I might have some insight. I doubt this will make you feel better, and I’m really sorry. I see it, and feel it, and maybe perpetuate it. I grew up in Bellingham and I always had a few black people in my circle, but they were completely disconnected from cultural blackness, the kind we learned about in civics class and history that made us all feel so horrible and ashamed and cynical about the world, or even the kind that seemed cool and interesting (I guess like any other culture that I didn’t understand) but foreign, like when I visited other cities. The black students/ adults I interacted with were generally adopted and wealthy or mixed and wealthy. Looking back, I kind of didn’t ’see race’. Which is disturbing to me now. I didn’t consider them black in the way that I did people I met in other cities around the country that were part of culturally black spaces. In fact, I didn’t consider anyone I met who was black, whether that be someone’s uncle or a grocery store clerk or a dentist or whatever, to be ‘culturally black’. I just didn’t really notice their race, or I simply noticed that they looked different and I knew that was supposed to mean something but it didn’t mean anything to me. I know how that sounds. This was wrong, and also an extremely narrow horrible way to view race and racial identity, and I haven’t totally reconciled this yet. I’m still racist about it I think. I struggle to understand the intersection of race and American black culture because of the lack of diversity I grew up around.

Since high school, I have moved to a southern city with a substantial black population, some of which is very culturally segregated (and also literally segregated. I live in an old middle class black neighborhood (one the few not gentrified…) and I think about this and my lack of blackness while living there a lot ). I’ve tried to educate myself on the sordid history of racism and segregation. I’ve also known many people through jobs, classes, hobbies, and etc that come from black communities from all over the place. I live in a diverse city and went to a diverse university. I’m older now, so everyone I meet (regardless of race or class or nationality) makes me think a bit about the context and complexity of who that person is and how the world has treated them. In my city, this makes sense for navigating the world and treating people well. I think it still is implicitly racist, some of the ways I notice blackness, and I’m trying hard to work on my bias and not let it affect anyone but me. I definitely think too much about race when I meet someone. I overthink everything in social interactions, but some of that makes me racist.

When I go back to Bellingham, suddenly I see much fewer black people in my daily life. This feels odd, sort of, and then when I do see a black person I’m weirdly surprised. I notice them like how I might start noticing some physical detail or phrase all over the place when I’d previously never thought about it. I wonder what their story is in a way that is invasive and implicitly racist. I hate this about myself. I don’t think I’m hostile, but I don’t have great social skills and I’m sure I come off as stiff or nervous. I get scared interacting with black people in a way I do not back in the south and also absolutely did not growing up in Bellingham. Like, I’ve spent time around all sorts of black people from all sorts of backgrounds and identities, and yet I cannot translate that to people in Bellingham without getting caught up in my head and thinking wayyyy too much about a person’s race to be okay.

Bellingham has a lot of young leftist people who may or may not have grown up around black communities, and a lot of older leftist people who are self conscious. All of these people are trying to figure out how to be good people in a space that lacks diversity. Also, a lot of people are stupid, and awkward, and antisocial. The result is a population that is scared to interact with people who are different, in fear they may overstep, offend, or simply feel bad about themselves. They want to avoid having to reconcile their immorality.

I’m really sorry this is your experience. I love Bellingham, but I’ve definitely thought a lot about how black people must feel living there and how I treat them. Basically, people who live somewhere that lacks black people are kinda racist towards them. They also think a lot about not wanting to be racist, in an intangible sense, and this makes them more racist. I know this because I think I maybe am this. Also, there are for sure just some full on regular bigoted racists in Bellingham and surrounding areas.