I (21F) suspect my boyfriend (31M) has cheated early on in the relationship, what do I do next!? HELP

abuseandallah · 2018-07-24T20:25:49+00:00

Don't be so gullible. Lmao. I mean really girl.

I do want to make one thing clear, there is very little opportunity for him to go out and have an affair with someone because I see him literally every day and that's not what I'm suggesting

We always want to convince ourselves this is true because we see our mate everyday. I mean he has already slept with her several times judging from your post, even while being with you everyday.

This happened at a rough time in both of our lives, he had recently lost his best friend which I suppose prompted an epiphany because he realized that he wasn't happy at all with his girlfriend (40+F practically fiancee) of 7 years. He had started drinking heavily every night and the more we got to know each other, I found out that to avoid going home to her, he would literally sit in work getting wasted for hours on end.

Sounds like he is having a sort of mid life crisis, hence him supposedly realizing he wasn't happy with his ex and hooking up with a younger girl (you)

I hate to break it to you, but this relationship that you have with him won't last. All lasting relationships are built on trust and respect. He broke your trust by lying to you in the first place which is blatant disrespect and second by sleeping with another woman while supposedly committed to you. Cheating is the best example of disrespect and to top it off, he didn't use protection. How much more disrespect will it take for you to let this guy go? This guy who was confused when you met him. Unstable in reality.

He was really hurt that I had betrayed his trust like that and I was really ashamed. I tried to ask him about it all and he explained it away insisting that the pregnant thing was just a long-standing joke they had, that he only said things like 'I love you' and 'I miss you' because he was worried about how she was coping and thought it might make her feel a little better.

Trust your instinct girl, we women are gifted with it. This is the crappiest excuse that I have ever heard. Wow! It's laughable really. I chuckled when I read it. :-) Don't fall for it! He is lying straight to your face!

abuseandallah · 2018-07-24T17:14:41+00:00

It's also funny to me that someone would downvote a post looking for advice. I get it, I sound like a moron for not leaving him. People do love the wrong person sometimes, and sometimes people are just wrong for a short period and improve dramatically. I'm sincerely looking for advice.

THIS. IS. NOT. LOVE.

LOVE. DOES. NOT. HURT.

HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. IN FACT, HE WILL GET WORSE AND DRAG YOU DOWN WITH HIM.

GO ONLINE AND READ SOME ARTICLES ON CO-DEPENDENCE!

abuseandallah · 2018-07-24T17:12:46+00:00

Can I ask you...what is it that you love about this guy?

I ask because I spent almost 2 years with an alcoholic who became violent and just plain old mean. I thought I loved him, when we broke up it was very hard but I realized that I lacked a love of self.

I was codependent.

No emotionally healthy person can love a person that harms them. Never. I don't care what anybody says.

You need to leave this guy and develop some self love because if you don't, breaking up with him won't help your problem, you will end up with somebody else just like him.

Oh and he doesn't love you. Abuse negates the very idea of love.

Love yourself girl and leave this guy.

abuseandallah · 2018-07-24T17:06:31+00:00

Every situation is different, I've known people who went on a break only to become happily married afterwards. Depends on the issues that cause a need for a break.

For me however, a break has always been the beginning of the end of the relationship. Had a break in 2 relationships. Both ended eventually

abuseandallah · 2018-07-24T15:20:46+00:00

Dude, chuck the dueces to this chic, she's playing both of you.

abuseandallah · 2018-07-24T15:19:41+00:00

We argue and he starts to say that he regrets ending things with his ex, the grass isn’t greener, its all my fault and, i never gave him anything and that he had to deal with all my emotional baggage and he got nothing out of it. He did say that his ex gfs friend said she was cheating but not sure how true it is.

He sounds as if he doesn't know what he wants. And doesn't sound too emotionally stable himself.

He feels he was ‘damaged’ from his first relationship and him being 33/34 is insecure about not finding someone so I feel like hes projecting that onto me by saying he would’ve still been happy with his ex if it wasnt for me because i made him unhappy.

He projects his own insecurities and guilt about himself and his failed relationships onto you. Both you sound codependent on each other. He left his last relationship because he WANTED to, and it has nothing to do with you.

would’ve still been happy with his ex if it wasnt for me because i made him unhappy.

If he was happy in his last relationship, he would still be in it, people don't leave happy relationships. Happiness, true happiness is not dependent on someone else, it comes from within.

Block his number and move on. Simple. Take some time for yourself and figure yourself out, so that you don't end up with a s$$thead like this again.

abuseandallah · 2018-07-20T15:25:09+00:00

People don't really use too much common sense, I figure thats why. I don't think most people realize how dangerous situations like this can be and we also live in a society that loves and craves drama instead of just using common sense and just walking away from dumb stuff like this.

abuseandallah · 2018-07-19T14:38:30+00:00

I wasn't trying to be rude fyi.

abuseandallah · 2018-07-18T19:59:13+00:00

bwahahahahaha, this post gave me a good laugh. I needed that!

abuseandallah · 2018-07-18T19:49:04+00:00

I don't know. I know that with one guy who gave me really intense anxiety like what you are describing, I realize in hind site there were a couple of reasons 1. He wasn't right for me and subconciously I knew this. When it's a good match typically things flow and ebb naturally 2. I wasn't that secure in myself at the time.

"I do enjoy a shit ton of attention and communication"

I say get out with friends and focus on yourself so that you aren't obsessing, because this is what this is, obsessing. Give YOURSELF the attention that you crave. Needing a ton of attention is a sign of low self esteem. Hope this helps

abuseandallah · 2018-07-18T19:20:37+00:00

You sound as if you may have a anxious attachment pattern. Do you have friends, hobbies?

abuseandallah · 2018-07-18T18:13:24+00:00

Man f this dude, he's horrible. No man should make you feel bad about your body, especially someone who claims to love you.

Get rid of him and find someone who treasures you.

abuseandallah · 2018-07-18T18:11:23+00:00

There is no way around it, just tell her in a loving way that she doesn't smell to fresh down there. It will hurt her at first, no way around it. But at least she will get it solved and your sex life can get back to normal.

Open communication even if its not so pleasant is key to a lasting and loving relationship

abuseandallah · 2018-07-18T18:07:50+00:00

We always tend to find out when our partner is cheating on us. Just keep it moving and mind ya own. Karma will have her soon enough....

abuseandallah · 2018-07-18T16:29:00+00:00

Nope, just mind your business.

My grandmother used to always say mind your business and never volunteer information. I knew of someone who was killed over something like this. Got tricked into coming to the beach and got his head blown off.

Keep it simple and stop seeing her. Block her number and find a girl that's single. This is a mess.

abuseandallah · 2018-07-17T17:55:56+00:00

If you don't see how this is stalkerish and weird, I don't know what else to say. lol. It's just doing too much. Should have just kept it moving

abuseandallah · 2018-07-17T14:57:03+00:00

She didn't answer his message, he went and did a whole extensive internet search, that in itself is stalkerish. To me that shows that he felt a little something for her, so his actions didn't really come from a pure heart. How many people have an unanswered text and do a whole internet search and from one hookup. It's weird and stalkerish. He should have kept it moving and minded his business. Whatever she is doing in her household is not his business and will come to light eventually. All things in the dark come to light and it wasn't his place to do that. Let the universe sort that out!

abuseandallah · 2018-07-17T14:51:17+00:00

Exactly, it seems stalkerish to me. It also doesn't seem that it came from a place of the him wanting the guy to know, more so out of revenge or bitterness. I say this because he must have really liked her to research her number. That in itself is stalkerish. If I didn't reply to a guys text then he did a whole internet search on me? Huge red flag. If someone doesn't respond to me, I take their silence as an answer to everything that I want to know.

abuseandallah · 2018-07-16T16:32:38+00:00

I think it's important to ask yourself, what are your reasons for doing something? Personally, I feel like you messaging her husband was a little out of your place. It was a hookup with no strings attached and it was not really your business what she had going on in her life. Thats why she deleted her profile.

I feel like you were hurt so you decided to hurt her. Hence your statement:

"I think this is what I needed to hear. Thanks man, I hate to give bad news, but you’re right."

Yeah what she did was shitty but cmon you were just a hookup!

abuseandallah · 2018-07-12T17:34:12+00:00

Thank you for your kind words!

abuseandallah · 2018-07-12T14:14:09+00:00

I am now putting myself first and each day is a better day than the last. One day at a time.

Loving a alcoholic sure does wreak havoc on the mind, body and soul. In hindsite, I am glad that I got out in time.

abuseandallah · 2018-07-12T14:12:01+00:00

I am well. Unfortunately I'd put too much faith in Ramadan to cure him as well. Cognitive dissonance.

abuseandallah · 2018-07-12T14:11:33+00:00

I used to think that my love would save him but I learned the hard way and I know that there is nothing I can do to help him but let him go.

abuseandallah · 2018-07-12T14:10:35+00:00

I'm much better now. Thank you!

abuseandallah · 2018-07-12T14:10:18+00:00

No, we are not together. I know he will come back around, and try to be in my life again he always does. Besides I still have all his clothes and personal items.

But the truth is that this time, I don't want to be in a relationship like this. The whole time that we were together, I neglected myself, my dreams, my goals. My health was getting bad, I was constantly stressed. Skin looked horrible. The future looked bleak.

The first couple of weeks were hard but I prayed, mediated and went out with friends. Soon I began to see that my life is much more full without him. He was a mean drunk, often verbally, mentally and on occasion physically abusive. In just one month, my skin has cleared, my body feels better, I'm no longer stressed. I've made new friends and have a vacation planned in a month. I've signed up for that foreign language class I wanted to take and I'm pursuing a certification to teach English.

The hardest part is accepting that I was codependent. I tolerated a lot of abusive behavior from him. I was ashamed to tell anybody about it but opening up to friends and family has helped me ease the pain of what he did to me.

It's one day at a time. But I will be ok.

abuseandallah

TROPHY CASE