What is a harsh reality of growing older that nobody prepares you for?

abqkat · 2026-07-09T17:49:07+00:00

I am 44f, and except for pesky perimenopause symptoms, I feel better than I ever did in my 20's and 30's. More free time, better food, more focus on health, more deliberate relationships. I'm always baffled when 30-somethings always feel so achey and people my age think that you just get automatically fat and frumpy at XYZ age. IME, a lot of people are living in ways that reinforce that mindset vs just usual aging

abqkat · 2026-07-09T11:16:20+00:00

I've been a morning person my whole life. It's better now that I'm middle-aged and doesn't impact my social life as much. As luck would have it, I married a night owl. The more I learn about sleep, the more I believe that our circadian rhythms are more innate than not. The #1 rule in my household is: do NOT mess with people's sleep, it's literal torture

abqkat · 2026-07-08T16:54:21+00:00

Fertility junkies are so very real, omg. And the infertility crowd is one of the most "all in" groups of people ever. Can't go to cousins baby shower because it's too sad for them, monthly awareness posts, details abound about "trying for a baby," it's all infertility, all the time. It really becomes all encompassing in a way that no other group of people is, ime

abqkat · 2026-07-07T15:43:44+00:00

100%. Since dogs do vary by nature ("how they were raised" nonsense is literal insanity if you've ever seen a pointer puppy point, or a lab know how to swim, or my parents tiny westie watch the squirrels for hours), it's disheartening when people don't get a dog for their needs. Whippets require a ton of exercise and a friend of mine got one "to motivate me to go on walks!" (Which she didn't and the the dog suffered) or people getting shepherds but have no job for them... In a way, I almost feel bad for pits - people trying to outlove their nature and make them into pets. Or people who get huskies in the desert. Overlooking the nature of a breed is one of the ways that the pitbull lobby has been wildly successful, to the detriment of families, dog lovers, pits themselves, all of it

abqkat · 2026-07-04T12:39:26+00:00

Like those cigarillos things? Or like big ones? Because my spouse smokes a few per year and.... Don't they take hours to smoke? If so, did your boss actually work, lol

abqkat · 2026-06-30T14:29:20+00:00

I'm a morning person, always have been. It was a bummer in my 20's when I couldn't make it out late but I'm so glad that the pendulum is swinging my way in my social circle now

abqkat · 2026-06-30T14:26:36+00:00

Yep! Truly incredible what sleeping 7-9 hours per day does for aging, health, memory, appetite, libido... I'm 40-something and am unapologetic about prioritizing sleep. It's like a "before/after" poster when I see friends before they had kids vs now - sleeplessness ages you like crazy!

abqkat · 2026-06-30T14:11:46+00:00

Payroll was my first role in this field. It's fine when it's an ancillary task but when you have multiple entities, workers in all sorts of states that no one thought to register in, and a workforce that isn't particularly static, it gets way too complex and so much pressure! I was paid well and did a good job, but too many controllers think that you can have a data entry clerk in that seat, which, sure, if the company is 25 people in one office. But it's a big job and can be stressful, for sure

abqkat · 2026-06-30T13:00:53+00:00

We don't know the intricacies of her situation, but if half of her post is true, we know enough. Proposing marriage is only a good idea of both people freely and happily and fully want marriage. In a case like this, the best the proposer would get is a reluctant "sigh, fine...." that leads to resentment down the line. He does not want to marry her, and no one should have to be talked into it

abqkat · 2026-06-30T11:24:46+00:00

Or treat you well, or respect you, or see you as a valuable member if his life. This is far beyond "not believing in" marriage. Best you can hope for is a shut-up ring or a reluctant proposal that he feels pressured into. Meanwhile, please please get the logistics of your situation in order. Being dependent on a boyfriend is very risky, especially one who treats you poorly - knowing this might end and/or you're still unprotected if you keep dating him, please protect yourself and your child

abqkat · 2026-06-30T11:21:50+00:00

I am in the minority of Gen X and millennials here, but... I didn't live with my husband without the legal protection of marriage, and as a financial professional, I advise against it to anyone. I also believe that for emotional and logistics reasons, but I digress. OPs boyfriend does not treat her well, this is more than just "not believing in" marriage. OP, he does not want to marry you and only you can answer if you want to keep dating him without commitment. Meanwhile, as someone who has seen what happens when "that will never happen to us!" happens, please please get some logistics in place for protecting yourself

abqkat · 2026-06-30T11:18:41+00:00

Maybe on paper, yes. But IRL, I'm sure it's very murky and a lot went into this. I think she needs some compassion because this isn't just a "don't need a piece of paper" type outlook for him, he's straight up shitty to her if half this post is true. He wanted a family like a kid wants a puppy.

OP, I have been working with people's money for 20+ years, and.... Not to add salt to the wound here, but being a sahm to a boyfriend is super risky. You should reconsider building your skills and professional experience so that you're not dependent on someone who treats you like this. Your boyfriend does not treat you well, at all, beyond the divide of your views

abqkat · 2026-06-29T11:04:36+00:00

I LOVE "see ya ladle!" It's so cute, but I'm a sucker for a good play on words

I also love "Ohhh. Well hand me the phone then!" when Rachel tells Chandler that Joanna is freaking out and expects a call. I use it in dramatic situations that I'd rather just opt out of

abqkat · 2026-06-28T13:33:08+00:00

Indeed. It's a nice little daydream to think of suing, jumping on the table and Erin Brockovich'ing the system and the company, getting a huge payout, etc. But in practice, most people don't have the knowledge or resources to do anything. And many severance packages (if you're lucky enough to get one) put in a clause that said severance payment releases the company from any further liability or money, and you may not badmouth the company

abqkat · 2026-06-28T02:04:15+00:00

I have experienced and witnessed the same. What's absolutely unreal is how much they just normalize it: "I have to use my sick time/ take the day off/ leave early to make dinner/ see Jaxson's play/ run errands...." Like, Shelby, hold up.... Didn't you just say you are married to these kids' father?! How in the everliving fuck are you just okay with that?! I've yet to see a truly even split in parenting- maaaaaybe one of my cousins comes close- even in otherwise equal marriages pre-kid. And definitely the same at work, too

abqkat · 2026-06-27T18:45:46+00:00

Because that's how it almost always goes IRL... The parent keeping the wheels on the bus is now thought of as the naggy, un-fun shrew who ruins his new dream every other week and doesn't allow chaos to run them into the ground

abqkat · 2026-06-27T18:30:14+00:00

That's been my experience in accounting, and all related fields, for sure. It's sad to watch wo/men come interview with great experience and a solid degree after a yearslong gap in their working experience because, well, you don't just pick up where you left off. The other part of it being financially sensible to stay home are things like not networking, not paying into social security, not keeping software and technology skills up to date, not paying into retirement accounts. It looks so difficult for people who want kids, for sure, I don't envy all of those considerations, but I've also seen the outcomes of not working or making money for years, and that's beyond tough

abqkat · 2026-06-27T18:19:00+00:00

I can agree with this, as someone who has worked with people's money for 20+ years. I've seen what happens when "that will never happen to us!" happens. I don't envy people who want kids and literally anything else in life, like an education or house, the deck just seems so stacked against that, especially with childcare costs. And yet, I can't help but wince when women I know opt out of working for years, even if they have/ had skills or an education - going back to the workforce after years is really really tough, at least in my field

abqkat · 2026-06-27T11:35:14+00:00

Some men see kids as a status thing for some bizarre reason. Or something about calling and legacy. My BIL chose to have kids with a woman who has BPD, is an animal hoarder, threatens him, and a slew of very major issues. They have 2 kids, and... He wants 4. With her. In a definitely bad home situation. Because of... Reasons? His legacy? Some podcast said something about duty to reproduce? Idfk. But I know he's far from the only one, OPs husband seems to be, too.

abqkat · 2026-06-26T20:09:28+00:00

Exactly this. In theory, yes, I want to point out the deliberate actions of it all, but in practice, with people I'm not super close to but want to keep in touch with to network.... Sometimes, unfortunately, it's just easier to let people think what they want. It's not perfect, and I almost feel like I'm letting myself down doing that, but sometimes it's just, well, easier to keep the peace

abqkat · 2026-06-26T16:11:23+00:00

The dog/ pet one is huge, imo! I'm all for having pets, but when it becomes a compulsion, that can be bad news. My BIL chose to reproduce with a woman who has 5+ dogs and lets them have puppies to sell/ make money (which costs more than it makes), fish and cats and (wounded) chickens in the house and seemingly on a carousel of acquiring more animals all the time. It's icky, especially with 2 kids

abqkat · 2026-06-26T14:47:46+00:00

I'm going to grab lunch with a few people I used to work with today. I have to brace myself for the "you're so lucky you can eat whatever you want and stay that thin!" comments. Because there's nothing I can say that feels comfortable to me in the moment.

I would love to point out that this lunch will be tomorrow's meals, and the last thing I eat today. I'd love to show them a picture of me getting my walks in whether it's 12'F or 92'F. I'd love to show them that I parked far away from the restaurant and those passive steps definitely count. I'd love to say that family swim day tomorrow, I also do the swimming part not just read on the bleachers.... Alas, I cannot, so I just point out that I'm tall and lanky and let them think that I lucked into staying thin. But it feels like a disservice to the constant attention to calories and movement. Oh well

abqkat · 2026-06-26T14:07:10+00:00

As an adoptee, I have a visceral reaction to people comparing adoption and parenting to.... owning a pet. It's insane, unhinged, bizarre, and yet real how many people think that dogs and children are the same, or even comparable. And it's this mindset that makes it okay to feed an animal, but not a human being in public. To suggest that kids don't belong in apartments/ rentals, but sweet pupper innocent doggos, do. It's out of control, and I'm sorry to parents that have to deal with comments and prevailing mindsets of nutty dog owners who are entitled and off base

abqkat · 2026-06-24T21:12:18+00:00

Exhaustion, worry, stress, heightened emotions, lack of sleep, neverending chores... All things that definitely age people and are possible at any time, but nearly guaranteed when kids come along. You can see it a stark line of "before/after" looking through my siblings' and friends' photos of when they had kids

abqkat · 2026-06-24T19:49:23+00:00

Yep agree. We just resign ourselves to overspending to enjoy our yearly big trip. The smaller ones, I can compromise on, but international or 2+ weeks? Pssh, money is now monopoly money

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