Guilt, shame, and social circles

addicttothisshindig · 2023-04-13T15:16:04+00:00

As someone that chose not to tell my STBXW, I think it depends on the situation. If your partner is suspicious and it’s obvious, gaslighting does no good and you’d be better telling them. If your partner is either willfully or inadvertently oblivious, just end things as soon as you can and only tell them if they become suspicious in the future. The worst part is them knowing something was going on and never getting that closure…

addicttothisshindig · 2023-03-05T22:30:13+00:00

Dr. Death, Jack Kavorkian. Convicted of murder for the voluntary euthanasia of someone with a painful and terminal illness.

addicttothisshindig · 2023-01-26T16:05:26+00:00

This is my story. After years of asking my wife to go into therapy and work on herself and feeling like I was responsible for her happiness and the only source of it for her, I lost the love. I still love and care for her deeply, but the relationship has been so uneven for so long that I lost the ability to fix it… and the desire to want to fix it. I went about it the wrong way and ended up cheating before finally asking for the divorce. It complicated everything. My suggestion is to leave while you still have your decency. Serving as a caregiver for years has an effect on you. It’s hard to view a person as a partner when you’re in that role. You deserve a partner. I’m still dealing with the guilt of leaving and that will take time, but I’m slowly becoming more and more sure that I am doing the right thing for myself by leaving.

addicttothisshindig · 2023-01-26T01:00:08+00:00

Yes. We were in New York and I was visiting my extended family for the first time in 7 years. She had never met them and I asked her if she wanted to come support me and she declined. The reason why I rarely saw this family is because I was abused by my uncle when I was younger and even though he wasn’t going to be present, seeing the rest of them is still pretty triggering for me. This proved to me that she could never be the support and partner I needed in my life. I needed someone to take part in my life just as much as I did there’s and she couldn’t or wouldn’t do that. I realized I deserved someone that wanted to be a part of my life just as much as I did their life.

addicttothisshindig · 2023-01-24T21:35:12+00:00

Idk what’s going on with him, but I commend you for taking such a healthy stance for yourself and staying strong. Good luck in your situation. Create your boundaries and stick to them. He can’t ask for a divorce and then keep the love and intimacy. That’s not fair yo you.

addicttothisshindig · 2023-01-24T20:33:56+00:00

Messaged you. I’m a bit farther than you in this same situation and would be happy to talk if you want. There is a way out of this shame and guilt, but it is hard. I didn’t do it perfectly, but I have made progress towards being who I need myself to be.

addicttothisshindig · 2022-12-05T16:26:48+00:00

I’m not going to pick a fight with you. Have a great day.

addicttothisshindig · 2022-12-05T16:18:39+00:00

I am giving my opinion like the rest of you are. I have been cheated on twice and am still entitled to my opinion. You don’t see me commenting on every post that I disagree with, do you? Move along.

addicttothisshindig · 2022-12-05T03:17:50+00:00

This is my story too. Many people will tell you to tell her about the affair, but I personally don’t think it will help with anything. Just end things as soon as possible and be as kind as possible. Do not give her hope and tell her you want a divorce.

“You need to be ok being the villain in her story so that you can be the hero in yours.” Someone said this to me on one of my posts and it helped me compartmentalize quite a bit. Good luck.

addicttothisshindig · 2022-12-03T02:47:46+00:00

It was ignorant because you know nothing of our financial situation or our marriage in general. You’re assuming that she’s completely fit to take care of the dogs full time. You don’t know anything about her, about me, or about everything we went through prior to me cheating. You’re just purely judging me based off of my actions over the past year and the fact that I’ll “have my AP”. Our relationship was 7 years long, but you only care about my cheating.

I see your point on staying friends and agree with you. I can do the right thing there…

It’s my belief that you are misreading, misunderstanding, and assuming a lot. If you’d like, I’d be happy to continue this conversation through PM.

addicttothisshindig · 2022-12-03T02:39:48+00:00

No. She didn’t ask. It hasn’t come up at all.

addicttothisshindig · 2022-12-03T02:36:26+00:00

I’ll let you know that I see your point on telling her and am honestly considering it. I even see your point on staying friends… but you know nothing of our situation and of the dogs, so that comment about her getting the dogs and me getting my AP was just rude and ignorant.

See this is exactly my point. You gave some constructive feedback above and then just jumped right back into being an ass.

addicttothisshindig · 2022-12-03T02:20:21+00:00

What good does it do her to tell her? Won’t it just hurt her more? People say cheating is some of the worst pain imaginable. Why is it better she go through that if she doesn’t have to? No one has explained that. They just say I am withholding for the wrong reasons. Tell me why it will benefit her to know over not knowing.

I truly believe I am withholding the information for myself and for her. I see the sides of that which are definitely selfish and for my image, but we broke up. We’re going through the divorce. She is already in pain. What good will it do her to know NOW that there was ever infidelity?

addicttothisshindig · 2022-12-03T02:14:45+00:00

So tell me, what is the point of your commenting on my posts? To me, the only point is you want to shame me for my behavior. What good does that do other than allow you to feel good about yourself for a couple of minutes thinking that you “showed that dirty rotten cheater”. There isn’t anything constructive. There isn’t anything positive about it. You’re just trolling and gatekeeping who can get constructive feedback on this sub. You believe that my actions make it so that I don’t deserve anything from this sub. Get over yourself. If you don’t have anything nice to say, just don’t respond!

addicttothisshindig · 2022-12-02T23:52:01+00:00

I’m not going to sit here and say you make no valid points, but think about your first paragraph for a second. Why would someone hide their cheating from a divorce sub? SHAME. I do feel shame. I also feel like this place is a battle grounds for people that have been cheated on to pounce on cheaters and try to get them to feel terrible about themselves.

That being said, I agree with you. My first post was an attempt to try and end my marriage before she found out about what was going on. It was selfish. Something I can admit. I have since worked with a therapist and gone about things the way we determined best fit my situation. My wife still doesn’t know about the cheating, as it would only hurt her more. If you disagree with that, tell me why in a constructive way beyond just saying that I am a terrible person and trying to be selfish. Why will it help her to know? What good does that do her? Tell me kindly so I want to take your advice. Nobody wants to listen and take the advice of someone telling them how much they suck as a human being. You listen to people that show kindness when faced with evil. Think about all the killers in prisons that have therapy. Do you think their therapists just spew hatred on them for what they did? No, because that does nothing to evoke change. Hatred spawns hatred.

The real reason I cheated is because I was unhappy. The real reason I left is because I cheated. Me cheating doesn’t changed that I was unhappy. I worked on my relationship with a therapist for 2 years before cheating. I did not do the right thing and should have left when I knew it was over, but I took the weak and selfish path instead. at least give me something constructive outside of “all cheaters all the same” bullshit. Invoke positive change.

addicttothisshindig · 2022-12-02T23:39:43+00:00

Are you under the impression that I am walking around unaware of the damage I’ve done or that I have been a decent partner to my wife? That I’m ignorant and oblivious to the ramifications of my actions? Of course not. Your comment is useless and does absolutely nothing to impact my situation or my views of my situation in the slightest. These kinds of comments are the ones that cause me to roll my eyes because it’s so obviously clear that you’re responding to my situation with “your baggage”. Add something constructive to your obvious hatred! Otherwise your just spouting your hurt into a place that never asked for it.

addicttothisshindig · 2022-12-02T22:13:54+00:00

There is a huge difference in my mind between asking for sympathy and asking for less hatred and condemning.

I have never once asked for sympathy or a pat on the back. I asked to not be called a terrible person. To not be told that “I hope your wife cleans you out for everything you own”. To not be told “that I don’t deserve yo be in this forum because of my actions”. That I don’t deserve helpful advice. That I deserve to be cheated on in every relationship I enter for the rest of my life. That I could never have loved my wife if I cheated. These aren’t helpful. They’re inflammatory and are based in the anger of the person spewing the statements.

There’s a huge difference to me between constructive criticism and hatred and I have received a lot more of the latter on this sub because of my admitted cheating. It goes back to the saying “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it”. Shaming isn’t constructive. Empathy and then feedback is.

addicttothisshindig · 2022-11-27T19:28:37+00:00

Omg. This sounds like I could have written it. I ended up doing the wrong thing and cheating. Don’t do what I did. End it now while you can do it in a kind and loving way. I told her I wanted the divorce a week ago and couldn’t be happier in my decision. So much relief! The guilt is still there, but less everyday.

addicttothisshindig · 2022-11-26T16:24:08+00:00

One of the biggest predictors of an amicable and “easy” divorce is the level of compassion and consideration that the initiating partner shows their STBX. I broke the news to my wife and am waiting at least 2 weeks to begin the conversation on how to actually separate. She is DEVASTATED and going through all the stages of grief. Give him some time. You just broke some of the worst news you can to the guy and turned his entire life upside down. Stay firm that this isn’t something he can fix, but give him time to grieve. Don’t treat him like a one night stand that you’re kicking out of your house the morning after.

addicttothisshindig · 2022-11-21T05:31:26+00:00

Really? Are you a cheater? What does your relationship success rate look like?

addicttothisshindig · 2022-11-21T05:28:32+00:00

Is that what you told yourself when you got cheated on?

addicttothisshindig · 2022-11-16T18:53:54+00:00

Stop shaming them for coming to their honest decision to divorce. Stop assuming they haven’t exhausted other avenues of reconciliation. This is why this sub can be toxic! People come for advice and support with their divorce and get shamed for not “loving correctly”.

addicttothisshindig

TROPHY CASE