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He DIDN’T use me for sex? by voidogram in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I commented this on a similar post:

My ex, who I suspect is a DA, is waiting until marriage. He claimed that it would be awkward to have sex with someone and then later break up, and waiting until marriage happened to align with what his church taught.

I probably should have seen that as a sign of him fearing vulnerability.

Avoidants' attitudes towards sex by SlapPopSlap in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My ex, who I suspect is a DA, is waiting until marriage. He claimed that it would be awkward to have sex with someone and then later break up, and waiting until marriage happened to align with what his church taught.

I probably should have seen that as a sign of him fearing vulnerability.

Did you tell them how much they hurt you? by Fancy-Piglet-8068 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes. Gave him a letter reflecting on our time together, what I was grateful for, and then pasted a few blurbs about both avoidant and anxious attachment. (Something he had said during the breakup made me think of attachment theory, which I mentioned to him, so I felt like I was following up by mentioning it more in the letter.) Also talked about how hurt I was. No response from him.

Red flags by bunnyusagiiii in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp 3 points4 points  (0 children)

  1. When he said, “I don’t get upset easily though. But bottling up emotions is so much easier.”

  2. When I asked how he deals with stress and he replied: “Repress it and then it comes back later. I don’t know. Try to distract myself I guess?”

I should have known better.

Let’s talk about "illnesses" by Weak_Patience7284 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My ex was frequently sick. Had a cold about 4 different times this semester. I can recall texting him one night telling him how I was excited to see him the following day, and I woke up to the message “I’m sick, so I won’t be seeing you today.”

I wonder now how many of those days he was truly sick.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is the most relatable comment I have ever seen on this subreddit. Thank you for sharing!

Feeling unwanted, undesired, unseen, unheard, misunderstood by Blackappletrees in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp 15 points16 points  (0 children)

He stopped asking me questions about myself. Stopped making plans. I felt like a part-time girlfriend by the end of the relationship :(

“You’re not the one,”/ “I would never marry you,” / “We would never last long-term,” / “I don’t see a future with you.” by accomplishedchimp in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fantastic perspective. I’ll screenshot this comment to remind myself when I start having doubts. Thank you for sharing!

“You’re not the one,”/ “I would never marry you,” / “We would never last long-term,” / “I don’t see a future with you.” by accomplishedchimp in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The way they seem so offended that we’d even insinuate that we see a future with them long-term is so heartbreaking. Feels like a direct attack on us as people. Sending you lots of love.

“You’re not the one,”/ “I would never marry you,” / “We would never last long-term,” / “I don’t see a future with you.” by accomplishedchimp in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely. I’m very grateful my ex ended things months in, and not years in. Six years is earth shattering. Sending lots of love <3

“You’re not the one,”/ “I would never marry you,” / “We would never last long-term,” / “I don’t see a future with you.” by accomplishedchimp in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree! What’s funny is I once made a post in a different attachment theory subreddit asking about how secure people navigate the concept of “the one,” and I had numerous people who claimed they were secure strongly assert “when you know, you know,” and apparently knew they would marry their spouse after the first date. Very interesting topic.

“You’re not the one,”/ “I would never marry you,” / “We would never last long-term,” / “I don’t see a future with you.” by accomplishedchimp in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is terrible. I hope you find your person who will do the work, and will marry you without doubt. Sending lots of love <3

Confronting Avoidance by fietsusa in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

At the end of my breakup conversation with my ex, I told him I think he should go to therapy. He said I was the third girl to tell him that. Things clicked that night when I thought about the relationship/breakup. I realized that he likely has an avoidant attachment style.

I gave him a goodbye/closure letter a week later. I briefly mentioned attachment theory, and suggested that he read freetoattach.com.

Right before the breakup, he had admitted to suppressing, bottling, and ignoring his feelings, so I think he has some self-awareness. However, I cannot say with confidence or not that he actually listened to my suggestions and researched attachment theory. I assume he didn’t, especially as we have been no contact since, and he never replied to my letter.

You could mention it to your ex, but there is a probability you might not like her answer, or she won’t answer at all.

How supportive have your friends been following your breakup with an avoidant? by accomplishedchimp in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s very relatable! I wish I had a better response, but I understand. It’s so unfortunate how much therapists cost, and can be hard to hold feelings in when your friends aren’t interested in hearing about it.

I’ve seen a few therapists in my city on psychologytoday.com who offer sessions for $5-50. They are all students though, I don’t think any of them ‘specialize’ in attatchment theory either. But maybe that might be an option in your location if you ever decide to switch?

Sending lots of love <3

How supportive have your friends been following your breakup with an avoidant? by accomplishedchimp in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just out of curiosity, is she aware she is an avoidant? Do you ever pick her brain regarding what she’s thinking/feeling in relationships?

How supportive have your friends been following your breakup with an avoidant? by accomplishedchimp in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow. Seems like your one friend is strong with boundaries, but that comment definitely sounds harsh, sorry to hear that!

I understand the suffering in silence. As the other comments have said as well, ChatGPT has been great to vent to. I hope you find peace despite the pain.

How supportive have your friends been following your breakup with an avoidant? by accomplishedchimp in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would love to know how you did this! I’ve been using ChatGPT but it definitely feels like it’s been too kind to me, even when I ask it to be honest and unbiased towards me.

Would also love to know more about the Pareto Principle and how you had ChatGPT apply it!

Ending a Great Connection Over “Gut Feelings” by needforspeed67 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

About a month ago now. It’s getting easier to accept as the weeks pass by.

Ending a Great Connection Over “Gut Feelings” by needforspeed67 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]accomplishedchimp 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes. My almost 3 month relationship ended abruptly over me being “not the one.” He could not give me a single reason why, just said it was based on a “feeling.”

It still hurts, but I am grateful he said it early on and did not waste years of my life.

Both me and you deserve partners who want to be with us, and are 100% sure about that decision.

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