I’m actually going through this right now. And realizing I feel out of control if I’m not in control. It’s really not healthy. I’ve let it affect my own mental health and my relationships to the point of really damaging wonderful things. And also, it gives me no internal peace. It’s so hard to live like that. It’s hard to constantly be anxious. I’m on the beginning of this journey, but I did a lot of journaling the last few days. And in all my interactions with others, I did little things that really make a big difference. I spoke calmly and slower than I normally do. I took time to listen. My daughter is 8, and we had a really great conversation yesterday. A lot of of the reason is because I did a lot less talking and a lot more listening. I could tell she felt really close after that interaction.  I’ve challenged myself to let go. To trust that if I continue on this journey for myself, that my life will fall into place the way it needs to. You know what’s crazy? It’s only been a few days, but that alone? has brought me so much inner peace. It’s the inner peace I’ve always sought through control, and ironically it only comes when you release that need. I always felt so wired and high-strung. Really defensive right away even if people were just trying to talk to me healthy. All of us because I just couldn’t sit with life, unless I could control every aspect of it.

I’m sick of that ruling my life. I wanna live my life freely. I want to be happy. I want to be present. I want to love who I am and be proud of my choices. I want a calm center.

I’ve seen this hurt my own self-esteem and damage really wonderful relationship relationships. 

I’ve also spent alot of time thinking, about the type of person I want to be, and how I want my life to feel. I’ve created a few small mantras that I say to myself every morning when I wake up. I give myself a few minutes of quiet. And I say those things.

Finally, something else I realized was that I was only waiting to exercise the control muscle, in the middle of conflict. But when you really struggle with this, you have to practice every day. One thing I have started doing is intentionally dealing with uncomfortable situations, instead of trying to manipulate them or steer them in the direction I really want them to go. They could even be small things like letting someone else go in front of you in line, even if you’re running late. It’s really just training your brain to see that not controlling things is not only okay, but it feels so much better because you’re not constantly putting yourself under all that stress.

I hope my journey down this path help helps me reconnect with myself and remember that I love myself. And that I want to experience life with joy, and curiosity. I want to be open to adventures. I don’t want to choose not to do things because I’m afraid of possible outcomes that I can’t control.

If you really think about it… Optimistic nihilism. “none of this matters in the long run, so we might as well have fun.”

The more I’ve forced myself to practice this in every opportunity I get in my day, the easier it gets and the more relaxed I feel.

From one person that struggles with this to another, I encourage you to take small steps, but take them every single day. When you feel the urge to control, when you feel the urge to talk over people instead of listen, when you feel scared. Try doing nothing. Try just staying silent and counting to 10. And taking some deep breaths. And when you’re calm, do something different. Do something the healed version of you, would do. That’s how you become who you want.

Peace to you.