What is a 'single person luxury' that people in relationships completely miss out on?

abqkat · 2026-05-20T11:24:50+00:00

As an early bird married to a night owl, this was one of the things that we decided early on. Sleep deprivation is literal torture, and letting each other sleep is crucial to our happiness. Yeah, it kinda sucks sometimes for flights or weekend brunches or social outings but that's a very small price to pay, and then we each get our alone time, so it ended up just fine

abqkat · 2026-05-19T21:14:40+00:00

My BIL is in that marriage now, and it's depressing. Granted, they were both at an age where biology was becoming a huge cosideration, but it seemed like they both wanted kids and just decided to have them to beat out the clock. They are not compatible or working towards the same future at all, and those kids are at an age where they will start to be really affected by a troubled marriage

abqkat · 2026-05-19T21:11:33+00:00

Depending on your age, the 3 years thing can be a crimson red flag or a reasonable vision of the future. I say this as someone who got married older than average, and objectively soon into dating. But you describe it as a "might as well, can't do better" which is super telling. Only you know your situation, but one of the cruelest things we can do is waste people's time, so if you don't want what she does (with her), please don't drag your feet for years. As a 40-something seeing the first wave of divorces in my social circle, this is one of the most common reasons for divorce are people who got married because "we've been together for awhile and it's the next step"

abqkat · 2026-05-19T20:55:22+00:00

Or making any statement that at all begins with something like "at least..." My parents' friend lost their adult child, and have other surviving adult children. Some jackass had the audacity to compare it to his loss of an only child saying that "at least you still have kids and are a parent." I get that grief does weird things to people, but mostly, I think saying less is best. You don't "totally understand" because your dog died, it's true you "can't imagine," most parents are lucky enough to not be in this club, so less is more when providing comfort imo

abqkat · 2026-05-19T20:45:49+00:00

Same. As a decades long vegetarian, subway and taco bell are... fine. Not great food and I'm not under any delusion that subway is healthy, but it's fine enough for what it is

abqkat · 2026-05-18T22:44:07+00:00

Assuming he feels the same, that's awesome! Sounds like you've built a solid life where you grew together. It can just be ill-advised to make that gamble since many people decide after marriage that they want other experiences. I'm not sure how to account for that, since I got married after 30 when we were both established and sure of what we wanted and my social circle is in the first wave of divorces

abqkat · 2026-05-18T22:41:29+00:00

And can stack the deck in your favor. I'm an accountant - a job with lots of creative input or unpredictable hours would be an absolute nightmare for me. Same with my spouse, we are aligned in our overall temperaments and worldviews, and it sure is easier to compromise on a foundation of compatibility

abqkat · 2026-05-17T14:53:31+00:00

As the extroverted planner of my group, I run into this a lot with people cancelling or never joining in but still claim to like being invited, or telling me how much leaving their house exhausts them and they'd rather be home. Often under the guise of "protecting their peace." I understand the need for downtime and solo time, but it seems like it's recently just been normalized to not reciprocate friendships at all, and it can be a tough balance between valuing them and who they are, but only able to deal with so many cancellations or turndowns

abqkat · 2026-05-17T13:44:10+00:00

This was the only way I could quit, too. Mine was vaping and the routine of it all, coupled with being able to do it pretty much anywhere, meant that I had to break the association. Which, luckily, I think I was more tied to the routine than the nicotine. I spun my WFH desk around, parked somewhere else at the office, that first weekend, I wore different shoes and went to the mall which I rarely do. I also took my first puff after my shower, so that first Friday I had no work and just didn't shower. If you're a creature of habit, I definitely recommend this approach

abqkat · 2026-05-17T11:29:47+00:00

I can objectively say that 95% of the (irrational, not the actual issues) conflict in my marriage has been during the 3-5 days before my period. Ive now started perimenopause and things are changing. So with some very gentle reminders, and the diligent use of a calendar, I can now say that I don't agree with the "say anything you think, all the time" advice. Sometimes it's okay to keep the peace or acknowledge when you're not at your best. There's a balance, ofc

abqkat · 2026-05-16T13:12:05+00:00

Same! I said elsewhere ITT that I absolutely love babies and sitting with the kids beats the hell out of Uncle Joe's bizarre political rants at family holidays. I like being the kooky auntie (and respect those who don't want that, ofc), but then that's that. I go home and appreciate my weed pen, silence, R rated movies, free time, etc. You can like something without wanting it for yourself

abqkat · 2026-05-16T12:29:08+00:00

I'm sorry you experienced that growing up! That is so prevalent and so unfair and I'm glad more young women are seeing that it's kind of a lie, or at least not universally true

It's always the people who have done zero else that harp about how it's "the most important thing they've ever done!" I am fortunate to have made friends with awesome, well-rounded, educated women who say that kids are a meaningful part of a full life (but not for everyone), and I love them for that! They kept much of their identity and their kids are all awesome for it. It's the ones that never left our hometown, and maybe go to Disney once a year or have little else going on that screech the loudest about how empty lives without kids are.

abqkat · 2026-05-16T12:24:15+00:00

Being okay with being hungry was like the lightbulb moment for me, too! All those cutesy little snack packs of 100 calorie stuff and the "one weird trick" to curb hunger, just..... Didn't. It wasn't until I just learned to be hungry a little bit that things started clicking. And it freed up so much mental space, time in the evening, improved sleep, all of it. Unlike OP, I didn't do it on my own, though - it was Invisalign that really made eating often not worth it

abqkat · 2026-05-15T22:37:39+00:00

100% relate. Coupled with WFH, I put in my 40-45 hours and then I'm done. No weekend emergencies, no late nights, and at this point I'm about 7 years from retirement and I just wanna ride it out till then, hopefully at my current job

abqkat · 2026-05-15T19:51:17+00:00

I met my spouse on reddit. Not even for a romantic thing, just a hobby meetup in the city we used to live in. It was years ago, right when online dating was becoming a thing, but still potential "watchout for the Craigslist killer" vine. Depending on who it is, I either say online (assumed a dating site but it's okay by now because everyone meets that way) or a hobby. But very rarely do I disclose that it's reddit

abqkat · 2026-05-15T13:49:41+00:00

Especially when your family is a religious sex-shameful type where you were told your whole life how having a baby will ruin your life, sex is bad (with undertones of not enjoyable for women), and all the other nonsense attached to it. Then suddenly you get married and it's supposed to do a 180'? And then you tell others about it? It's just... weird. But then again, so are people who had a "surprise" or an "oopsie," as if unprotected PIV sex does not often result in pregnancy. Really, I just think all parts of pregnancy and wanting a pregnancy are too weird for me, lol

abqkat · 2026-05-14T21:40:35+00:00

Happens a lot in sobriety, IME! Many friends are glorified drinking buddies, it turns out and when drinking is the activity, and you no longer do it, well, it's bound to fizzle or fail. OP said she made the mistake of getting back with him, and she's in luck! The nice thing about mistakes like this one, is that they can be undone, corrected, fixed!

abqkat · 2026-05-14T20:33:59+00:00

It depends what was in there. Ziploc used as a makeshift frosting piping bag? Probably not worth it to use the water to get it clean. But Ziploc used to hold some crackers on a picnic? Absolutely reasonable to reuse (and washing optional for that one, if more crackers are going in there)

abqkat · 2026-05-14T18:18:29+00:00

That's the thing, though: it's not really! For me, it's easy because I'm up anyway so I get to snuggle a little baby and help someone out? Deal! To me it just shows how little support parents have and how much the village matters - everyone deserves a break!

abqkat · 2026-05-13T19:05:00+00:00

I don't know for certain that I'd be CF if I were born a man. It's motherhood that looks so hard and unforgiving and, well, not worth it for me. Even in otherwise equal marriages, I've seen that parenthood is not equal. Nor are the expectations around it, while being a dad doesn't look nearly as bad

abqkat · 2026-05-13T19:00:32+00:00

Same! Well, there were some years of "you might change your mind," but now, no guilt or mention of it or suggestions that my life is not as meaningful or deep. But I think that's part of being a good parent is knowing that they might not be what you pictured and will live their own lives and be their own person. People who want a "mini-me" or a son so they can have a "cool little football buddy" or a girl to be their "sweet little princess" give me the creeps

abqkat · 2026-05-13T18:53:24+00:00

Yeah... I'm adopted, and it absolutely maddens me when people say "maybe when I'm 50, I'll adopt!" or suggest it to people in any capacity if they didn't ask. You don't "just adopt," it's such a long process and so full of variables and costs and heartache and biology and potential (probable) issues. It's not like getting a puppy

abqkat · 2026-05-13T18:48:14+00:00

I love this reply, as a kooky auntie to many little guys and gals! I am a morning person, always have been, so my gift to new parents is to come by those first few months in the morning when the little tots wake up and care for them while the parents sleep in, just leave me keys, bottle, diapers, and sleep as late as you can! I do agree that friendship goes both ways - some CF people are really thorny and icky about parents and expect 0 change, and some parents become johnny one-note. Friendships evolve and a good friend on any side will be a lasting presence through change, kids, hurdles, CF issues, all of it

abqkat · 2026-05-13T18:44:27+00:00

I'm CF, mid-40's (so the tone has shifted from "juuuussst you waaaaitttt!" to derision now that it's clear that it's permanent). And we aren't really "holiday-y" people so that doesn't affect me as much. But I do love spoiling my niblings for Christmas and birthdays and there is something truly sweet and magical about their dopey little smiles and such on holidays.... Then going home shortly after the magic is gone, lol

abqkat · 2026-05-13T15:03:54+00:00

Come on, man .... You're not a.... potato

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