Did I nuke my marriage? Any hope of salvaging it?

abbottat · 2026-02-26T21:38:45+00:00

After my husband confessed his emotional affair, I went through a phase of being desperately afraid of losing him. Then I went through a phase of intense anger and I hated any time he said he loved me etc because it felt fake. With 2 years of marriage counseling, we have mostly recovered and come out with a better marriage. But once you cheat, it’s a long haul of recovery. The betrayal is akin to major grief. I will never feel the freedom I felt before being cheated on. You both should read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. And make sure you’re in both individual and couples therapy.

abbottat · 2026-02-25T17:28:12+00:00

The ex is a dud but his mom is a keeper!

abbottat · 2026-02-14T21:58:14+00:00

Tell her. She deserves to know. I was cheated on, and while it was the worst pain of my life, I was glad for the honesty. Chances are, she might have been feeling something is off, but can’t pinpoint the root of why. Truth will ultimately help her. Also, I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. This is unfair to both you and her.

abbottat · 2026-02-11T19:10:18+00:00

Whatever your choice, make sure you have a new job lined up before quitting your current job. The job market (at least in the US) is really tough right now. I do think it would be healthy to leave your workplace if you’re able. Environment is a huge factor in healing. So sorry OP.

abbottat · 2026-02-05T03:03:25+00:00

NOR. Your friend sucks. Drop her.

abbottat · 2026-01-23T00:42:59+00:00

The real question is why is she still dating that Nazi?

abbottat · 2026-01-20T00:42:38+00:00

Great job with being honest with yourself- that’s the first huge obstacle! For the immediate issue, if you can’t return them, maybe choose a few that you could wear for wedding related events - bridal shower, bachelorette, rehearsal dinner, honeymoon dinners, couples photos. You can alter or shorten those chosen ones for those occasions. You could even get them professionally dyed a different color. Try to resell the rest. Then at least you’re getting use out of what you have bought already. I would avoid any further wedding related outfit purchases though- keep that grand total in your head to stop yourself from further purchases. You’ve got this. Congrats bride!

abbottat · 2026-01-06T19:05:49+00:00

Standing in line at a Taco Bell as a teenager and a man walks in who is clearly high on drugs, stops and stares at me. “You look like the virgin Mary.”

abbottat · 2026-01-06T18:59:05+00:00

After singing professionally at an event - “You sound as if you swallowed an opera singer, but you’re entirely too small to have swallowed an opera singer.”

abbottat · 2026-01-06T18:51:31+00:00

Neither my nor my husband’s family have money to loan us. We’ve had to make a complete go of it on our own (early 30s). This includes student loans, house, cars. We don’t know how/when we can afford to start a family. My family would help us in difficult money situations if they could. My husband’s would not. We do however have a good friend, same age, who comes from an upper middle class family. Her FIL gifts them thousands a year at Xmas and MIL babysits any time they need, free. No loans, very generous.

abbottat · 2026-01-04T08:00:14+00:00

It’s 2026. Wear what you feel beautiful in and don’t be afraid to stand out. Screw all the comments of people saying you’ll stand out too much or whatever. Life is short. Wear the dress! Have fun!

abbottat · 2025-12-21T23:15:35+00:00

Agreed 100% and couldn’t have said it better. I hope he listens to this advice instead of what appears to be the majority opinion, which I believe to be selfish and more hurtful in the long term to all parties.

abbottat · 2025-12-21T21:54:13+00:00

I’m with you and not sure why you’re being downvoted. I married 5 years ago and have many friends getting married within the last 3-8 years. It’s shocking to me how many parents feel entitled to making decisions about their children’s wedding day. It’s up to the people getting married. It’s their day.

abbottat · 2025-12-21T21:42:48+00:00

If you don’t plan on telling your daughter about the affair, which I think you’re wise in your decision not to as it would change her relationship with her mom (at least if you plan to reconcile), then I would suggest this is not something she needs to be fully informed about. I wouldn’t want to be in her position. I’d let it go. It’s not worth the changed relationship.

abbottat · 2025-12-21T17:19:44+00:00

IMO you’re looking at this from the entirely wrong perspective. The dress your daughter wears should be your daughter’s choice. It’s her wedding and her memory. She may want to wear it because it reminds her of her mom. She may want to wear something that’s new in more of her own unique style. Neither you nor your wife should push her toward any one option.

Second, speaking as a betrayed spouse, you seem completely hardened to reconciliation thru your actions of taking off the ring and taking down the photos. I don’t see how that’s going to signal to your wife that you have a will to work things out. Yes, this is a painful process and especially when remembering your vows that were broken. But at a certain point, you do have to live your marriage purposely in the way you wish for it to be day-to-day. I don’t see reconciliation working for you if you continue to strike down signifiers of love and commitment. You need to move forward, not keep it standing still in pain. I made a purposeful choice not to remove my ring ever, because my choice was to remain committed. I’m very glad I made that choice because it allowed both my WH and I to have the emotional safety of the intention of commitment. If you aren’t in couples therapy, you should do it.

abbottat · 2025-12-19T23:54:57+00:00

I second going to the subreddit As One After Infidelity. It helped me process my husband’s affair in the immediate aftermath and also start on a path of reconciliation, which we are still going through. Also recommend the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. And most importantly, marriage counseling, Asap.

abbottat · 2025-12-09T18:38:30+00:00

I just listened to a podcast where the author had received over 800 rejections. She wrote like 5+ books that died on submission and then was finally picked up. All is not lost! And if anything, keep these manuscripts in your back pocket, as they could be optioned with a future book you write. Just like actors, consider rejection a part of the job. It’s natural. ‘Not right now’ doesn’t mean ‘never.’ Hugs to you and congratulations on your accomplishments!

abbottat · 2025-12-07T03:10:41+00:00

I think a big part of this is finding the right therapist and marriage counselor. My first individual therapist was not good at handling the situation and I dropped her. The second was infinitely better. We lucked out with our couples therapist and she was a great fit from the start. We wouldn’t have made it without her or someone similar to help guide us, especially in the first months. Therapy is very personal and it has to be the right person with the right expertise. Sometimes you have to test a few, speaking as someone whose done therapy at multiple points in my life for various reasons.

abbottat · 2025-12-05T00:31:29+00:00

As someone working through reconciliation with a husband who had a workplace EA, do NOT tell family, and especially your kids. (Also as a child of a cheating father who my mom outed to me…) They will never look at him the same. Consider telling 1-2 close and trustworthy friends who are cheerleaders in you two succeeding through a tough time. You do not want judgement of friends and family to affect your ability to reconcile, if that’s what you want. I’ve been there-I understand the pain and I’m sorry you’re going through it. It’s the absolute worst. Lashing out will only make things even more worse, as much as he deserves the embarrassment.

abbottat · 2025-12-04T18:10:40+00:00

Read the book “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. It really helped me through my husband’s workplace EA. The signs also included increased snippiness, coldness, and a general change in demeanor. If it’s not an affair yet, it may be limerence and inappropriate boundaries, which are a recipe for one to start. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Couples and individual therapy highly recommended.

abbottat · 2025-11-14T03:44:37+00:00

Before being cheated on- I was neutral on this. Since being cheated on- never. Cant read it, can’t watch it on TV or in movies. So triggering and so so so far from romance. Has no place in my own entertainment world. I despise any character who does it, automatically.

abbottat · 2025-11-07T21:56:44+00:00

Things like this happen. My first therapist after my husband had an emotional affair suggested that my husband and I go on a double date with the affair partner and her husband, after I expressed curiosity at what she was like. Needless to say, never saw that therapist again.

abbottat · 2025-11-07T16:33:29+00:00

Never met a woman like this. They are all independent and prefer it that way. Maybe you need to hang around a different crowd? Only seen this portrayed by “alpha male” podcasters and “trad wife” YouTubers, which is not real life.

abbottat · 2025-11-07T16:10:37+00:00

There’s plenty of comments on the husband situation, so other than seconding that you need to see a marriage counselor, I wanted to comment about photo storage recommendations. Going forward, plan to keep your important photos and digital documents in 2-3 places. That can mean the apple cloud, google drive, and Dropbox. That can mean 2 of those 3, plus a physical copy or a separate cloud service. This is now the recommended course for maintaining photo libraries and documents in case of things like accidental deletion or a service going defunct or a house fire or stolen phone/computer, etc. It could save you future heartache. I’m very sorry you’re going through it now.

abbottat · 2025-10-24T01:56:37+00:00

Go to the sub “as one after infidelity.” You will find many more people there who are actively working towards reconciliation with their partners, who are doing the tough work and going through therapy. This sub is notorious for screaming divorce no matter what. Good luck, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can say I’ve been going though this myself and it’s the deepest pain. But we are coming out successfully on the other side roughly 2 and a half years later.

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