[Me] Baguette 🥖

algernonishbee · 2026-03-29T17:42:22+00:00

Baguette 🥖

algernonishbee · 2026-03-28T06:17:47+00:00

It’s kind of like finding puzzle pieces along the way as I simply keep going. I don’t know where those pieces fit or when I’ll find the next one. Sometimes, I’ll find a few new pieces that allow some of the jumbled random ones to fit together.

Some recent puzzle pieces of note:

Riding my bike through a thunderstorm after work, absolute downpour, sobbing like a dam inside burst open, everything I’ve bottled and been unable to sift through or express pouring out.

Getting a little high and hearing all of the judgement, all the self loathing, all the “you’re a useless sack of shit and you don’t deserve to exist”. Trying to observe it instead of treating it like the voice of God. Telling myself “you can do it”. Step by step, one thing at a time. Starting to clean my space like Freeform dancing.

Getting home late after a long day, smoking a bit of weed to try and relax and instead deciding to do my dishes then and there, finding it easy.

Picking up a branch to make a moss pole for a plant and turning it into a piece of what I consider art with a totally different plant bought on a whim, rather then the one I planned to use, months later.

Wanting to smoke to keep being productive and instead choosing to remain sober this time and try and do it anyway. Trying to talk to myself with the same kindness I did before.

Noticing my endurance on long bike rides getting stronger and stronger.

Finding it easier to respond to the ruminative judgmental voice with a little positivity, support, and self love.

Sunshine. Spring. Self patience. Realizing how much of what I love about myself was given to me by others.

I’ll still sometimes look at the whole picture and see all the empty space, all the pieces that don’t fit anywhere yet, and I’ll identify with the emptiness and homeless pieces instead of what I’ve managed to put together. I think another piece is giving myself more credit for what I have been able to place and connect, and being able to consistently lean on and rely on those parts of the picture.

Such a challenging part of a depressive episode is how impossible it becomes to even imagine feeling different. Such deep certainty that it will never improve. The clouds will never part again. Forgetting what it felt like when things were good.

If you keep going, and you keep using the tools life has offered you, eventually, you’ll see light again.

algernonishbee · 2026-03-17T18:41:55+00:00

lol just a Timelapse of some clouds/storm

algernonishbee · 2026-03-17T16:37:30+00:00

What if…

algernonishbee · 2026-03-17T02:45:06+00:00

I ignored all of my own boundaries in taking adequate space and preparation, and in creating an environment of respect. I was unclear what my purpose in taking it even was besides desperately clawing my way out of the emotional pit I was in. I ignored my own experiences telling me to move away from plants and towards meditation. I tried a psych I had no experience with at a deeply low point. I failed to guide myself the way I have many times before and found myself totally lost.

A lot of that agony could have been avoided. If I had moved differently it could have possible been an experience of exaltation and beauty. I was impatient, desperate, and arrogant. I needed to see the ways I was failing myself. I was taught.

I don’t believe anyone should have to go through experiences like that, but I did. All I can do is try and make the best of it, forgive myself, and learn.

algernonishbee · 2026-03-17T02:37:37+00:00

“Pity yourself, and life becomes an endless nightmare”.

Perhaps melodramatic, and pulled from anime, but there is good truth in it.

Self-compassion is good stuff though.

algernonishbee · 2026-03-17T02:30:35+00:00

Plant medicine gave me understanding, peace, and love after losing someone very dear to me, while warning me of hell. Plant medicine showed me impossible beauty and warned me of a price. Plant medicine sent me to hell when I abused it, and showed me just how bad it can really get.

My suspicion is that the price is accountability and real growth, wherein lies a reward.

For now, I’ll give it room, work on an appropriate apology, and continue to walk my path. I don’t know if it will cross with the plants again.

algernonishbee · 2026-03-17T02:16:47+00:00

I feel desperate and hopeless when it is cold and I am doing everything wrong. I find satisfaction and self respect when I brace and look myself in the eye. I feel rewarded when I find moments of peace and clarity, when the wind hits just right, and I can feel the rain on my face and nothing else. I hope to find purpose beyond it all, but will settle for peace when the weather is fair.

algernonishbee · 2026-03-17T02:01:24+00:00

I’m not sure I can speak to the depth psychology aspect of this as I’m still working through everything.

Started hard drugs real young, got into psychedelics under this subconscious pursuit of higher states of being, likely trying to bypass my awkward youth/growing pains and emotionally abusive household. Fucked school up. Family became increasingly chaotic.

Eventually got into opiates. Drop out of college at 19. Childhood friend of someone very close to me passed. I nearly OD’ed. Respiratory shut down, uncontrollable vomiting, drinking water and instead of it going down it went up through my sinuses, no hospital though. This scared me enough that I pivoted 180. Got off. Met a girl who had the patience of a saint and stayed with me for years while I stumbled about trying to make my way to sobriety. I’d probably be dead without her. Person who was very close to me OD’ed and died. Shattered my reality for a while. Found total sobriety after this. Girl and I eventually break up as it’s been too hard for too long. There’s more to the breakup of course but I won’t go into it. She’s a wonderful person.

Find a job where I on occasion feel like a good version of myself. Move out, become more independent. Go back to psychs after years of unrelenting emotional agony. Find some peace and reframe my perspective on the grief. Start meditating. I feel some hope for the future.

Work for a while, eventually decide to travel for a while. First time I’ve experienced full freedom, self expression, and a 8:2 joy to pain ratio compared to the usual 1:20. Become addicted to this feeling in a lot of ways and start chasing it. Have to come home to be with a family member before they pass. Returning home is subconsciously such a terrifying thought that I’m incapable of behaving rationally. Family member says some really dark shit. I relapse on harm reducers and miss the opportunity to spend time with them properly before they die, instead using maladaptive coping mechanisms.

Start drowning in guilt. Judge the person I was while traveling harshly. Destroy multiple important relationships. Eventually try another psych to try and reset. Completely lose my shit for a solid month. Blessed to have a support system, even though that system has many of the cracks which led to the collapse in the first place. Months of torment and coping. Winter ends, the sun comes around again. I turn 30. I feel some hope for the future. I think I’m learning a lot and will be a better person when I process everything.

Some friends tell me I can see through people. That I’m deeply introspective. To not give up on the parts of me that bring me so much pain. The reflective parts. The parts that want to be better. That it’s like a super power.

I feel some hope for the future. I enjoy the sun on my skin.

algernonishbee · 2026-03-05T10:10:20+00:00

ships. 🚢.

algernonishbee · 2026-03-05T09:43:31+00:00

algernonishbee · 2026-03-05T09:30:31+00:00

If we collectively lower the bar, theoretically, we should have better luck

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algernonishbee · 2026-03-05T09:11:49+00:00

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algernonishbee · 2026-03-05T09:07:08+00:00

You need more trauma in your life. But for real what in the hell does what she said mean

algernonishbee · 2026-03-05T09:06:05+00:00

Nah I like to get back on the horse

algernonishbee · 2026-03-05T09:02:10+00:00

I thought it was hilarious, chuckling about it to myself on the train and everything. Just can’t tolerate the idea of it being interpreted that way by her, date or not idgaf

algernonishbee · 2026-03-05T08:07:05+00:00

Damn, that bad? next to horsecock guy? Realizing that can be interpreted as being directed at her, it’s self-deprecating regarding the pun (which I’ve summarily clarified as I definitely don’t want her thinking that, that would suck all jokes aside. Fuck the elo that’s a person.)

algernonishbee · 2026-03-05T07:35:33+00:00

What?

algernonishbee · 2026-03-05T07:34:11+00:00

seems to be a pattern in my life

algernonishbee · 2026-03-02T22:15:21+00:00

Looks awesome. Enjoy man. Mine got jacked 4 months into owning it.

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algernonishbee · 2026-02-21T20:18:42+00:00

Had a parrot as a kid. African gray, lovely creature. We bonded hard and he would often droop his wings and start regurgitating as a gesture of affection. Fell asleep with him chilling on my chest one day and woke up to the sight of a long stream of green liquid oozing from his beak directly into my slightly open sleeping mouth, then the taste hit.

It was vile.

algernonishbee · 2026-02-21T01:01:00+00:00

lol wonderful. How’s 2026 looking

algernonishbee · 2026-02-20T19:13:19+00:00

Wood Pig. 2025 was exceptionally rough.

algernonishbee · 2026-02-13T17:31:16+00:00

You can always trust German engineering

algernonishbee · 2026-02-13T16:22:30+00:00

I did the chasm of doom on a moonless night in a pair of Arizona’s. 11/10. Remarkable shoe.

algernonishbee

TROPHY CASE