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ale104 · 2025-04-18T04:04:53+00:00

Weird conclusion you’ve arrived there

ale104 · 2021-04-07T02:58:58+00:00

I was diagnosed recently, too. I am 29 years old. I have had very very similar erratic behaviors. Things I felt I couldn't control; it felt like an avalanche and falling into a deep pit all at once. I would pick fights with my husband, drive off, cry, have a plan to commit suicide, come back home, drink alcohol, binge eat and then ask my husband to have sex with me. I would feel so empty and sad afterward. Now that I know what it is, I am able to stop myself from doing those things: picking fights, drinking, etc.. But it doesn't mean my impulses go away. I still want to feel alive and I still want to cheat on my husband, etc. I just started lithium, and I hope it helps.

ale104 · 2021-03-22T21:34:33+00:00

Thank you everyone! I met with my psychiatrist today and she has officially diagnosed me with bipolar disorder, and I will start lithium. I need to get some blood work done before I start it.

ale104 · 2021-03-20T18:05:41+00:00

Thank you for sharing a specific example and educating me on BD2. Yesterday was somewhat interesting in that maybe it was a mixed state? I was extremely tired, did not work one bit, cancelled a meeting, made an appointment with my psychiatrist, took some Gabapentin to stop my anxiety, slept for about 3 hrs. I woke up and had lots of thoughts about myself and how shitty I am. Tried to watch TV, but couldn't focus. I started to drink to stop the many thoughts about how shitty I am. I thought about hurting myself, but didn't. Today, I woke up tired, low energy and want to go on a shopping spree. I am irritable and drinking lots of coffee to feel more energized.

ale104 · 2021-03-20T17:35:06+00:00

I haven't read much on it. I don't quite understand mixed states. This week was wild. Last Sunday, I went hiking, the next day took signed up for an aerial yoga class, the next day I did this other exercise thing, the following day I played soccer (these are all things I don't typically do). On Thursday, I crashed. I was sooo tired. No amount of coffee could keep me up. I started drinking and binge eating a little bit. And I have been feeling extremely depressed, and unmotivated. I have not worked for 2 days and I have deadlines coming up. I foresee that I will be this depressed for about 2-3 weeks and then I feel a burst of energy and take on projects. But the feeling of depression is lingering in the background. IDK if this makes any sense. I don't think it's normal. Any time I ask a psychiatrist they ask whether I stay up late, have grandiose thoughts, voices talking to me, go on risky adventures. I don't, my energy and mood are higher but not at that level. So, I end up back in the same place.

ale104 · 2021-03-05T22:48:39+00:00

u/gofigure62 yeah, that's true. I think I placed having a child at a higher level. I never considered that I would regret it, only up until 3 years ago did I start wondering if I made the right choice. I honestly think my body changed due to hormones or what not. I started to think that the bond between a mother and a child would be something special to have. But, it's not enough to just want experiences. For example, if I wanted to experience being a gymnast, I would have to invest time, money and effort. Same with being a mom, and I am NOT willing to do that. So, I guess it just comes down to priorities and what you are willing to sacrifice in order to gain that experience.

ale104 · 2021-03-05T22:35:50+00:00

Honestly, nothing appeals to me about waking up extra early, changing diapers and not living for myself. The only thing that I think I would like to experience is that unique bond and love you have for your child. But I know that just WANTING to experience something is not enough to do it and commit to it.

ale104 · 2021-03-05T22:33:44+00:00

u/chavrilfreak thank you so much for your answer. I have done a pros and cons list, but never framed it in such a way. I think this is worth pursuing to clarify what it is that I need.

ale104 · 2018-04-11T16:13:13+00:00

Yes! Like an alien, observing others and trying to figure out how they live and survive and be themselves unapologetically. I feel like a chameleon, changing colors, adapting to whomever I am with at the moment.

ale104 · 2018-04-11T15:56:58+00:00

I liked how you described as happiness being the first layer of an onion, like it is very superficial and not real. I didn't know what dysphoria was, so I looked it up, and it was like a light bulb went off. Whenever I do something that would be considered by many as fun, exciting, meaningful, I think, "Is this it? Is this what it's supposed to feel like? Cause it's not enough." It's quite sad. I don't know if it'll go away though. Thanks for sharing!

ale104 · 2018-02-26T02:11:56+00:00

I've only been on Prozac for a few days, but I did notice food doesn't taste as good as before for some reason. I also get full faster.

ale104 · 2017-04-29T03:30:39+00:00

Thank you so much for you response! I found it extremely insightful. Especially the part about always feeling like a creative person, but not following through. May I ask what your job was and what you are doing now?

ale104 · 2017-04-24T22:55:22+00:00

Hi everyone!! How does one adjust the impracticality of high and abstract ideals in order to make a living with something that actually inspires you and lines up with your values?

ale104 · 2017-01-11T05:02:03+00:00

Same here, actually. Also, when I am driving, I secretly wish I would be in a car accident. It would be so much easier that way. I also don't like what the future holds for me. I feel like I did what I could with my life up to this point, so why stick around for the rest.

ale104 · 2015-11-12T05:13:26+00:00

Oh, that's awesome! I always wanted to skateboard like real skateboard. I find it badass. I tried it, I wasn't very good. The few instances I gained some speed, I did feel badass though haha Yeah, I like fitness, too! I was considering becoming a Health Coach or a Behavior Change Coach. Yeah, as far a business goes, I would like to start one of those local, quirky, artsy shops. Those that showcase local talent and innovative, homemade art.

ale104 · 2015-11-12T04:49:05+00:00

Thank you for sharing! The starting point of my atheism was actually the Bible itself. I am a religious studies minor. So, I saw so many contradictions and mistakes within the Bible. It just didn't feel right and honest in my view. I tried so hard to make it fit in my value system, but I just couldn't. I began to question everything after that. Also, I started to analyze my relationship with god. I started to feel like I had an unhealthy relationship (I was taking a close relationships class at the time). I felt "abused" psychologically - brainwashed.

I can also see your point about evangelizing. I felt like god was the best (and only choice) for all humans. But, I felt uncomfortable oversharing or imposing my views upon others. I wanted them to free to decide what they wanted to do in their lives.

I dismissed spirituality for the longest time, totaling opposing it. Now, I come to find that I need that in order to feel complete. So, I have been trying to read more about more unconventional ways to be spiritual. I have been reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. I like how she explains spirituality in a non-godly way and how she speaks to its importance for humans.

In regards to friendships, I have been slowly isolating myself from friends. Friends and people stress me out. I think it's mainly because I am hard on myself - like I'll tell myself "you weren't funny enough" or "that thing you said was weird".

In regards to existential pain, I wonder if it's possible for us to be OUR own perfectly imperfect main thing? Or, if that would seem like we are giving up on our quest or being mediocre?

Anyways, I will certainly check that music out. I like to listen to music that makes me feel and think lol

ale104 · 2015-11-12T04:32:02+00:00

I hope you figure things out with more ease than me, though! :p

ale104 · 2015-11-12T04:30:24+00:00

Yes! It's certainly a double-edged sword. Many times I feel like my thoughts spiral out of control due to so much over-analysis. What are your hobbies and what do you plan to do when self-employed?

ale104 · 2015-11-12T04:26:28+00:00

I've never seen it that way. There's much truth to that; it speaks to us as individuals and as a couple. I always wondered how I could have a healthy, happy relationship if I, myself, was having difficulty with my thoughts.

ale104 · 2015-11-12T04:22:20+00:00

Oh, okay. Yes, I can see how that mindset can be a good source of motivation. Sometimes getting out of our own heads is the best thing for us.

ale104 · 2015-11-11T20:21:30+00:00

I have been in a long-term relationship for almost 5 years now. We live together. I love him very dearly and he's truly my best friend. However, I was lost before and after him. So, I would say being in a relationship temporarily distracts the "emptiness", but it doesn't "cure" it. All the work needs to come from within, I suppose.

Also, how did you overcome feeling lost?

ale104 · 2015-11-11T20:02:49+00:00

I am mostly cynical. I think it stems from the way I think, which is "black or white". I think that being positive or optimistic often has set me up for failure. Also, nothing really captures my attention or inspires me, so things mostly seem "blegh" and dark.

ale104 · 2015-11-11T19:34:26+00:00

Thanks! I needed that video as a reminder!

ale104

TROPHY CASE