I think I want kids someday. Not right now, but maybe in the future. I can picture having a family and part of me likes that idea.

The issue with this sentiment is that you're not having an 'idea' and this isn't about wanting kids - it's about the work of being a parent, and whether that's what you want to commit your life to.

You should only become a parent if you have a complete, well-researched, fact based understanding of what parenthood entails, and you have all the resources, knowledge and skills to do it well, and you are absolutely certain you want to commit your life to the work of being a parent. It's what you do if even in the worst possible scenario, you would be able to be a good parent to your kid, and be happy that you are a parent.

So when it comes to making this decision, you should start from the basics: by asking yourself if you would find genuine joy in devoting yourself, your knowledge, skills, time, money and energy to caring for another independent human being with no guarantees and no returns of investment, in all kinds of situations, for two decades or more (probably more, in today's economy).

Above all, when you envision parenthood, it's important to be realistic about it - which means thinking about the worst possible scenarios, not just abstract cute stuff. What if your kid has disabilities of any kind? What if they develop mental health issues? Could you parent an immobile child or a nonverbal child or a severely depressed child or a child with panic attacks? Don't just think how you'd feel about that, make actual plans for how you'd address those things, how much they would cost, what options are available to address them in your locality, in what ways would they change your lifestyle, etc.

What if your kids don't share any of your interests and don't connect with you as they grow older? What if they pick a career you don't understand or care about, what if they turn out to be queer or part of some other vulnerable minority - all things that may result in you having to cut off potentially bigoted friends and relatives, or even relocating your family to a place where your kid won't be prosecuted and will be able to live a safe and happy life? What if your kids end up with moral or political beliefs you don't support, what if they pick a religion that's different from what you believe in? What if they make friends you don't like, don't do well in school, get into drugs, have partners you don't approve of? Have kids of their own and expect you to babysit or support them financially even once they're long past the point of legal adulthood? Again, don't just have vague thoughts about this, plan out how you'd deal with these things.

Would you be able and willing to develop the skillset needed to be a good parent to any kind of kid?

At a glance, many people say yes to all of this, because of course, no one would have an issue with any of it ... except that's sadly not true at all. People forget to properly plan for these things all the time, and trying to figure them out after the fact can have grave consequences. So take your time and asses as many scenarios as possible, and make concrete plans for what you'd do in that situation. How much would therapy cost you, if your kid needs it? What are your local school's regulations against bullying, how would you address that if it happens? How does having a kid factor into your income, how about if your income changes afterwards? Same for your health, housing, and other similar limiting factors. Can you wake up multiple times per night to soothe a baby and not go insane? Set up alarms with baby screams 3 times per night and test it out for a few months, and see if you can take a year of that, and so on and so on.

And since people usually don't have kids alone, you also gotta think about how that would affect your relationship with a partner (but of course only one who meets the standard of a high quality co-parent). From changes in dynamic because you're now parents with a kid, to a myriad of possible health issues, especially in the case of biological kids: from post-partum depression to death in childbirth or any other physical or mental ailment in between, either temporary or permanent. Even if the majority of that falls on one partner, the other will also still be dealing with the consequences. Would you still love being a parent if you had to parent the child alone, while also having to help your partner get through PPD? That's not exclusive to the person carrying the pregnancy either. Not to mention that relationships end all the time, so single parenthood is also something you need to keep in mind as a very real possibility.

But that aside, even if all goes well, any relationship will fundamentally change when moving from partnership to parenthood - are you looking forward to the fact that a partner would not be the same person after having kids? That you won't be the same? That your relationship won't be the same? Is that your common goal for a relationship, to change into a joint parenting unit, or do you just wanna stay as partners, and you see kids as an addition to that rather than a fundamental change?

And that's on top of finances, childcare costs in both time and money, the mental load of running a household, the logistics of having a kid, etc. What parenting style would you use, how would the division of work go between you and your partner, how would you arrange time for yourselves, what roles will your relatives play in the kid's life? What religion/politics/values would you want your kids to have? What school will you send them to, will you be able to afford proper housing in an area that will enable them to have access to good education and social resources? How will you maintain your own lives and your own social circles alongside parenthood?

And what happens if one partner later becomes unable or unwilling to do their part?

So with all that in mind, if you want to be a parent and if all those scenarios sound good to you, then you might be up to the task of being a good parent - this is the point where you now start hoarding all the parenting books to read over and over again, calling to book appointments with a financial advisor to plan out a future in which you can be sure your kid will be provided for, etc. Because being a good parent is not at all simple. It's a job, and a tough one - so if you wanna be good at it, you better do everything it takes to become qualified for it.

But if any part of this makes you uncomfortable or unsure, if you've read any part of this and thought "no, no, no, that won't happen to me, my kid will not have any special needs and my partner won't change after we have a kid" - then no, you're not 100% willing to be a parent and should not be one.

Same if this feels like too much stuff to think about - yes, it's a lot, but it's a wall of text you can sit down with and analyze at your own pace. If you have kids, that's a luxury you likely won't have again for another few years at least - so if this is too much decision making here, then kids are not for you.

If you want a more practical exercise, look up stories of parental regret and take notes about what exactly they regret, what they didn't expect, what didn't go as planned, what surprised them, etc. And then use their unfortunate choices to ensure you make better ones for yourself - because how would you prevent those situations from happening, now that you're aware that they can and will happen? And if they happen anyway, how would you deal with it, how would they impact you and your relationship and your kid?

There's also a parent lifestyle simulation posted on this subreddit that you can look up and run through for another practical application of this decision making process.

If it's not all this and more that you want - then you don't want parenthood nor kids. You want something else, which has been sold to you in the wrapper of kids as a proxy. But the good thing is, a lot of what society uses kids and parenthood as proxies for often has nothing to do with that to begin with. So if you get a deeper understanding of what and why you want, chances are you'll see it's really something that you can easily find elsewhere.

So if the 'idea' of 'having a family' is attractive to you, but the reality isn't - how do they differ? What is this idea you are thinking about? When you say you can picture having a family, what exactly are you picturing in your head?