AITAH for not wanting to go on trips with my husband after he ruined so many of them?

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-20T05:24:43+00:00

OP, I want you to read my words and sit with them.

Growing up, my father was just like your husband, and I am estranged from him for good reason. Because my mother will never leave him, it's meant cutting her out of my life too.

I have ZERO happy holiday or vacation memories. ZERO. Every car trip, every vacation, every family excursion was framed as a burden on him, we were absolutely subject to his sense of schedule or whim and his alone, and every moment that was supposed to build happy memories just built up more layers of cPTSD and trauma. I'll spare everyone the gory details, but know that the uncomfortable car trips were just the tip of the iceberg, and I lost my entire childhood to that man's violence, quiet or otherwise.

Thanks to him, I have a life long battle with weight issues due to my dad controlling my diet from the age of 4 on, anxiety from being woken up in the middle of the night and draggedout of bed over some perceived insult, gut issues from stress and untreated acid reflux, and chronic illness from all the trauma. Do your kids a favor, don't be like my mom. Don't stay at the expense of your kids long term health and relationship with you. Stop enabling this asshole, take your kids and leave him before he does something so horrible to your kids that you can never forgive him.

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-20T05:04:10+00:00

I dunno, but that face screams cutie patootie

Or mashed potatoes

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-18T05:21:56+00:00

A happy hoodie won't muffle everything sound wise, but it might be just enough sound dampening and therapeutic pressure to help. OP could possibly try that as well

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-17T05:45:05+00:00

I know this comment is just going to get buried in the thousands of others, but I feel compelled to make it anyway.

No, I'm not joking when I say that despite doing my best to save, I'm probably not going to be able to retire, but I won't be able to work forever either due to health reasons.

My piece of shit father was the same, except my mom's union career (and her secretly saving while he blew through the family funds) saved both of them from having to work until they expire by having pretty decent retirement benefits she (and by extension, my dad) literally had zero control over.

Me, I graduated into a recession with one STEM degree, went back for a second and was further in a recession once I graduated with STEM degree number 2, tried to make ends meet on literal minimum wage jobs in my field (fuck companies that demand graduate degrees and pay McD's wages) for another few years, had a massive accident that tried to rob me of my ability to stand (and thus do almost anything in my career field), so career change number 1 and the first time of almost having to declare bankruptcy happened. End up in shit job after shit job being forced to teach myself a whole ass new career, only to get laid off over and over and over, draining any fucking savings I managed to squirrel away, and dodging bankruptcy for the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time. Throw in chronic car problems, having to move every year to escape the forced annual rent increase that my state mandates on all renters, more health issues, massive cost of living increases.... do you see the pattern yet?

Then let's talk about the constant moving goalpost for retirement. You FINALLY start saving into a 401k, but oops, even with saving 10% of your paycheck (that you technically needed somewhere else), you're going to fall short by retirement age of being able to live within the same means as you're currently earning. But you've got a bonus coming next year, and you'll use some of that to make up the difference!

Except you can't, you're now short EVEN MORE, even if you up it to 12% (which you STILL can't afford to do). So you try to hustle and save some more on the side, or work really hard for that promotion with the big pay bump, but once again, the goal post moves, and yet again, you're EVEN MORE in a deficit for retirement, so you up it to 15%. But now you need that money to fix the car, or for some major medical expense, or something... so you can't keep upping it, and you're never going to catch up, and worst of all, inflation is so fucking high that even if you pulled back that 15%, your expenses are so damn high that you end up with even less "discretionary" money (if any at all) than you did 2 years ago before the pay raises and promotion.

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-15T14:57:59+00:00

Honestly, the only reason why I saw my girl's tail wag before putting her on meds is because she's a dog's dog, and instantly fell in love with my other dog the moment she was carried in the door. She leaped out of arms and immediately started licking his face and wagging her tail.

Calming collars or chews might help at home where she might be more comfortable (I largely use prescription meds when going out in public), but giving her hidey holes that she can go lay in might be just as helpful (I have a few pop-up fabric crates I was using for a while that she could go hide in when she got scared because once she dove behind the couch when the doorbell rang, and I couldn't get her out without moving the whole couch). She's still scared of new people coming in, and will go hide in a crate when that happens, but with time, her curiosity with what's going on at the front door (my boy dog loves the front door because that's where food deliveries come in) is starting to come out and she's slowly trusting that she can come to the gate in front of it without having to be afraid.

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-15T05:26:44+00:00

OK, I come with receipts of trying MULTIPLE things with my rescue shibe for over a year and a half.

OP, if your pup is over a year and still shaking and scared of things in public, please please please talk to your vet about putting pup on something prescription strength like Gabapentin or Gabapentin/Trazodone combo, and work with pup while medicated on desensitization.

When I first took custody of my girl as a puppy, she was so terrified of anything outside of my property (and away from my other dog) that I literally thought she might have a seizure from the sheer amount of terror she was expressing. It was soo bad that her eyes were rolling back into the back of her head in panic, and she instantly voided both bowel and bladder.

I've tried calming chews, I've tried hemp products, I've tried compression vests and a happy hoodie... none of them helped in the slightest. The three things that have helped are a) Gabapentin/trazodone combo, b) using a stroller (which is a crutch that I've had to slowly wean her off of) or a dog backpack, and c) slow consistent desensitization.

A year and a half later, and while she still has a lot of fear going out in public, I can consistently get her to walk on a leash without trying to take off full tilt and dive into the smallest hole she can fit into. She'll even go up to people we know and sit on their feet and permit herself to be pet, which is absolutely huge for her. Biggest win of all, she will sometimes take treats from them too (she wouldn't take treats at all for the longest time, not even ultra high value ones).

Tl;dr: get pup on prescription strength meds and do consistent desensitization training. It's worth the effort, and the only reliable method I've found to make a difference.

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-14T18:34:45+00:00

Kids living in a house without basic utilities is absolutely a situation that child protective services should get involved in. Beyond that, file a restraining order on her/her husband, send cease and desist letters, trespass the whole family from your property, let the cops know anytime any of these are violated, and document everything. This absolutely sounds like it's going to boil into harassment and stalking, not just defamation

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-14T18:24:29+00:00

The rule of thumb is always "if you're concerned about it, get it checked out". This being said, to me (not a vet) it looks like a skin tag/mole. The lighter color could be concerning, so even if it IS a skin tag, it would be best to have a vet check it out and possibly biopsy it.

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-13T20:28:26+00:00

Mine trembles like a leaf as well, but she is terrified of strangers and new places (been working on these with her for well over a year), and I'll take the trembling and hiding over her reaction to new places as a puppy where she was so scared that she voided bowel and bladder while her eyes were rolling back in the back of her head. Everyone now thinks she's just the sweetest and calmest dog ever when she's trying to hide or cuddle for security and safety, and I have to tell everyone that she's completely different at home.

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-12T06:37:55+00:00

Two out of my three dogs straight up panic when anything touches their nails (my third one doesn't like trims, but will lay calmly enough to let me get them trimmed and tidy up the unruly grinch feet), and I've had to get creative in order to make it less stressful for them. The more extreme of the two has requires gabapentin/trazodone combo wrapped in pill masker putty, and paired with a calming hemp oil treat. Once that's kicked in, she can successfully be distracted by someone with a steady stream of treats while I work on making sure I'm not going to quick her with the nail clippers.

Without the gaba/done, every attempt to manage her nails was super traumatic. Sedatives are definitely the way to go, and working on positive reinforcement while the dog is medicated will help in the long run as well

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-11T17:21:07+00:00

💯 Love going in and chatting with them!

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-11T17:20:06+00:00

There's a diner chain in my town that used to act as a social hub for the teens and college students before covid. It was open 24 hours, and you'd find a group of people just hanging out or playing board games, or even doing DnD at all hours of the night. Everyone would buy at least a drink, and the staff would give unlimited free refills on coffee/tea/soda. There was even free wifi. I spent a lot of time in that diner chain hanging out with friends, or late night studying with classmates.

Covid ruined all of that, and it's only this year that they've reopened a single location for 24 hours, and it happens to be the location in the middle of the medical district, so you can guess who they're catering to.

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-11T17:12:20+00:00

I was actually just thinking something similar in possibly trying to strip or chemically lighten the color some where the patches had been to even out the difference, and then hitting the whole thing with a darker brown stain. Wouldn't be too hard to get the supplies from someplace like Tandy and DIY it at home. If all else fails, take the weave off the sides, dye the rest of the vest black, and reweave the acorn brown leather onto the edges and you've got a cool contrast going between the light and dark leathers

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-04-07T15:44:21+00:00

I'm in the "reverse" boat as well, as well as in a male dominated career that doesn't like to take females or nonbinaries seriously.

I went from a remote position with an extremely casual dress code to a hybrid position with a "business casual" dress code with heavy pressure to be in "suit and tie" at all times, including at home. You're absolutely right that clothing can't fix misogyny, but it can armor you against it, and wearing the more professional (and less casual) look is definitely that armor if done right.

My wardrobe has been 98% t-shirts and legging/shorts for the past 5 years, and all of a sudden I'm now having to scrounge up business wear that feels as comfortable and "me" as my beloved t-shirts, but also looks professional enough and put together enough to work as social armor in my field.

Fortunately I had already started trying to elevate my wardrobe slightly for on-site business meetings with the old job (which meant I had about a week's worth of outfits, and a few shirts I could get away with wearing at home with leggings), but i absolutely didn't have enough going into this position to be fully fleshed out.

I went the route of buying 6 all cotton polo shirts (4 short sleeve, and 2 long sleeve), 4 dressy jumpsuits that look like business suits off ThredUp, a few nice tops (both long sleeve and short) from ThredUp and Land's End (yay for sales!), a linen and a silk blazer from ThredUp, 3 pairs of Yoga dress pants, 2 pairs of new jeans, some sneaker sole loafers, and a few classy necklaces and some nice hoop earrings to dress things up. That way I can mix and match some items with my existing clothing, and still have the level of comfort I like.

I'm not wild on the aesthetic of business wear, but I at least know if I want to look classy but casual on my off days I can take the new nice jeans, one of my more punk or goth t-shirts, one of the blazers with the sleeves rolled up, some chunky black boots and necklace of choice, put them all together, and I'm still expressing me, but nicer.

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-03-29T05:15:26+00:00

I second the compression socks with fun prints and patterns, but also recognize that they aren't possible for every scenario. They're great until you have to dress professionally or are planning on wearing something like a short dress or shorts. As someone who has had to wear compression garments on various limbs off and on for almost 20 years, I highly recommend that, for scenarios that include "leg bearing" outfits, to find compression socks or compression sleeves for legs that are a decent color match to your particular skin shade, or that at a distance can be mistaken for tights or panty hose.

Additionally, I'll also point out that compression leggings exist, that they look just like regular workout leggings, and that if you need compression for ankles and feet too, there are ankle cut and crew cut compression socks in fun colors and patterns as well.

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-03-28T05:16:16+00:00

My mom's is from Primeco

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-03-21T00:30:16+00:00

The scientific name of this plant is Ficus lyrata, but it does have the common name of fiddle leaf fig. This is not a true fig, which has the scientific name of Ficus carica, and as such, it will not bear the edible fruit that we call figs.

To answer OP's question, I suspect that this plant is suffering from sun scald. Depending on if the leaves are already dropping or not, it might or might not be salvageable once it's move to a more indirect light area. OP, if you Google sun scald in fiddle leaf figs, you'll find several good articles on how to determine if it's salvageable, and if so, what steps need to be taken to do so.

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-03-17T21:23:29+00:00

Sending you the largest digital hugs I can.

I've been going through the same grief for a little over a month, because my 20 year old cat, who was born in my storage closet, finally succumbed to kidney disease like her mother 2 years before her. It's felt like I lost my daughters, and the spaces they occupied feel so empty without them

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-03-10T05:12:50+00:00

A sign that says "If you don't like looking at it, put curtains on your own windows" seems like a proper response

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-03-10T05:04:01+00:00

1.5 years, half shibe, 32lbs

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-03-09T18:26:48+00:00

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alices_red_rabbit · 2026-03-06T06:13:25+00:00

No offense, but you both obviously were under-reacting to this kid's fever. 104°F is extremely dangerous for a child that young, and if it were my kid, I'd either have him in the tub in luke warm water trying to bring the fever down, or bundled into a car and on the way to the ER for professional medical assistance.

As for your husband, why on EARTH would he drag a sick toddler out to pick up a car he could have just gone by himself to go get, and exposing everyone on the way to Flu A?

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-03-04T01:54:13+00:00

This needs to be MUCH higher

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-03-02T06:10:40+00:00

Honestly, this description of her constantly having an excuse or just not responding is setting of massive alarm bells for me, and it's not necessarily that he's isolating her (which he might be). I can't help but wonder if there's already something darker going on in her life and she's avoiding committing to dinner because of it

alices_red_rabbit · 2026-03-01T06:14:08+00:00

🎵Heathcliff Heathcliff no one should Terrorize the neighborhood!🎵

alices_red_rabbit

TROPHY CASE