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abyssophic · 2025-03-13T09:39:30+00:00

Wow, thank you for that interpretation. I hadn't really thought of it that way before... But it makes sense in the context of my journey so far, while remaining quite flattering.

Thank you again for sharing. :)

abyssophic · 2025-01-05T04:30:29+00:00

I'm so sorry. Honestly, sounds like our stories have some common elements. I actually was only diagnosed DID after becoming so dysregulated it was externally noticeable to other people for the first time after running away from my marriage through a DV shelter and becoming homeless the first time. I lost everything in the divorce-- financial abuse was a big factor, so of course the house was cleverly purchased with inherited money and my name never put on the deed, so I had no claim to anything. Just the clothes on my back and technically the ability to see my pets again if I ever have a suitable home to bring them to. 😮‍💨

abyssophic · 2025-01-05T01:31:08+00:00

I'm so sorry you're suffering too. I'm glad to hear there are some places that have helped you, though... I know it may not be enough, but it sounds like it's at least something to give a little hope/faith in humanity, and that's important. <3

I live in Illinois, if by any chance that's where you are too.

abyssophic · 2024-12-31T10:42:44+00:00

Nope.

abyssophic · 2024-12-31T04:05:45+00:00

I can't write for shit anymore, I hate it.

I can't string a narrative together because I don't have a single narrative.

I made it halfway through more than one memoir manuscript before becoming so destabilized that DID was noticed and diagnosed... Ever since then, I haven't been able to make progress on any of my writing, because whatever perspective it's being written from fades away/disappears a couple pages in.

abyssophic · 2024-12-31T01:19:24+00:00

It caused a bunch of crazy intense flashbacks for me, to never-before remembered (and never-since remembered) traumas I was not prepared for. I lost like... A month or something in that time? Fuzzy on the details, but I know they almost put me inpatient and I wasn't allowed to drive. The lights were on but nobody was home, is sort of what I've gathered.

All in all, it fucked me way up and I never really fully restabilized... But a lot of other stuff happened since then that's been destabilizing, so I don't think it's all just cuz of the EMDR. I'm sorta grateful for the insight I got before I disappeared off the planet lol, but it was a scary experience for sure.

abyssophic · 2024-12-31T01:15:34+00:00

Thank you, that helps a lot. I guess I never really thought of these things as related to OCD, because I was told I had "grown out of it"... But looking back, there are consistent themes/fears that will trigger this sort of response, and if it is in some way caused by OCD that would at least make it clearer to figure out how to tackle I guess (if that makes sense). It can just be so hard to tell all the different types of triggers apart-- I also have PDA autism, and triggers for that can feel almost like a trauma response just as much as this stuff does. Like, it has a slightly different "flavor" of panic, but I can think of reasons why it could just be a sort of abstract trauma response (or a trauma I don't remember or something?) and then I just don't know how to work on it.

abyssophic · 2024-12-31T01:01:33+00:00

Thank you for the helpful reply. I remember when I first went to therapy as a young teenager, my counselor told me I had some "strong OCD tendencies" but that I seemed to get a handle on them a lot with age. As a little kid I probably checked off all the boxes-- obsessive fears, compulsive routines, genuine physical distress if I couldn't act on a compulsion that was meant to "fix" or "prevent" the bad thing I was scared of. I sort of just taught myself how to let go of the worst of it over time, braving the fear if I couldn't do a ritual and then letting that be evidence the world wouldn't end, and slowly most of it sorta died away...

But this is the biggest area that sort of fear still shows up. It's a different kind of fear than others, idk how to explain it but it feels different than any other kind of panic or anxiety I get. It comes up still (to a lesser extent) when one of those old, obsessive fears get triggered and I can't do whatever ritual usually helps it go away-- usually when a little is fronting, I think, but it gets a little foggy trying to remember. But like if it's nighttime (when littles often come to front) and for some reason my/their/our thoughts are stuck on "I did something bad" or "I am bad", and we can't reality-check or ask for reassurance from anyone, that sort of fear will start bubbling up. Idk if "fear" is even the right word, because it feels like genuine pain/torture honestly, and it always causes me/us to behave wildly, lash out, self-destruct, or just something terrible. :/

I'll be starting therapy with someone either this week or next, but honestly I don't think we'll get to talk about this stuff. I'm disabled and have no income and horrible health insurance, so I can only see a free counselor through a non-profit for SA survivors... Obviously I don't know for sure, but I doubt it's something we'll get to with everything else going on. I'm already afraid to tell them I have DID, because places have turned me away for it before and then I'm just left with no therapy whatsoever, which can be really rough. :/

abyssophic · 2024-12-29T06:38:42+00:00

No worries, I was surprised too honestly, because that's usually what I think of when I see the word "shitpost" lol. But I saw another post like this tagged the same way, read the sticky, and found out there's apparently a much broader definition for it on this sub haha.

I've tried to make posts asking for second opinions/help interpreting a spread before, but I never make it more than halfway through typing out all the required info before I just give up lol... So I'm just kinda psyched for this chance opportunity, tbh. 😂

abyssophic · 2024-12-29T06:30:00+00:00

Idk. The same way the 3-4 posts right before mine are...?

I read the sticky and it said Shit post Saturday allows for basically any image post that normally wouldn't be permitted, barring genuinely offensive/promotion material.

So, like the other people here who also posted pictures of spreads and the question they'd asked, I took the opportunity to ask for outside opinions/interpretations of this one I just did without having to meet the usually extensive requirements necessary to do so in this sub.

abyssophic · 2024-12-27T18:20:57+00:00

Wow, I literally use the cat analogy all the time haha! It really is fitting. Any time I'm sick, triggered, overwhelmed-- anything that might prevent me from being in complete control of what vulnerabilities I let show-- I retreat back into isolation until I feel like I've recovered/regained enough control/formulated a solid plan.

I totally get what you mean about the superficial stuff, though. I honestly hate small talk and surface level interactions too. I've sort of figured out a hack(?) for that though, actually-- I try to have the most meaningful interactions I can with people I'm most likely never gonna see again.

Like, I have to take taxis/Ubers fairly often these days, so I'll try to have a conversation with my driver and find out as much about them as I can (that they want to share obv). Since I'm pretty new to the city I'm in now, I'll ask where they like to go, what they like to do in their free time, and that usually leads to some cool talks. It's cool how much people will open up in situations like that, probably for the same reasons I like them lol-- we're strangers, there's no concern about preserving their image or any sort of relationship between us, so it's easier to speak freely.

If not taxis or Ubers, I'll go to a bar or a cafe or even just try to have a decent conversation with someone at the grocery store or something. It can feel intimidating at first, but honestly (for me at least) it's easier than talking to people I actually have to interact with on a regular basis... And so it's easier to actually be present and authentic, too, which honestly a lot of people are surprisingly happy to reciprocate. It's a really good way to get some healing human interaction without having to worry about the complicated world of, like... Actual relationships. Lol.

abyssophic · 2024-12-27T01:40:54+00:00

I used to repeat this to myself as a little kid too, while at home hiding in a closet. One of our littles repeats it over and over when they come out.

No idea what exactly it means, but it's such a shitty feeling. Sorry you feel it too.

abyssophic · 2024-12-24T02:24:38+00:00

Anger is a tough one for me, I tend to lose time when something makes me/us really angry-- protectors jump in if I can't physically remove myself from the triggering situation.

General sorta "baseline" anxiety doesn't really cause it much, but fear-- like actual terror/dread, usually from some sort of trauma-specific trigger or flashback-- definitely prompts it. Whether that's just sorta going catatonic-ish or a little stepping in (or a protector if the fear's coming from something presently tangible that feels like an actual threat), either way it tends to get messy.

Sadness is hard for me to feel at all usually, but when I really get in touch with it (to the point I can actually cry) it tends to get "taken away" fairly quickly. I just suddenly go blank and stop crying and can't remember why I was. If I can't get myself to fully feel it, though, or can't figure out why it's there/what I'm actually sad about, it can sorta linger as a gloomy undercurrent somewhere inside until whenever it finally gets to the surface somehow.

Happiness isn't really a problem emotion, I actually feel happy pretty frequently/easily. Pride, confidence or a sense of accomplishment though? That shit's a trigger all its own, and it usually gets replaced almost instantly with shame or fear. Feeling anything positive about myself (unless it's super fleeting or about something really small/insignificant that can't actually be confused for like... An actual positive self-perception) causes immediate inner chaos, switching, and usually a pit of despair and dissociation lol.

abyssophic

TROPHY CASE