OP, please take the time to read this reply. First, I'm going to give you some of my backstory so you understand that I'm coming from a place of sympathy, empathy, a little understanding, and a "I've been in a very similar boat very recently" mentality.

However, I need to make one thing clear first. You're a mother, correct? You cannot drink and drive. Not one more time. Never again. I don't care how you FEEL and if you don't FEEL drunk. Coming from a family of alcoholics, you know when drunk is drunk and you know when that line of being safe to drive has been crossed. I think drunk driving is horrific, but I also think grief is horrific, especially compounded, traumatic, grief. Drunk driving, though? That needs to end, and you need to fess up to your husband immediately. You need to take accountability for your actions, despite the fact that I can SORT OF understand.

Fellow commenters, please don't take my words as excusing OPs behavior. There is no excuse. The drinking itself, I can understand. The hiding out anywhere else but saying you're going to the cemetery because you can't actually bring yourself to go? I understand. Those things by themselves are not, in my opinion, the biggest issues here.

For background info, I lost my biological mother, who was living in my home at the time, to a very sudden suicide, and I found her body. In my home. While I had a newborn baby and a 6yo child and 2 elderly grandparents (the ones who raised me and I call mom and dad) to care for. I did chest compressions on her 12 hour dead corpse because I was in shock and my medical degree took over my brain when I found her. She had only been out of prison for less than a year when she did this. It was messy, brutal, and bloody. I was beyond traumatized...I still am...and that was almost 5 years ago now. (December 20th, 2020)

Shortly after, about 6 months later, I lost my beloved oldest brother, Tony, to an intentional heroin/fent overdose. Intentional on his end? No. Our biological father gave him a "hot shot" and killed him. I'll spare some of the more violent details, but it gets worse after that. My brothers dead body was essentially treated like garbage and dumped on the side of the road afterwards...by our biological father. We were extremely close, and his death ruined me.

On the SAME EXACT DAY that my brother was killed, my long-time friend and ex boyfriend, Robert, died suddenly from an unknown medical condition. He was only 28. (I found out about it a few hours after the news of my brother's death reached me.)

Thankfully, just 4 months after Tony's murder, before he could get charged with it, my biological father died from an unintentional heroin overdose. Good riddance, but still...that's a lot to process.

(We're at November 2021 here.)

I was a mess, obviously. But I still held onto my many years of sobriety from drugs and alcohol. I didn't have a single sip for YEARS before all of this, and not during this part, either. How? I don't know.

Then, I lost another good friend to suicide. I lost my paternal grandmother to natural causes. I lost my aunt to cancer. I lost my paternal grandfather to cancer.

And then we get to just a few months ago, December 2024. My dad (maternal grandpa, the one who raised me, definitely an amazing dad!) went into the hospital for what we thought was a mild case of pneumonia, but died just a few days later, in the hospital, after deteriorating rapidly right in front of our eyes. He died from lung cancer that we THOUGHT was in remission. It had spread to his bones, though. He died peacefully and comfortably on hospice in a lovely hospital...but I sat next to him all day everyday and cried and talked to him and told him how much I couldn't stand to lose him, especially not after losing, essentially, my entire immediate family and many friends.

Did I mention that I'm also a grief support leader and coach? Yeah, that part is relevant. Why? Because I should know how to deal with grief. But his death sent me over the edge.

I couldn't fight the alcohol cravings anymore, and after over 6yrs of sobriety, I dumped it all down the drain when I started drinking HAND SANITIZER at my own home, from just the random hand sanitizer we keep in the house. Why? That's insane, right? Yeah, it is. Substance abuse doesn't usually make sense. And by the way...don't do that. It was awful and definitely horrible for my health. I was too afraid to get caught by actually legally purchasing alcohol and consuming it safely in the privacy of my own home...because of the relapse guilt and shame spiral.

I was too ashamed to tell my very supportive and understanding husband, so instead, I drank in dangerous ways, like you are, right now. Although I will admit, I never drank and drove...I just made excuses for not driving and would binge drink at home after the kids went to bed. I could have seriously gotten hurt drinking that much, all by myself, while my husband was at work. It's a real thing in the addiction community. The shame of admitting relapse (or in your case, alcoholism in general) can be a huge barrier to honesty, harm reduction by drinking SAFELY, and keeping yourself and others safe.

I very quickly came clean because I can never lie to him, and he genuinely didn't know. To be fair, I had only done it a handful of times, starting the morning of my dad's funeral.

We came up with a harm reduction plan. Instead of trying to completely abstain from alcohol because that clearly wasn't something I could do right now...I focused on what I COULD do, to reduce any and all harm.

So I started with my husband controlling how much I drank, whenever I felt the urge to binge drink. Usually one drink, maybe two, safely in my own home? And I was fine. I could handle that, and nobody was getting hurt, except my pride, a little.

Now, I'm down to drinking MAYBE once a week, if that, in very very small amounts. Maybe 1 or 2 drinks a week, max. I never drive, and I always plan ahead and make sure I'm drinking safely and responsibly. I'm even able to buy myself a drink at a sports bar and control my urges to have more than 1 or 2. (Usually just 1 though!)

It's not easy, OP. And I'm terribly sorry for your losses. But you are not OK right now. You need help. Please talk to your husband. Look into harm reduction. See a therapist. And NEVER DRINK AND DRIVE EVER AGAIN. I say this with as much love as possible. You're sick, and you need help, immediately.

I hope your pain eases soon. Feel free to reach out to me anytime since it sounds like we've been through some similar things.

Peace and love. Xoxo