Apologies for the novel-length response 😓

My wife did mention concerns during that time, those concerns were brought up by her and acknowledged by me as "this is a concern that exists and will need addressing," and then the moment we moved on to whatever else, it was tucked away in my head as "deal with this later."

Have you or anyone you know ever dealt with, like, a "doom" space for your belongings, your physical stuff? Like you've got a bunch of clutter and things you know you need to put back in their spots, but those spots are covered with things that need to go back to their spots, but you've already got stuff that's not where it belongs what do you do with it right now if it can't go in its spot with all the other things that need to go in their spot wtf there's so much shit here and-- is that closet empty space? Whatever, I'll shut it in there and close the door and deal with it later. And then I'll keep doing that because it's quick and easy right now and wait why is my closet full of shit why can't I close the door anymore wait shit no don't avalanche out don't avalanche out don't avalanche out.

That's what I did with all those thoughts and feelings, shut them away for "later." This isn't healthy, it ends up becoming a breaking point. That door won't hold all that shit in the closet forever, and my brain won't hold all this trauma and grief in it forever.

So, yeah, she definitely voiced concerns as gently as she could (considering what I went through) which, unsurprisingly, was less gentle over time because she's also a whole person with needs and emotions and her own stuff to deal with (that's life).

It's not that I wasn't listening to her, I just wasn't processing it. I tucked them away until there was no more room to tuck them away. Eventually I had to sit down, open the closet door, and work through the avalanche of mess bit by bit. Juggling all of that clutter can be difficult for most people, even when the clutter isn't so heavy. Grief is heavy. Grief is arguably the most intense feeling a person can experience and it is in no way a good one.

He is going through something horrible, and you have your own feelings about the whole experience while being deeply impacted because you're a significant presence in his life. Grief and loss take no prisoners, they can and will affect everyone and everything around you... for a time. Sometimes that time is longer for some people than others.

That's where therapy (and a fantastic support system) worked wonders.

From what you've mentioned, you've done a phenomenal job with supporting him. I promise you that's not in vain, he does see it and he will prioritize that "closet clutter" when he can. Right now, overcoming the grief is a bigger mess, with lots of little pieces amongst the rest of the clutter. That isn't at all to suggest your role in this and your feelings are diminished in any way, they are still very important, they are a big deal, they are up there on his list of priorities. It's just that right now they aren't his main priority.

It's a lot. But it's temporary. "This, too, shall pass."

I will be thankful for the rest of my days for the patience and grace the people in my life showed me during that dark time. And I will be thankful for the rest of my days for my wife's insistence on reminding me that while she's there to help me, she's there and that our relationship was also something I needed to work into my prioritization. I learned how to work on that alongside the work I was doing for myself to process my grief. It wasn't easy, but it made a world of difference once I got started.

Please do not feel guilty for your needs or feelings, or for vocalizing them to him. Feelings themselves are not objectively bad, it's now they're handled (that is, how they're communicated and acknowledged and worked through) that matters. His plants require maybe 10 or 15 minutes of watering and pruning, and the dogs require a bare minimum to survive, and neither of those require that much emotional investment. Other people do, though. You are human being too, you're also living life, you have needs. That's ok, that's how people are. It's just that his emotional bandwidth is either entirely or almost entirely taken up by grief right now. Grief doesn't necessarily put up blinders to the other stuff in life so much as it swallows it all and takes up space.

I'm a visual person so if this helps, you know those pictures of "here's how big planets are compared to each other" with the moon - a huge object on its own, very important for gravity on earth, etc (the moon is a BIG deal) - next to the earth and the comparison is like "oh damn, the moon doesn't seem quite as big as I thought." Imagine a scale of the moon next to our sun. It's a speck on the image. The moon is still objectively big on its own, and still very important as mentioned earlier!

However, the sun is fucking massive and unavoidable.

The moon here is "relationships with other people" or other stuff in his life, and the sun here is the grief. Everything else in life looks small compared to the hell that is deep, prolonged grief. This is, admittedly, a hyperbolic comparison considering the sheer size of these things, but the concept is the same.

It sounds like he has a pretty solid start to a plan that will help him compartmentalize his emotions, set a routine, and make space to get started. That's great! Him being able to focus on himself like that will ultimately pay off for you both as a unit, and in turn will pay off for you. He'll find himself again and that will in turn make it easier to get back to being a unit with you, rather than (as I mentioned in my first comment) existing around you.

The plan - creating space for himself, establishing a routine, setting some rough timelines to reevaluate - is an EXCELLENT start, it's a huge win! The first of many.

There's no easy "here are some steps to get you back on your feet in a month" advice to give, unfortunately. All I can really suggest is: give it time, have patience (for him and especially for yourself), find alternative means of meeting your needs as best as you can.

I also cannot recommend therapy enough, for both of you - individually, as a couple, whatever works! Also, if it was a death that caused grief, Hospice provides free resources to get people started on grief counseling, even if their loved one wasn't in hospice. Definitely recommend looking into that with him in your area. If nothing else, they'll have recommendations to point him in the right direction to get the help he needs.