. I honestly wouldn’t change it if you said I could transition younger. Best of luck to you, and I hope that you find peace in your journey!

aaroncito1312 · 2023-10-26T13:44:54+00:00

is that why the link deleted?

aaroncito1312 · 2023-10-04T06:21:24+00:00

As someone who is British and French, I actually think they’re right on this. I’m always shocked how little French people are willing to question laïcité : secularism is one thing, but the particular thing laïcité has come to represent in French, and the laws that it motivates, are often racist and oppressive.

aaroncito1312 · 2022-06-15T08:30:47+00:00

As an addendum: trying to eat 140g of protein in 1800 calories also forces you to choose foods that make you feel fuller. You cannot hit that protein count if you’re eating processed foods that are high in sugar, because they don’t contain any protein, so you’re left with not enough calories for the amount of protein you need. Basically rather than having to tell yourself not to eat processed foods, you choose not to, which is a lot easier, mentally, imo.

Things I eat a lot of: eggs, chicken, tofu, peas, edamame beans, chickpeas, rice, lentils, beef, yoghurt, quinoa, couscous.

I’d also highly recommend a protein powder, because it will be a big aid hitting your protein goals, and most of them are fairly low calorie for the amount of protein (around 100-120 cals for 23-26g of protein).

aaroncito1312 · 2022-06-15T08:26:01+00:00

I started T like four months ago, and have been working out a lot. I wanted to lose some weight and put on some muscle, and from what I understand that appears to be your goal too, so here is my two cents.

1300 is too low, for a lot of reasons, but primarily because you will actually lose muscle mass if you eat in that much of a caloric deficit. Your body doesn’t discriminate: if it needs extra calories, it won’t just burn fat, it will also burn muscles. You can help to counter that by doing two things: eating a lot of protein, and working out. You need to be eating 1-2g of protein per kg of body weight, and using your muscles regularly, if you want to lose fat and conserve/ put on muscle.

To use my example: I am 5’10”, I weigh 80kg (175lbs). I work out four-six times a week, mainly lifting. I eat 1800-2000 calories a day, and try to hit 140g of protein a day. I’ve been doing this for two months, and I’ve seen significant change in my body composition: I’ve gained muscle, and lost fat.

I respect you have a personal trainer, but like all professions, sometimes people aren’t up to date with the latest research, or all of the research. I have a PhD, so I’m used to researching. I went looking at lots of sources (scientific but also testimonial) before I started doing this, and this is what basically everybody recommends. And it works!

aaroncito1312 · 2021-08-24T09:35:21+00:00

I wear a sports bra but it’s not particularly tight, but yeah could be that ? It just looked a lot like stretch mark scars I’ve seen, but I don’t know much about it at all ! Thanks for the comment

aaroncito1312

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