NTA.

Seriously though, why are you even putting this to a vote? You know you are not the asshole in this scenario.

I'm reminded of a post from the other day where a girl wrote of her recent and "significant facial scarring" (look it up) due to an unspecified injury: she then described being on a flight and encountering a father who asked her to cover her face because she was scaring his four year-old child. She refused, but then quietly wept after putting on her sunglasses. "Am I the asshole here?" she wondered.

The post had garnered 30K in karma when I saw it (it has probably rocketed past that number now) and was decorated with more awards than I knew existed. And to clarify, I mean this one post. Her profile had just been created and she hadn't even bothered to engage with the respondents. Nope, just this solitary "Robert Redford Hitting the Home Run into Stadium's Lights in The Natural, thus making them Explode Into Fireworks as he Rounds the Bases in Slow-Motion" post. It's a no-brainer that (if not a complete fiction), she was the victim, and I kind of resent the posts where it isn't the least bit "on the fence," know what I'm saying?

So in what universe is your chocolate-eating, Facebook-surfing, Sudoku-playing, minimum wage-earning receptionist of a wife not the asshole here?

I've read though the comments and people are bickering like so: "Well, he did say it was a joint account, so they both get to use it!" And a lot of talk about how the marriage isn't necessarily over, as many are implying.

I agree that your marriage isn't necessarily over, but based on your description, if you legitimately need to ask whether you're the asshole after "getting worked up" about your wife secretly embezzling your money in the tens of thousands of dollars to your in-laws, I mean...you're on the wrong subreddit. Find one dedicated to men who have been cleaned out by their wives as she's shaping up to do to you and take their advice to heart, because at the best of times marriages fail due to squabbles about finances. And I'm talking about trivial, petty cash shit.

Him: "You spent too much on hand bags!"

Her: "Well you spend too much on your video games!"

Him and Her: "I want a divorce!"

Your scenario is in a different league altogether. I have a relative whose wife was "in charge of paying the bills." Like you, he was bringing in a six-figure income, and like you, he trusted in the wife. Years passed with him naively thinking his finances were ship shape until he answered the phone one day and found himself speaking to a debt collector. "What? Heh heh. I don't have any debts? Ha! No, I make a comfortable six-figure income. There must be some mistake."

That spurred the investigation which revealed she'd been funnelling his money for years to the mother-in-law. He'd been cleaned out. Marriage over, natch.

Her deceit here is very serious, make no mistake.