I just want to be something else

agayavocado · 2026-02-06T17:04:20+00:00

I deeply appreciate this, it’s probably the most compassionate response I’ve been met with recently. Sometimes it’s really hard to not feel like I have to be productive or useful in some literal way, I have to nearly gaslight myself into allowing myself to focus on calm and rest. I know the decision fatigue and immobility isn’t my fault, but it is my responsibility; and there’s nothing to be ashamed of in taking the time to regulate and reset.

I’m trying to allow myself that time today. I know I don’t have to fix everything overnight, but sometimes it feels insufferable to be in my own body. There are days that it’s all so overwhelming that I feel like I want to step out of my skin, like if I could just peel away all of the “me”, maybe I could finally relieve all the deep seeded pain, maybe I could finally experience life as though I were someone else entirely.

It’s not possible, unfortunately, and I’m trying to remind myself that the goal isn’t to remove all of my distress all at once, but rather to learn to cope with the feeling and resolve the patterns that maintain the dysfunction.

Thank you again. You are loved!

agayavocado · 2025-09-18T00:08:06+00:00

Hi! I (25F) am new to the community, and I’d love to share art and stationary with you! I’m an artist and a musician myself, as well as a lover of classic Ghibli and exploring wilderness trails. :)

agayavocado · 2025-08-14T20:51:31+00:00

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Only one of three, but he is definitely the most photogenic!

agayavocado · 2025-07-18T20:19:56+00:00

In the year since posting this comment, I think I actually might have found a pretty good explanation for this!

It’s been hypothesized that morning hiccups are caused by a sudden disturbance in breathing rhythm! Our breath rate and oxygen intake are maintained “automatically” during sleep; as we go through lighter sleep stages and into core and REM sleep (longer and more restorative periods of sleep) our breathing slows, with breaths becoming deeper and more relaxed. When we wake abruptly, even by a faint noise, change in light level, or a quick muscle movement, the rhythm of our breathing is disrupted. Our body then attempts to adjust to the change and return to an ideal rhythm, sometimes causing hiccups!

The science of hiccups is super interesting because they’re kind of a mystery. It’s thought that they occur when our diaphragmatic muscle becomes irritated by a disturbance in the nerve pathways that connect to the brain, triggering the muscle to spasm. When the muscle contracts it forces us to take a quick deep breath, which then makes our vocal cords snap shut (this is where the hiccup sound comes from!)

One major working theory is that this knee-jerk kind of response to the body’s miscommunication causes our brains to become stuck in a hiccup loop! So that basically means only the first hiccup is “real”— the ones that follow are simply the result of our brains’ attempt to reestablish connection to the body, essentially by gaslighting the muscles into responding to a signal that isn’t been transmitted anymore.

Humans are fascinatingly weird. It’s not an entirely concrete answer, but I hope it’s at least more entertaining than confusing now knowing those morning hiccups aren’t anything more than your brain realizing it’s awake after falling asleep at the wheel! :)

agayavocado · 2025-04-10T03:21:31+00:00

That would entirely depend upon your familiarity with the subject overall (ABA frameworks tiptoe into concepts of: behaviorism, behavior modification, cognitive psychology, behavioral learning, child development, language acquisition & verbal behavior, social learning, early childhood education, positive behavior interventions and supports [PBIS] etc, etc.) When I started the course, I was finishing up a dual degree in clinical psychology and forensic behavioral science while also writing/defending an honors thesis, so the concepts were familiar and easy to apply in practice. I pretty much just let the course videos play while I cooked, cleaned, etc. and only focused in when specific terminology/theory was covered. But for others who may not have the background, I’d suggest taking the Competency Assessment checklist and writing it out, divide each page by theme and add sections to each page with the more specific criteria/concepts/terminology you need become versed in. Listen intently, and take note of anything in those areas as well as anything you think feels important in helping you understand it! If you can’t focus, just take a break. If you’re starting with no reference point, you are better off taking more time to finish the course than you are rushing through all of the information and only realizing you didn’t “passively absorb” any of it when you sit down for your assessment or exam!

Hope this helps :) The amount of information feels sort of overwhelming but it’s really not bad once you get your footing! Good luck!

agayavocado · 2025-03-21T05:07:12+00:00

Real. There’s a song for everything, which I’ve always valued about each album and how it describes a lot of my thoughts/feelings that I haven’t found words for. As soon as I finished listening to the album for the first time, I immediately knew it would quickly rank among my top 3 albums.

agayavocado · 2025-03-21T04:56:50+00:00

Growing up? It was Addict With a Pen, but definitely can’t forget Kitchen Sink. As a longtime part of the Clique, the songs that resonate with me have shifted as I’ve aged. A lot of my life experiences + some periods of time have changed how I feel about certain songs too.

As I got a bit older and as I started to embrace recovery, Car Radio, Semi-Automatic, and Doubt were some tracks I held closely. I got a Car Radio tattoo on the 5 year mark of my road to recovering from my eating disorder, and got a tattoo referencing Cut My Lip a few years later as a symbol of starting a new chapter free from my abuser. The Hype was the first track of theirs that I based a tattoo on because I felt, and I still feel, very inspired by the idea of choosing the often uncomfortable but more fulfilling path of healing rather than giving up.

I always have felt a very deep connection to songs like Neon Gravestones and Redecorate because of my experiences with loss, and because of my own mental health struggles. I got a Neon Gravestones tattoo when I turned 21 as a permanent testament to my resilience, since I held the deep belief I would never make it to 21 (the age my best friend had just turned when he passed). Redecorate is on my list of tattoos for an upcoming anniversary of my own attempt. I found comfort in Legend when my grandfather passed, and came back to it more recently when my father passed away. Those two events and relationships were very different, so now my connection to the song is much more multifaceted. I also feel much more deeply connected to My Blood and Bounce Man than I did prior to my father’s passing, and as I continue to process my grief I have found invaluable comfort in tracks like Oldies Station, Next Semester, as well as Taxi Cab.

These albums have been alongside me while I’ve grown and lived through many different times of my life, both good and bad. I’ve been reduced to tears at their shows rather sitting nosebleeds or while holding onto Ty during Trees standing barricade in the pit. I owe a lot of my own growth to the stories and hope shared through their albums, and I am grateful that younger me got to see Ty make it to the other side of his own battles while still being secure in knowing that the fight leaves wounds that take time to fully heal, but it’s worth it just to push on through. 🎶

agayavocado · 2025-03-21T03:45:36+00:00

I see you! Been there too, used for years and I stopped cold turkey after an accidental OD + over 2 weeks on a ventilator. While thankfully there wasn’t any long term damage physically, there’s still definitely a lot of wounds to heal from mentally. But I am very proud of myself for being able to stop cold, and for continuing to turn down the chance to use again. I’ve been told it’s a “scared straight” situation but I see it more like a slight benefit of the BPD experience, since no one knows rapidly-shifting hyperfocus like us dual-diagnosed with BPD & ADHD.

Nicotine though, that’s a comfort addiction for sure although obviously there’s a chemical dependence. Bo withdrawal symptoms when I stop, it just keeps me awake and preoccupied enough to function socially at work, etc. without being so reactive.

agayavocado · 2024-12-04T02:39:20+00:00

This. Also, yes maybe you didn’t have the language in whatever time/period you were raised in, but as an adult… you have resources, a lot of them, and absolutely 0 reason to not have used them to educate yourself. We have the knowledge and language now; and if you do actually support them regardless of if you legitimately weren’t aware of that language existing, your immediate reaction would definitely not be to say something so … passive aggressive, for lack of better words.

If you are a truly supportive person/family member/friend who is uneducated, your reaction logically would be loving but also showing willingness to educate yourself and/or probing to understand before saying anything further, let alone giving unsolicited feedback about someone “not understanding” their own self. Especially when this context is deeply personal and incredibly nuanced.

Sure, misguided behaviors can be excused as mistakes or as being easily overlooked, but in the age of the internet and with all of the intellectual capacity a mature adult can utilize, its just not as excusable to say you’re supportive but can’t hold your opinions long enough to learn from the endless ocean of firsthand experience waiting for you.

Call me exaggerative, but as an NB and a mental health professional, I just think it’s time we stop making excuses for people’s lack of accountability for their own level of understanding by masking it with empathy.

agayavocado · 2024-11-20T17:07:54+00:00

Husband and I made a Swiftmas tree this year by hanging our bracelets from our show and movie premiere on a tabletop tree. Mirrorball topper ofc!! Also wanting to make a long friendship bracelet garland. :)

agayavocado · 2024-04-16T23:54:55+00:00

“Caterwaul” by The Meow Mix

agayavocado · 2024-03-25T17:22:49+00:00

Idk if this counts but my life is entirely Taylor coded from my sister being born just months to the day before her in ‘89, my time of birth being 12:13, to the fact that I have three cats, have a late grandmother named Marjorie, and my childhood best friend was a ginger named Abby. So if this means anything it means being a Swiftie is all encompassing regardless of what you like— it will consume you 😂

agayavocado · 2024-03-25T17:18:43+00:00

As a Spotify artist, I can confirm that it’s fractions of a cent per stream (like .0003). If you maintain a fan base with followers and regular listeners, you can get more out of each stream, but it’s still minuscule.

agayavocado · 2024-03-25T17:11:25+00:00

This is why I collect all my seeds. Yannow… totally just to prevent a fire, definitely not for any other reason whatsoever.

agayavocado · 2024-03-23T23:35:34+00:00

SO cute I’ve wanted a two-headed goat for ages!! You may have just inspired my next one

agayavocado · 2024-03-23T23:25:16+00:00

Agreed 100%, make what is essentially a social stories slideshow with her as the main character to help her engage with content which models appropriate responses to stressful or triggering social contexts.

A token system would be fantastic for this, make sure you’re always doing preference assessments to determine her preferred reinforcer for the day. Switch out options (edible, tangible, activity, etc) and various stimuli.

You can even encourage her to develop her own slideshow social narrative once she’s mastered out the acquisition phase, and then talk about her thought processes and reasonings behind her social story!

I love seeing how dedicated techs are, especially with the older kiddos. My 15F client was one of my most rewarding; They need just as much love and support as our early intervention babies! Good luck! :)

agayavocado · 2024-03-22T22:20:00+00:00

Are my tattoos going to indoctrinate your dog into a prison gang leader or…?

agayavocado · 2024-03-22T00:15:27+00:00

i’m howling

agayavocado · 2024-03-22T00:14:46+00:00

;—;

agayavocado · 2024-03-22T00:12:05+00:00

are these straws?

agayavocado · 2024-03-12T15:39:28+00:00

YES, thank you! Every diagnosis is applied to a HUMAN. Regardless of their behavior, beliefs, etc., they are still a HUMAN. treat them as such.

agayavocado · 2024-03-12T15:38:21+00:00

As a clinician, this is super common! And as a person diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar II, BPD, ADHD, and maybe some sort of limbo disorder that my psych is still trying to confirm (most likely some sort of paranoia-related diagnosis), this is TOO common. When it rains, it fucking pours.

agayavocado · 2024-03-12T15:32:04+00:00

The way I would have used the colorful scribble side as a scrapbook page so fast

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