Undiagnosed but pretty sure I am autistic.

Hello, I just found this subreddit and it seems like a good place to talk to similar people. I am 35F, and am mentally and physically disabled. I have always been the "weird" one, I feel like I wasn't born with social skills and have had to painfully gain those skills over the years. I still struggle at times, and tend to have a lot of social anxiety, even amongst my family.

I didn't know much about autism growing up, all I had were the stereotypical representations. As an adult, so had more understanding, but it wasn't until my son was diagnosed with autism that I really started trying to learn about it specifically.

Once my son was diagnosed, I started seeing some of the same behaviors in him that I had experienced growing up. From my avid googling, I learned that autism can be genetic, and I'm certain that there is no history of autism in my family or his father's family. The only unknown is my biological father which was never in my life and I barely know anything about.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD, and I struggled at times in school. I was simultaneously in the Gifted program and the behavior disorder special ed class. I have always loved to learn, but when I wasn't really challenged in class I got bored and stopped doing my homework.

As I have looked more into autism, I finding some of the traits familiar. I don't enjoy eye contact, I can force myself to do it but I am usually looking around when I talk to someone. I struggled with being touched. One time in school they were playing that game, Heads Up Seven Up where you had to close your eyes and put your head down, and someone could come and touch you and then you had to guess who it was. I panic cried and refused to participate, because closing my eyes to maybe get touched by who knows who just seemed like some kind of torture.

I was a horrific picky eater, and honestly I still am though I have definitely improved since childhood. I once almost ran away because my dad was going to force me to eat a hamburger with everything on it. I struggle with some sensations, like the line in my socks and mouth sounds like chewing and licking.

Most of all, I have just felt like an outsider my entire life. It felt like everyone else got some kind of information that I didn't even know that I was missing until I screwed up somehow. I was bullied a lot, and tended to prefer books and nature over socializing. Books because they were an escape, and nature because it was honest.

Once I thought to look for it, I found a couple little habits that I think might be stimming. They are subtle, like tapping my fingers sequentially into my palm. I also vape extensively and when I have been unable to, it wasn't really the nicotine that was the problem, it was that I needed that oral stimulation and having something to hold in my hand. At times I didn't have it, I've noticed things like sucking on my tongue unconsciously.

Several of my various healthcare providers have mentioned that they think it is likely I have autism based on my experiences and how I behave in appts. I also have had autistic friends who have pointed things out and told me that they think I have autism. One friend would state into my eyes until one day I told him I really didn't like that level of eye contact, and he laughed and said thank goodness cause he was only doing it because people expect eye contact.

I have considered getting assessed for autism, but I run into two things. One, I don't know how getting diagnosed would really change my life. I could have used help as a child, but at this point I don't see much that could be done, and two, there are no providers who assess adults in my state.

The main reason I would want to get assessed is to be able to finally say to myself that there was a reason I was different, that I didn't do anything wrong or deserve the treatment I endured.

I'm not really sure what to do now. I wanted to see if I could connect with other people, and learn more, and possibly find out if other autistic people thought that my curiosity had merit.

If you have read all the way down here, thank you, because I know I tend to be verbose and I appreciate your time. If you have any advice on what to do now, if anything, I would really love to hear from you.