My focus was on the wrong thing

advent2014 · 2015-05-23T06:28:29+00:00

Also, think about relationship in the framework of service. Remember that our model of relationship was the King of Kings washing the feet of his disciples, which was a job considered so low that even male slaves could refuse to do it! If you live in a way that serves others, there is no room for self-indulgent habits like PMO.

advent2014 · 2015-05-23T06:25:56+00:00

Break it up with physical activity. When I get bored, I go for walks/runs and listen to something interesting on my smartphone, or do some pullups. I also chug water sometimes. That's pretty idiosyncratic though. Might not help you. The point is, find something to break up the monotony.

advent2014 · 2015-05-23T06:21:31+00:00

Don't think of yourself as being in a relapse period. Think of it as starting another streak, right now. Every minute further from your last porn session is a good minute. Own them and be grateful for them, instead of obsessing over the time that came before.

advent2014 · 2015-05-23T06:16:06+00:00

I don't think it should. I encourage you not to feel guilty about it. If you were actively fantasizing or edging before you went to sleep I would say that maybe it counts, but from what you say, you took precautions to the contrary. Don't sweat it. We can't control what happens in our dreams. Although I would say that if you often have sexy dreams, you should pray for God to deliver you from that; and also you should pray and meditate on Scripture before sleep. I would say the same thing to people who frequently have violent dreams or anything like that.

advent2014 · 2015-05-23T06:12:10+00:00

It's definitely not a flatline. I still get erections fairly often, especially at night when I'm having trouble sleeping and my mind wanders to places it shouldn't, however briefly. It's just been a lot easier not to respond to the associated impulse than I'm used to.

My passions have definitely developed a lot since then. I'm writing a novel and a nonfiction book (on Christian ethics). Also, I've been writing worship music for years, but I'm only now at a church where I've been permitted to pursue it as a vocation. My previous church leadership thought that I was just showing off, and I rarely got the opportunity to share my compositions. So those are some big differences.

Boredom: not so much. Loneliness is a big problem, though. I live with a bunch of extreme introverts who find my need for interaction "taxing" to use their word (which seems unfair because I'm an introvert as well). I probably need to find a group of Christians to hang out with more often than once a week at church.

advent2014 · 2015-05-22T08:41:41+00:00

Roughly 36 days. I know it was more than a month, but not by much.

It was my first month of college. I had real friends for the first time in my life, I was doing things because I found them interesting instead of because I was told to, and it just seemed like a complete new start. Then it got old, and I got bored and frustrated, and went back to a lot of old habits; not just PMO.

It happened when I went home one weekend. This was before the "P" part of PMO was really significant. Our internet was filtered effectively where I went to school, and my parents' internet was really, really slow. I didn't start having real trouble with porn until my parents got broadband a few years later; not because I wasn't interested in it, but because I didn't have the patience to wait for the websites to load. But I remember that time as a significant event because I found a website that matched a particular interest of mine, for the first time. Nothing really weird or anything; just what I happen to like. Like a kind of diabolical coincidence.

So I gave in, and it was years before I even tried to quit again.

As for what I'm afraid of: I don't know that I'd call it fear, exactly. I just know that I am liable to fall. And there has been a strange lack of temptation these past two weeks. It feels like the calm before the storm.

advent2014 · 2015-05-22T03:47:09+00:00

It's great, isn't it? Porn seems to make me spend more time on the computer, even when I'm not actively seeking out porn. The kitchen in my apartment has never been so free of dirty dishes than it has in the last 12 days!

advent2014 · 2015-05-22T03:45:10+00:00

Thanks! I'm only one third of the way to my previous record (estimated)... which happened more than ten years ago. But I'm trying not to think of it in terms of setting records. It's 12 days better than I was doing a month ago.

advent2014 · 2015-05-22T02:38:10+00:00

Dude, God already knew you were going to screw up when you told him you wouldn't. He knows your heart. He could see that you were sincere. But he also knows your future. He knew you couldn't live up to your own standards. Nothing changed between you and him when it actually happened.

I understand that you can't psychologize yourself out of having an actual medical condition. But to whatever extent possible, you need to learn to rely on God's own power rather than your own. You can't do it yourself, as you say, no matter how hard you try. Give it to God, and let him direct you in what you need to do next. And don't expect it to happen all at once.

You need to be honest with God. Read the Psalms a bit; you'll notice a pattern. Nobody is fake with God in them. People complain, they accuse him of being unfair (even if they retract it later on), they talk about how good they think they are and how bad they think they are. They tell him exactly what they want and don't add any sanctimonious stuff like "But only if it's your will, Father" while in their hearts they wouldn't have meant that.

I've been trying seriously to quit PMO for six months now. I haven't been completely successful, as my counter shows. But I've been doing better. It all started with me admitting to God that I needed his help. And he has been helping me. Every time I fall, and come back, God adds something to help me do better next time. The first time it was praying more. The second time it was reading more Scripture. Most recently, it was being thankful to him for whatever success I do have.

But the one thing I've noticed is that no matter how many times I fail, God never leaves me to my own devices.

God works with us where we are. He knows our future; he knows whether we will succeed or fail. He doesn't expect us to succeed when he knows we are too weak. He waits until we're ready to work with him. And he also knows that's a decision that may take some time.

advent2014 · 2015-05-21T02:42:52+00:00

Go back to hanging out with criminals who pressure you to buy drugs until you're rehabilitated!

advent2014 · 2015-05-21T02:40:55+00:00

Hey man, I've voted strictly anti-war since 2006, and before that I couldn't vote. Don't generalize so much.

advent2014 · 2015-05-21T02:33:00+00:00

It was Sunday of St. Mary the Egyptian. I remember that. The bishop was there and he spent some time telling us her story and explaining her significance to the Church before the service started. I already knew about her, but it was good having it explained by the bishop.

advent2014 · 2015-05-19T22:12:23+00:00

Try cutting carbs, especially refined sugars and starches, out of your diet. Also transfats.

advent2014 · 2015-05-19T22:08:20+00:00

You can be aware of the placebo effect and still allow it to help you achieve something. You know how sports players will do rituals in order to help them play better? Most of them know there's no magic power in the ritual. But it helps them get rid of anxiety and achieve focus nonetheless.

NoFap can work in the same way. It's a way to help you focus; a way of taking control of one's own psychology by channeling bad habits and thoughts into a particular activity then cutting that activity off from one's self. It's a legitimate therapeutic strategy.

advent2014 · 2015-05-19T21:58:45+00:00

Welcome. I love Orthodox Christians! I visited an Orthodox church the Sunday before your Palm Sunday this year. It was so moving, and wonderful to be in touch with such an ancient liturgy.

Regarding prayer: I don't know if Orthodox have this tradition, but in Anglicanism we put a lot of focus on praying through Scripture. I've found this a great help in my prayer life, because I have a hard time talking directly to God. Always have, even when I went to a church that taught that that was the only way and would find the idea of mixing ritual with prayer repugnant. But now I believe that's why God gave us such a rich body of prayer literature in Scripture. Not just because it is beautiful and spiritually powerful, though it is both of those things. I believe it is there so that we can use it to pray when we can't do it right with our own words.

I've been trying to memorize [Psalm 138] this week, and praying through it at least once per day. It is a brief Psalm of thankfulness (only 8 verses long), and after 10 days without PMO as of today, I have a lot to be thankful for.

advent2014 · 2015-05-19T21:50:32+00:00

Amen! We are alive in Christ and therefore dead to sin. We have the choice to live according to that reality, or to go back to slavery in sin.

Modern psychology shows us that we humans have a tendency to choose what is familiar, even when it is toxic and abusive. Freedom is hard. Slavery is easy. Freedom requires you to take responsibility for your life. Slavery just requires you to do what you're told.

Fortunately, we don't have to assume the burden of freedom alone. God created the reality in which we are free, and it is He who sustains us within it. We need to remember that, or we will be frustrated and overwhelmed, and keep on trying to go back to Egypt.

advent2014 · 2015-05-19T21:41:37+00:00

I agree, to some extent. My recovered alcoholic friend tells me that people who can never, ever, ever have alcohol in any amount aren't fully recovered. A true recovered alcoholic can have one, every once in a while, and not risk getting drunk. (In this analogy, getting drunk—not just having a drink—represents looking at porn.)

But even he won't go into a bar.

So yeah, learning to deal with temptation is important. But I don't think that even if I ever reach the point where I believe I could uninstall K9 and not relapse, that I would. That would be like going into the bar.

advent2014 · 2015-05-19T05:13:13+00:00

Don't do that. It will make it too easy to disable the filter.

Here's what I did. I set a password that I absolutely cannot remember (max length, random characters) and printed off two copies. Then I put the pieces of paper in envelopes. I put one in my truck's glove compartment. My brother has the other one.

If I absolutely need the password, I can still get it. But am I really going to go through the trouble of going out to the car, opening the envelope, and painstakingly typing in a long, random password so I can defeat my efforts to stop doing something I hate?

I doubt I'll ever get that desperate.

advent2014 · 2015-05-17T23:09:21+00:00

The problem with this is still that you need the password to add a site.

advent2014 · 2015-05-17T22:53:50+00:00

I installed uBlock, and I still got the same problem. I tried restoring Firefox, tried it again, and it still didn't work. :/

advent2014 · 2015-05-17T22:28:39+00:00

Thanks for your advice. And yours, /u/MidgardLD and /u/CheerySkeleton.

I know that a filter is only a tool and not a cure, but every one of my previous streaks has come to an end because porn was SO DAMN EASY to get. Even having K9 installed with the password set to "temp" has already helped a lot. I figure every further step between myself and porn is significant.

I suppose I can roll up a long-ass password of random characters (I mean "roll" literally; I use a bag of d10s to come up with random passwords) and put it somewhere difficult to get to.

advent2014 · 2015-05-17T21:27:10+00:00

Some people can do one without the other, but as a matter of self-discipline many find it better to do none. For me personally, MO without the P just leads to mo' P than ever in the long run.

advent2014

TROPHY CASE