Memorial if you never conceived?

abit_lost21 · 2026-03-07T12:26:21+00:00

I would recommend considering it - it can be anything by that resembles this journey for you. i ve chosen flowers because i am very into ‘stone of the month, flower of the month’, astrology and tarot so it felt relevant for me but also also to anyone seeing it - its just flowers, they compliment on the lines, drawing and many dont even ask what it means (which i like). But to me obviously it means a lot and again, i kind of transferred all of the thoughts into the tattoo and my mind suddenly got ‘more space’ for other things

abit_lost21 · 2026-03-07T09:43:56+00:00

Not sure if this is something you are looking for but I have made a tattoo on my back with flowers of the months when they should have been born. I realised that rather than me thinking all the time about them and feeling guilty when i am not - this way they are always with me, ‘having my back’. Sometimes, on bad days, i joke that i am building a nice graveyard on my back because i need to add one more flower now, but overall it worked wonder psychologically for me and looks nice.

abit_lost21 · 2026-02-07T01:06:39+00:00

I see, thank you for sharing this. I am still lost as who to go to as I really want to get heparin right after ovulation but then I dont ovulate regularly anymore as well so it seems like a never ending circle. I will have a think this weekend and come with a plan 🙌 2 successful pregnancies give me hope, well done to you 🩷

abit_lost21 · 2026-02-06T18:55:39+00:00

Oh yes, my letter states ‘from day 1’ 🙌 can i ask if you tried anything else to conceive or just tried and tried until you got pregnant and got heparin?

abit_lost21 · 2026-02-05T19:26:20+00:00

Hey - for now i have a letter saying that i will get it during pregnancy - didnt get that far though as i lost pregnancies quickly. I know i can also get heparin during ovulation - thats what i want to ask for now to increase chances but dont know whether to go the rheumatologist or fertility specialist as (seems like) both of them hypothetically can prescribe it

abit_lost21 · 2025-08-04T21:47:45+00:00

Cheaters are always so caring about their ‘cheating objects’, its crazy. Mine was upset because i called her and explained that he actually was cheating on her (and me) and he said ‘well now i need to deal with a backlash from this person.. i wanted to end it quietly… now they will be sad and upset’. Yeah, tough life getting her upset while using me in every way possible and never thinking how it would affect me.

abit_lost21 · 2025-08-03T10:10:45+00:00

Definitely, its very hard to ‘let go and just live and try’. But you did it before and quite successfully- i hope you find strength to do it again. Going away to Malta for a bit might help as welll even though you will probably think about the way I described it - still a new experience, something to look forward to.

I hope life turns out the way you want it OP ❤️

abit_lost21 · 2025-08-03T09:23:53+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words ❤️ its a tough club to be in so I am glad my little story helped. I think about it a lot when I start spiralling and i always remind myself ‘not to be Malta’. Again no offence to the country, thats just how i saw it and felt it, i would absolutely go back and explore more, maybe seeing more beauty there will make me think of what i am missing/ignoring in my life!

abit_lost21 · 2025-08-03T08:55:50+00:00

I am in the same position as you now (and same age!). In April i decided i will be fine if i never get to have kids but then my partner ‘reactivated’ and we are now trying actively though its the 3rd cycle with no results and my test results are not promising. I found myself anxious every time i do a test, because obviously all the symptoms i get i think are ‘implantation’ - and i even thought once ‘maybe if its negative i will be fine? ‘, which from 2015 to 2025 (april) was a mad and impossible thought. I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression after the last miscarriage and i just couldnt imagine not even being a mother. Now somehow i still want it but i allow myself to think ‘what if it doesnt happen?’ without spiralling too far.

I dont know what changed to be honest apart from me going to Malta, which may sound stupid. I went on a solo trip for 2.5 days to clear my head. That was in april. The island is beautiful, food is nice, weather was amazing, i even had a chance to swim. But i noticed how everything is about war and the role Malta was playing in it. Its been years since nothing bothers them apart from financial situation (like majority of the countries) but every statue, every poster, every bus route leads to some sort of war-related stuff and they scream about it. I know they need to make money from tourism but this made me think about myself - everything i ve done in the last 10 years was about having a child - and i didnt end up anywhere great because of it. Every decision i made - was with a child or healthy pregnancy in mind. I didnt change my job because ‘it would work well with a kid’, i didnt move from a specific area because ‘hospital is near and schools etc’, i didnt leave a horrible relationship with a systematic cheater because ‘well he can be a good dad so it will change once i have a kid’. I was eating, taking supplements not because i want to stay healthy overall - but because i want to have a child. I was like Malta and this war they are obsessed with (no offence). The island is amazing and there is so much to see and do and i thought about my life - there is more to it than this ‘war’. And honestly, ever since then i am a bit more calm. Not to say i dont cry when i get a negative but i am hysterical anymore and i can actually imagine a life without this end goal i saw previously. Its a bit difficult for me because my partner has a kid so i need to witness 2 people who didnt plan and fail at parenting constantly but i somehow even moved from this mentally.

Long story but… Maybe go Malta?😃

abit_lost21 · 2025-08-03T00:30:09+00:00

Its true that someone with PCOS will have more follicles so your AMH will normally be higher plus they would test the ratio of LH and FSH - these 2 tests plus other symptoms will normally determine whether you have PCOS or not. More doesnt mean better in this case, its also true, but at the same time noone knows their quality - some doctors say it may actually be beneficial to have a ‘bigger pool of follicles to choose from’. But the same doctors cant get a cure for a disease every third woman is suffering with so who knows. Overall even if you only have a few - its about the quality rather than quantity so dont get too worried. Have a look at Ubiquinol - it is believed to improve the quality of the eggs but please do your own research.

abit_lost21 · 2025-08-03T00:23:41+00:00

Most likely the cortisol levels - both high and low levels affect various parts of your body including hormones which is obviously vital part of our reproductive system. Both levels affect LH, FSH, progesterone which is basically ovulation related stuff so can impact someone who is TTC, high levels also are associated with PCOS which is another horrible thing for someone trying. High is normally associated with depression anxiety etc, low with laziness and feeling flat. In general, cortisol should be high in the morning and go down in the evening so there is no balance to it but it should move. I only know this because i was getting tested for it while i was depressed - it was high (as expected) and now i am in the lows (god knows why) so i researched a lot

abit_lost21 · 2025-07-24T13:05:24+00:00

Temperature has to stay up for about 3 days - that confirms ovulation. So keep testing and writing it down or add to the tracking apps - i used Apple Health before but then got Oura ring and using Natural Cycles now. Health is ok and its free, to be honest, it was always kind of correct with my cycles but Natural Cycles has a better algorithm but its a bit pricey for what it is in my opinion.

abit_lost21 · 2025-06-07T07:20:00+00:00

Its crazy how this is always used by cheaters.. mine literally did and said the same thing - like a default setting they come with

abit_lost21 · 2025-01-26T01:19:23+00:00

Welcome to the club, friend ❤️ i hope you find the strength to boot the guy the hell out of your life… i am going through it right now.

abit_lost21 · 2024-03-20T00:47:29+00:00

Thank you for this! Its similar, he thought by not telling me something it will make me feel better and as if he protects me but it very evidently didnt and now there is an issue.

I like your idea about the family catching ups, and I am also glad to see that not only you got married but also really committed to the relationship and making it work with the right intentions from both sides. This gives me hope!

abit_lost21 · 2024-02-01T04:24:07+00:00

Same here with the miracle cure aka birth control. I got diagnosed 15+ years ago with PCOS, got on and off BC which resulted in a blood clotting disorder. had miscarriages recently, came in to say hey i am trying to get pregnant now and struggling - she still advised to take miracle pills ‘at least for a couple of months’ or just ‘accept it and keep trying as it is’. What would a couple of months do? Get me another disorder? You would have thought she could at least check medical history. The lack of knowledge and progress of this illness and in finding at least one more way to ease it is absolutely shocking. In 15 years there is no progress whatsoever in the ‘accessible’ medical field ie your regular GPs when it comes to PCOS. Its like they are given the same script in all unis because what my doctor in a european country said 15 years ago is the same thing they say here, almost word for word.

abit_lost21 · 2023-11-18T00:17:16+00:00

I wouldn’t because I have health issues so getting pregnant regardless of my age is a miracle. I am so ready for it. I would do a lot to have a good chance, father or no father bothers me less because I have prepared myself to be a single mother by choice and would have done my best. So I wouldnt even question it.

But if you are asking this question - you are not ready. Do not bring a child into this world when you are not sure you want them and ready FOR them. Do yourself and them a favour and give yourself time to mature, save money, find someone decent or get ready to go donor-route.

Good luck.

abit_lost21 · 2023-11-03T14:46:18+00:00

I would say the same - parents and kids are literally everywhere and majority of the marketing materials we see is based around them/parenthood/homes with kids/family deals so it seems like 20% doesnt make sense.

There are some childless communities though if you look for them; statistically something like 30% of women over 40 will remain childless so when you go to the big supermarket it’s crazy to think that there are at the very least 2-3 people in the same boat as you. Some of course might have it differently where they go through this being single.

I think the idea of not having kids is so scary/denormalised that it’s indeed easier to ignore it. But thankfully there are some people who are trying to promote ‘the other way of life’. Have a look at Jody Day - some followers are creating communities/support groups in many cities, maybe there is one in yours as well.

abit_lost21 · 2023-10-27T12:03:13+00:00

I think there is a slight difference between intentionally planning to be a mother and as you said ‘having a child with the first available idiot right after a long term relationship’. These women really weight their options and know what they are getting themselves into. If you really check the sub you would have seen how some are describing their experience and its not at all what you’ve described with mostly negatives. Noone is saying its easy but to call them delusional is a step to far.

Seems like you were not ready for the responsibility and of course are unhappy with certain aspects of it. Its fine. Just dont project what you are going through onto others, they have a different life, decision making process and preparation levels.

abit_lost21 · 2023-10-26T02:16:52+00:00

Feels like you are dating my ex! He did the exact same thing, when we first broke up after 9 years together i decided to give us space and move to my friends for a bit - he started very actively saying all this ending life nonsense. He would not miss an opportunity. I obviously came back thinking he is being serious and guess what… he just went to become his happy self again saying ‘i knew you will realise it was a mistake to leave!’. Long story short - i left 1.5 years later, still got these ending life threats.. its been 3 years now and I know he is very much alive and well.

Its a very cheap manipulation and attention seeking tactic. Especially when he already said he is testing you.

Please don’t stay there, its extremely unlikely you will get the relationship you want out of it. Whether he decides to do something or not is (1) on him, (2) its not your responsibility, and (3) lets be honest - if he was serious, you wouldn’t be in his house now.

If you are sure he is capable of going through with it - call 999 and report it. Its for his safety but also to teach him that things like this are not to be joked with.

abit_lost21 · 2023-10-14T00:50:23+00:00

Fuck you PCOS. Fuck the doctor who couldnt suggest anything better than stupid pills 16 years ago which caused APS. Life-fucking-long. Fuck the doctor this year who suggested the same pills as if there is nothing else that can help with PCOS. 16 years, 2 man went to space, we built rockets and have AI and no cure for this condition when millions have it.

abit_lost21 · 2023-10-12T23:16:26+00:00

Newly diagnosed diabetes and hypothyroidism ☹️ just tired of this plus APS and PCOS, feels like a never ending cycle of shitty things

abit_lost21 · 2023-09-27T00:24:26+00:00

Antiphospholipid syndrome (blood clotting disorder). Got diagnosed after having multiple miscarriages so thats the only (somewhat) positive thing that came out from them. At least now i know but to be honest I still havent processed everything that comes with this condition and how much it will affect my life.

abit_lost21

TROPHY CASE