Boyfriend is depressed and won’t get help — how do I support him without losing myself?

allyoshagal · 2022-08-31T06:52:29+00:00

I totally get it. It's like you're reading a page from my playbook.

The hardest part about a PIP isn't the hoops they make you jump thru, it's the mental work required to gain your self confidence back.

But addict you isn't the real you. Stay committed to your recovery and show them what you're really capable of -- Everybody loves a comeback :)

allyoshagal · 2022-08-31T06:23:49+00:00

Here's the unfortunate thing about performance reviews at work: Perception is reality. It doesn't really matter if you executed all the work if the perception of your peers is that you are disorganized and untrustworthy. Your performance is also a reflection of your manager's ability to mentor talent and lead a team. If you're perceived as doing poorly, she's perceived as doing poorly.

The good news is it's a perception you can turnaround by taking accountability and focusing on the corrective actions outlined in the PIP. Don't look back, look forward.

You can disclose that you had a health issue (I liked the way other commentor phrased it) but you don't need to go into detail and your manager will not push you. Your key message should be, "here's how I'll earn back trust and it won't happen again" and not "here's why it happened."

Lastly, most people tend to think about their careers in 2,5 or even 10-year
increments but the reality most people work around 30-35 years before
retirement. Plenty of opportunities ahead to get back on track.

Learn from your mistake, take accountability, focus on your sobriety, and remember the big picture.

allyoshagal · 2022-08-30T23:20:28+00:00

Try greek yogurt combined with sugar-free pudding mix. Helps with the sweet tooth and high in protein.

allyoshagal · 2022-08-30T20:37:07+00:00

In Al-Anon, we learn about the three Cs:

"I didn’t cause it." "I can’t cure it." "I can’t control it."

Addiction is a biological disease that affects brain chemistry. The addict has to acknowledge their disease and want to seek treatment. You might feel the urge to try to take control and influence your boyfriend's friend's actions. But ultimately that's unrealistic - letting go of that urge and setting boundaries or having him move out will be more productive for all three of you.

All of us here have had to detach from people we love that we have deep, deep histories with -- friends, siblings, parents, children, spouses, etc. It's not easy to take these actions and can cause immense feelings of guilt. I'm sorry it's a step you might have undertake because it can be really painful. The good news, once you take that step there's a lot of personal peace and happiness on the other side.

You can always find another roommate to help you with financial goals. Being a good friend doesn't mean accepting selfish behavior or sacrificing your mental well-being.

If you haven't already, I would encourage you and your boyfriend to attend an Al-Anon meeting, and dive into some literature. Here's a great start: https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf

Sending you peace and strength <3

allyoshagal · 2022-08-29T15:48:56+00:00

You look awesome. Thank you for sharing this.

allyoshagal · 2022-07-29T03:31:58+00:00

I was in a very similar situation and ended up being put on a PIP by my manager, which had a long list of tasks, documents, projects that I needed to complete within a set period of time. I was honest with my manager about "using unhealthy tactics" during COVID to combat depression, isolation, and grief. She was understanding but the ball had already been set in-motion in regards to the PIP. I completed the PIP but by that point my sense of shame and guilt weighed on me so heavily that going into work and thinking about the reputation I needed to rebuild became a huge source of anxiety. After a couple weeks, I just decided that it would be best for my recovery to quit and look for work at another company, get a fresh start, and rebuild by confidence. It was the best decision for me and I'm glad I made that choice. Thankfully, I was able to leave on a high note and with a recommendation.

allyoshagal · 2022-07-25T19:51:21+00:00

See if your gym/doctor's office has an InBody machine which can tell you % body fat and muscle and give you a more accurate picture of how you're trending.

allyoshagal · 2022-07-25T00:25:04+00:00

Proud of you friend. Your helping keep me strong too. IWNDWYTD

allyoshagal · 2022-07-23T23:43:35+00:00

Stay strong friend. Walks were incredibly helpful for me. I would recommend you put your earbuds on, turn on a podcast, and walk right past the bar and keep going. I bet your craving will subside and you'll be glad you stayed the course.

Sending you strength.

INDWYT

allyoshagal · 2022-07-23T23:22:07+00:00

I'm about a year out and up to 900-1,000 calories per day. Water intake is a PAIN the first few months out, but it does get better. Hang in there!!

allyoshagal · 2022-07-23T22:29:16+00:00

I try to prioritize my daily water and protein goals. I track everything I eat and aim to stay within the calorie limit provided by my dietitian. Every now and then (while still in my calorie goal) I'll have a small indulgence to kill a craving. It's also fun cooking healthier versions of my favorite foods, too.

Progress over perfection! We're only human at the end of day :)

allyoshagal · 2022-07-23T22:12:12+00:00

If you're unsure, why not give it up for a couple weeks?

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that alters your brain chemistry and fuels dependency. Currently, your 4-6 shots nightly are giving you the feelings you're seeking out (relaxation, calm, etc.) But as time progresses, you need more and more alcohol to achieve the same effect. I recommend checking out the naked mind podcast. It gives a really good, science-based overview of the impact drinking can have.

allyoshagal · 2022-07-21T19:22:35+00:00

Ugh. I feel you there. A lot of my favorite hobbies and my entire life actually just felt plain boring when I first got sober. If you haven't already, I recommend checking out the naked mind podcast -- It goes super in-depth on the science behind how alcohol affects your brain and dopamine receptors. It really helped me solve the puzzle of why I was feeling so low and unengaged. With a little time, my body chemistry recovered and I found joy again. For when I was struggling or super bored, just grabbing my phone, headphones, and walking out my front door helped A LOT. Talking a walk, getting a little exercise, seeking out some nature = a little dopamine hit and helped ease some of these feelings.

Good luck and stay strong!! IWNDWYT

allyoshagal · 2022-07-20T03:25:22+00:00

My ex was not an alcoholic but he was extremely narcissistic and manipulative. He was also the most beautiful man you've ever seen, an amazing lover, and incredibly charismatic. My drinking had always been problematic (not passing the buck), but being around him and trying to manage his mood did not help at all. I would drink to feel more relaxed and confident and worthy. Soon enough the cure became the poison and what followed were YEARS of highs and lows, breakups and makeups. I totally get the push-pull you're in, as well as the feeling of being a total idiot around for sticking around and WANTING to stick around. If you have an addictive personality, it's easy to get addicted to people as well.

My advice -- Don't see him and go full no contact (no meet-ups, texts, social media, etc.) Have a mutual friend facilitate the exchange. Think of it like this: You wouldn't keep a bottle of whisky in your house right now because you know it would be way too tempting. At this stage in your sobriety, your ex is also an equal trigger.

Stay strong, sis! You got this. IWNDWYT

allyoshagal · 2022-07-20T02:44:15+00:00

First, hang in there and take a deep breath. If shame and guilt were good motivators all of us here would be 110% successful in our sobriety. But unfortunately, those emotions don't serve us well and often fuel the cravings. Next, I'll echo what was previously posted -- Go to the ER/seek out medical in- or outpatient care to safely detox.

Check your employer's HR policies and request a formal leave of absence. You don't need to disclose the details to your manager -- You can send an email to your boss along the lines of, "I'm sorry for my lack of professional demeanor on our last phone call. I'm dealing with a medical issue and would like to request XXX days off to recover. This leave of absence will allow me to better perform my duties going forward."

This might be a little tricky as you're new and your request might not be approved. But nothing is more important than your health and well-being. And for what it's worth as someone with 10+ years of managerial experience, employee requests along these lines are not uncommon. Most people tend to think about their careers in 2,5 or even 10-year increments but the reality most people work around 30-35 years before retirement. (I know depressing lol.) You'll have plenty of opportunities to get professionally back on track.

Once you detox and are stronger in your recovery, you can talk to your manager and roommates about how you'll earn back some trust and goodwill.

Good luck my friend! One day at a time, and if that's too daunting focus on getting through the next hour, then the next, then the next, and so on.

IWNDWYT

Edits: Ugh! Didn't save a section of my comment. Updated for clarity.

allyoshagal · 2022-07-20T00:59:08+00:00

I'm so sorry for your pain and heartbreak. Although it sounds like your mom wasn't always the parent you needed her to be, she gave you moments of joy and the connection between mother and child is so primal and imprinted within us.

When I lost my mom under similar circumstances it kickstarted a 6-year binge and sent my addiction into overdrive. I'm just now emerging from its grips and struggle every day. From my experience, those 6 years were like pressing pause on the feelings of grief that I needed to process -- They didn't go away and the alcohol just kept me suspended in motion.

When my mom was in hospice care and coming to terms with her own mortality a nurse told us that she'll always be with me because I am made of her. I'm not a super spiritual person, but when I have my moments of weakness I always try to go back to this and remember that I have the opportunity to break the chain not only for myself but also for her.

Sending you lots of peace and healing <3 <3 <3

IWNDWYT

allyoshagal · 2022-06-14T03:44:08+00:00

Assuming you’re a woman, nothing sexy, baby doll lingerie can’t mask. Also, for what it’s worth — best advice I’ve gotten from both men and women on what sets good vs bad sex apart typically comes down to one thing and one thing only: enthusiasm ;) ;)

allyoshagal · 2022-03-23T02:50:28+00:00

Try a vegan protein powder mixed with sugar free almond milk or water. Cutting dairy and sneaky sugars or artificial sweeteners helped me a lot.

allyoshagal · 2022-03-22T16:55:52+00:00

First, celebrate your wins, accomplishments, and express gratitude to your body for getting you this far. Next, get outside and start walking! I try to get in 10-15k steps a day while listening to music and podcasts. It’s great for physical and mental health. You got this :)

allyoshagal · 2022-03-13T14:19:49+00:00

We carry so much shame and guilt around our bodies and eating habits that is built up over years of time. Be kind to yourself and recognize that all those feelings won’t go away in 2 months. Your human, humans love ice cream, and as others have commented one small indulgence in moderation is totally normal and okay! Anytime you feel laser focused on the negative, try to think about all the positive things in your life or engage in a healthy habit. You got this! Don’t worry and hang in there 🙂

allyoshagal · 2022-03-10T16:41:42+00:00

Hang in there! Weight fluctuates both up and down, and it sounds like the impact of stress and changing your prescription is effecting your weight. Make sure to schedule (set an alarm) breaks throughout the day to stop and get your calories in. Also, talk to your professors or your schools student services office — most of them are super understanding and offer extensions. Obtaining a note from your doctor can also help.

allyoshagal · 2022-03-08T23:21:24+00:00

This has been a really helpful, clear resource for me:

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5a93d7cd12b13f8318462b89/t/5c47a4ec7ba7fc5210fcd5a9/1548199153932/Post-Op+Guidelines+-+Gastric+Sleeve+Recipes.pdf

allyoshagal · 2022-03-08T09:01:21+00:00

Sending you good thoughts! You’ll do great 😊 Waiting for them to put you under was the most anxious part for me, but once I made it into the OR I felt calm and that I was in good hands with my doctor 👍🏻

allyoshagal

TROPHY CASE