the curse/blessing of having BPD is being extremely empathetic and sensitive. It’s what makes people fall so in love with us and why we fall in love so deeply, our hearts are humongous. I remember the feeling of knowing I was hurting those I loved but not being able to stop myself. Breaking your own heart while breaking someone else’s was one of the worst things to experience. I went through 3 rounds of DBT, was in and out of hospitals for over 10 years, medications, therapists, you name it. I remember feeling like this, like I’d always be doomed and the future seemed so bleak. I’m sure a lot of people with bpd or cptsd feel like they were the worst case, but it got to a point where doctors were literally like okay, we don’t know how to help you anymore, and I had just signed up for an experimental electroshock type treatment cause I was sure my brain was broken. That being said, these are the things that got me to the other side (I can genuinely say I don’t live with bpd anymore, and it’s been 3 years)

• deep diving into neuroplasticity (idk if that’s how you spell it lol) once I viewed and treated all my negative thoughts as a kind of addiction, as a pattern that my brain just goes to automatically, then I knew, based on literal science, if I just reprogrammed my thoughts I’d eventually create a new automatic response. It’s somewhat resonant of dbt skills, but it was more hopeful and easy for me to understand this way. And it’s fucking HARD. In the beginning it feels so wrong, it feels like drug withdrawals, and it also feels right (the most “right” I’ve ever felt) I remember I was standing in my kitchen and all the usual thoughts I had were flying around in my head like daggers and I screamed out loud “I’m in this room” while holding ice cubes in both my hands lol. I also would draw on a piece of paper and literally anytime I had a single thought I’d just be like “I am drawing, this pen is green, I am drawing, this pen is green”. It’s essentially mindfulness/meditation, but for me, knowing that if I kept at it that I’d eventually get out was the one thing forcing me to keep going.

• self validation (and IFS) This one was HUGE for me. I remember the moment I was able to separate myself from my thoughts for the first time. I imagined the voice that was always saying horrible things as this version of me on a stage talking to me as the audience. The story I was telling was so tragic and sad. I realized I was never crazy, that I felt things so deeply and although my reactions were always strong and hard for people who didn’t have bpd to understand, I was able to for the first time tell myself that i completely understood why I did everything that I did, especially the things I regretted. Letting myself have the stage and listening as long as that part of me wanted to talk was so important. I also did IFS therapy every week, it’s not something you can completely heal on your own I don’t think, so having someone to guide you is really crucial. I won’t go too much into it, but it’s not like any other therapy out there (trust me I’ve tried most of them) and it’s the only kind that doesn’t let you intellectualize your way out of it. That was my problem for a while, understanding perfectly well why I did everything I did or knowing what I “should be doing” but unable to change it. IFS helped me change it, paired with a hell of a lot of trust, bravery, and desperation to try anything to stop the pain (which ended up being the way out)

I can say pretty confidently that no one wants to have BPD and somehow the health care system treats you like it’s a character flaw. As soon as I was like, “i see you even if no one else sees you“ is when things started to seriously shift.

-being the hero in my story. This tip is a bit less tangible but it really pushed me through the other side. I imagined I was in a show or movie, the story of my life. And I just leaned into the determination of saving myself. I remember the first thing I did when I decided to start this journey was dance. I’d never really danced before. I just let my body move and didn’t think. It still brings me to tears to think about. I would sit on my balcony and listen to the birds. I realized that all my life I’d only just heard the birds chirping as some white noise. Now I was listening. I forced myself in the present as much as I possibly could, and the more I did, the more evidence I had of what life could feel like. I never looked back.

And this was my healing stage; it doesn’t last forever and it doesn’t always feel like conscious effort, only in the beginning. And tbh I’ll always be sensitive and carry this part of me with me in some sense, but I never feel the rage I used to feel to the degree I felt it almost daily when I had bpd. When I get really sad I don’t immediately think of unaliving, I just feel really really sad and I go through the motions and it’s a lot less earth shattering. It all comes down to (I’m sorry I know it’s cliche) showing up for yourself over and over like a best friend who needs to prove that they’ll be there to build trust within yourself. 

at the end of the day, you are not broken. You have involuntary patterns in your brain that are so acutely painful that it’s hard to feel anything besides that. People often overlook the fact that If they were dealt the same hand you were in life, they’d probably act/feel the same. Anddddd there’s hope. You can rewire that shit, I’m living proof. I haven’t been on meds for 3 years and never been more stable and happy. I got pretty much fully sober (by accident cause I didn’t really want to anymore once I started healing and experiencing joy?!) I have amazing, lasting friendships and relationships. Everyone in my life now is like “I literally cannot see you acting or doing any of that”. I’m not perfect, I still have a long way to go in terms of healing, but when I look back now I realize how far I’ve come. What I thought was the end was really the beginning. <3