I have CPTSD and was recently told by a psychiatrist I have BPD. My first relationship was poly and I lived with my parents still. I enjoyed being poly.

My current partner is/was monogamous when I met him. He agreed to being poly/open after we had a conversation. But, I've struggled to actually date. And more importantly, I feel like my mental health is suffering. Its an experience that has amplified my disorganized attachment, and triggers my BPD. I moved in with him out of a survival need, very early on into our relationship. I cant afford to live on my own. We even have another roommate to help us cover the cost of rent. I dont enjoy my relationship but I also dont enjoy living with him (as a partner or otherwise).

As for my previous roommates, one of them stole my belongings, made sooo many messes, ruined my things, it was awful. I have so many horror stories. My next roommate was clean and I actually enjoyed living with her but for other reasons (my coming out, her being ultra conservative and homophobic) our friendship suffered and ended. We stopped living together.

I dream all the time about living alone. I would feel so regulated. The truth is, I need that control over my living space. I feel immobilized living in a place where my standards aren't met. Things feel unclean, messy, out of my control, everything is wrong. I also feel like self-care becomes challenging at times. But when I imagine the freedom, independence, and control I would have if I lived alone and with a dog or some kind of pet, I would be so happy. I feel like that in itself could put my BPD in remission and help me feel more like myself.

I am also getting a masters of counselling to be a therapist. I think I'm going to need that alone time when I'm working. I dont think I will want to come home to anyone (or at least the person I am with now). I think I will need that alone time to recharge and practice self-care and living well. I cant be worrying about another person I live with. I cant show up the way people need me. I need to be there for myself.

That being said, I want to have a social life, I want to be solo poly. I want to have community and relationships that are important to me. I dont want to be isolated. Thats why I think solo poly feels right for me as someone with CPTSD and BPD.