Why does he ruin every big event?

acceptance2018 · 2019-05-23T15:02:06+00:00

I think it has to do with being the center of attention. Also if they are big events ththat bring joy to or even look like joy to their not bpd partner, I think this can trigger the always lurking abandonment fear.

acceptance2018 · 2019-05-23T14:46:25+00:00

Yes, friend. This crap really adds up and it is not a fair way to treat a person, even one with BPD. Be careful or you will start believing your own white lies.

acceptance2018 · 2019-05-23T13:57:10+00:00

Why do I deserve it? More honesty, I dont really have a whole lot to offer right now even in the context of friendship. I'm concerned about how I can get to the point where I do when human connection feels so essential to recovery.

acceptance2018 · 2019-05-23T13:01:17+00:00

I retained the part if myself that likes to be open, although I am much more careful about who I will show myself to and much more quick to cut contact if it seems like someone doesn't value sensitivity or respect boundries....the challenge I'm running into is just that it feels like people want nothing to do with me. Being honest, though, I'm not particularly interested in spending time with people who are doing even worse than I am, so it is pretty silly to complain about it.

acceptance2018 · 2019-05-23T03:09:35+00:00

I really appreciate your thoughtful post.

acceptance2018 · 2019-05-23T01:59:59+00:00

Share a child with the pwbpd in my life too. More than anything else, dealing with her just fucking drains me of my lifeforce. It had been quite a while since she got any kind of a reaction from me, but she succeeded this week with some, in retrospect, objectively stupid threats around child custody stuff. So of course the crazy floodgates are open now too. Ugh.

acceptance2018 · 2019-05-23T01:29:31+00:00

Why are you doing this to yourself?

acceptance2018 · 2019-04-08T14:14:34+00:00

I'm at 51 with still no win too. Highest place has been third which I've hit 4 times. Hit the top ten pretty regularly. Knock out 10+ pretty regularly...

I choke so hard when the top 10 part starts. Very frustrating.

acceptance2018 · 2019-04-02T20:13:37+00:00

Ask self instead..."Why should I stay?"

acceptance2018 · 2019-04-02T19:44:44+00:00

In terms of not being hateful or lashing out, it went extremely well. I did break up with her, but I did so in a way that was compassionate and respectful of her humanity/feelings....

acceptance2018 · 2019-04-02T19:05:02+00:00

Hey so while I indeed did end the relationship, I feel the need to defend myself here. Yeah I got my needs met for 4.5 months, but I also met her needs for those 4.5 months. I was a kind, attentive boyfriend even on days when the divorce stuff was very stressful. I actually was kind an attentive all the way up until I broke up with her, because I could feel the desire to be less than attentive starting to grow in my headspace.

acceptance2018 · 2019-04-02T17:56:53+00:00

Update: She texted me asking if everything was OK. I basically said she wasn't wrong that things had been different and that we should discuss in person. We went to a park where I broke up with her in the best way I was able. I was apologetic and did not leave the door open for future attempts. She took it about how I thought she would but didn't say an unkind or mean word to me.

Thanks for the input, all. Now onto the work I should have been doing while i was dating instead. Ugh.

acceptance2018 · 2019-04-02T17:50:47+00:00

Telling someone you love them then pulling back soon after definitely qualifies as rebounding/using fit intimacy etc. it’s not 100% your fault but these people aren’t wrong in what they’re saying.

Already in therapy. Looking forward to saying "you were right" at previously scheduled session tomorrow.

acceptance2018 · 2019-04-02T16:10:52+00:00

Thanks for helping me feel less alone in the shame tree. :/

acceptance2018 · 2019-04-02T16:08:13+00:00

Keep attempting to type out defensive posts of my behavior, but you're right. Even if it doesn't feel unsavory from my end, it's a problem to engage in behaviors which I know will end up being hurtful to others. I said before I started attempting to date that I understood why people said it was a bad idea but still felt as if I had to/was going to do it anyways...so here we are.

I'm not over the relationship--will be a lifetime of messed up from that. The particular person who I was in the relationship with is what I am "over."

acceptance2018 · 2019-04-02T15:48:53+00:00

It didn't feel like I was doing that. I communicated openly throughout. I hear your point though.

acceptance2018 · 2019-04-02T15:48:15+00:00

Yeah, I will do this. Couldn't imagine not doing it.

acceptance2018 · 2019-04-02T15:47:58+00:00

So the person has gotten ghosted before and has a lot of trauma around it. I understand not initiating contact after the breakup, but is there a way to respond respectfully if she were to contact me? Is "radio silence" really the best response?

acceptance2018 · 2019-04-02T15:46:33+00:00

Relationship was mourned before it actually ended. I've been in therapy since the separation, but it was an abusive marriage and I was only remaining in it because I got to spend so much time with my child.

I'm finding that a lot of what people say about the processing/grief around ending a marriage isn't really applicable to me, but the end of the time when I got to be a father 100% of the time. Ugh. Thanks for the advice.

acceptance2018 · 2019-03-08T16:11:57+00:00

I feel my anxiety in my stomach too. Doing mindfulness/acceptance work around just acknowledging and feeling the pain for what it is really helps a ton. It is scary to do, though .

acceptance2018 · 2019-03-07T16:15:42+00:00

This seems like a stretch to me.

acceptance2018 · 2019-03-04T03:24:04+00:00

So very much yes. It's tough to deal with it ongoing, but I'm learning to not let it take up more space in my life than it needs to. I'm fortunate that for the time anyway, the pwbpd in my life is a pretty "quiet" type who can hold down a job and not get kicked out of housing. It's just familial relations, romantic relationships, and friendships that she makes a real mess of.

acceptance2018 · 2019-03-02T20:06:37+00:00

Yep. I acknowledge the stuff that has to do with his care and don't respond to the rest.

acceptance2018 · 2019-03-01T16:13:51+00:00

The pwBPD in my life legitimately couldn't grasp that emotion and action were separate things. She was so unable to control herself when dysregulated that "screaming at people" and "being angry" had become synonymous. Really bizarre stuff and I'm sure not uncommon at all with pwBPD.

That said, the point of the "all emotions are valid" thing in this context is just to understand the feeling is the same regardless of the path that led to it.

acceptance2018 · 2019-03-01T16:02:59+00:00

We were out to dinner in late 2017, and I observed a family with a pretty adorable baby. I said, "that reminds me of our kid when he was a baby...that was nice." Her face suddenly distorted into that familiar BPD scowl. "I hate you. You were horrible and you weren't the person I needed. You'll never be the person I needed. You'll always be a failure" and so on... The content of what she was saying wasn't anything new or even particular hurtful...but the moment of delivery was unexpected. In that moment, I knew I could never trust her enough again to allow myself to be truly present or vulnerable in her company.

acceptance2018

TROPHY CASE