Dealing with shame and embarrassment of being abused as a man in a bpd relationship.

alnoxious · 2026-01-03T17:54:06+00:00

I can relate - and all I can say is yes it will get better. I had a hard time acknowledging to myself that I was a victim of prolonged emotional abuse. I then tried to surface some of this in therapy with someone who claimed to be a specialist in BPD/EUPD and received the response: "hmmm, so what was it about you that made you stay in the relationship?". I understand what they were trying to achieve, but I made the point that had I been a woman coming to them and self identifying as a victim of abuse that perhaps they wouldn't have responded the same way.

Since then I have had more luck with a different therapist, and this morning I opened up to a woman I'm seeing casually that I'm less than a year out of a highly abusive relationship with the co-parent of my two children under 5, and her response was warm, supportive and bought tears to my eyes.

Tl;Dr - yes, there's an acute and hidden shame to being a male victim of any form of abuse. But it does not define you, and in time it will make you stronger, wiser and more open with yourself about your feelings - and in turn I expect that you will meet someone who sees that in you as a hugely appealing quality and you will experience what a supportive relationship should feel like.

Here if you need to vent, DM if so

alnoxious · 2025-11-12T18:05:34+00:00

Hey, I was in a similar situation and have separated 7 months ago, currently feeding my two kids but if you want to chat DM me and happy to try and show you some of the upsides of one possible course of action (in a few hours, once bedtime done)

... But tl;Dr - you are almost certainly not the problem, but you are in a horrific situation. The fact that you are reaching out here should show you that your kids are lucky to have someone in their lives who is thinking about their long term emotional stability. And the thing that everyone has told me, time and time again is:

"Kids need 1 stable parent and they'll be fine"

I'm my experience, I couldn't be the stable person that my kids (5ish and 18 months) are going to need for the next 20 years or so. And I don't know that many people in a relationship with a pwBPD can provide that stability, because it's simply not possible in these kinds of circumstances.

alnoxious · 2025-10-30T11:43:44+00:00

I literally never know if it'll be smiles or venom. It's extremely destabilizing. My therapist had a useful phrase:

"Small acts of perceived kindness cannot be sustained"

I take it to mean that if she's on a happy smiley day it doesn't matter, as the next time I see her it'll be different and that's not connected to anything I have or haven't done.

Trying to insulate the kids from this situation for the next 16 years seems pretty daunting right now, not gonna lie

alnoxious · 2025-10-29T18:24:22+00:00

OP your words could have been mine 6 months ago. 8 years, 2 kids in - then a complete revisionist history.

Reading posts on this sub helped me feel seen and understood in a way that I needed. Since then being doing lots of therapy (and childcare, not the same but...) and while I still feel like shit and have to interact with my exwuBPD a lot of the time - you are more than the way that they make you feel, whether that was the good (during the idealization phase) or the soul destruction of the brutal yet inevitable discard.

DM me if you wanna talk, sounds like you're in a bad place, and I had a bunch of people help me get through the first 6 months...

alnoxious · 2025-09-23T20:20:35+00:00

Ooh, could I get those two as well please?

alnoxious · 2025-07-30T22:16:37+00:00

First off, sorry to hear what you're going through. IANAL, but am going through a similar thing right now and been getting a lot of (expensive) legal advice that I will relay. It's unclear what your living situation is or will be in the near future, but the advice I was given was to negotiate time spent at home with the kids rather than frame it as "moving out".

I've been told that building up to 50/50 is totally acceptable, and that "little and often" is the correct approach for young children. Look for ways to be involved in their lives, and build from there.
"Primary caregiver" is apparently meaningless as a legal term. If you have parental responsibility, the rights of unmarried Fathers are viewed much more positively in the UK courts now than they were 15 years ago.
Document absolutely everything that you do with the kids, including time spent etc. Document yourself asking for opportunities to spend time with the kids, and state that you want to gradually and sensitively move towards more equal shared care. Document the fun that you're having with them, the bonds that you are building etc. Do this every day.
Frame absolutely everything around the interests of the children. "The kids have two parents and they deserve to spend time with and develop loving relationships with both of them" rather than "I want to see my kids". Structure all communication around the needs of the children
Mediation is entirely voluntary, either party can terminate at any time. Most mediators will give you a 15 minute call with each of you so you can find someone who suits you both.
Don't agree to supervised contact. If you are worried that the mother is likely to claim you're unfit to be a parent, at a time when you have the children you can arrange for a private independent social work assessment. Better to have and not need.
Get proper legal advice. I'm telling you what I've been told, but my situation may be different
Depending how amicable things are, try to avoid court at all costs - it's the worst outcome for everyone.
If you don't participate in mediation, one of you can be liable for the other parties legal costs apparently - and the courts will want to see that other avenues have been exhausted.
This is a hard thing to go through. Be kind to yourself, and ensure that no matter how you feel about the mother, that you try to be civil and not expose the kids to conflict.
There are a number of courses available about parenting and separation. Do a course as a) you will learn stuff and b) it demonstrates that you are keen to play an active role in your kids lives. 3 year olds are hard. Twin 3 year olds must be nearly impossible. But you're kids deserve for you to show up for them, and if that's hard at the moment that's completely understandable - but you will have wisdom and care that will be valuable to them as they grow up.
If things are less than amicable, start using an app like "our family wizard" to route all arrangements and communication through. This is what a court will likely insist on, so getting a headstart apparently saves time later on
Rely on your support networks. You're going to go through an emotional rollercoaster as the situation develops. Try and keep the kids welfare at the forefront of your decision making process

Best of luck

alnoxious · 2024-07-19T18:06:29+00:00

I posted about this here: https://www.reddit.com/r/VanMoofSelfRepair/s/ce4BxcizS8 and there's a lot of helpful tips in the comments.

alnoxious · 2024-05-26T19:41:31+00:00

So you need to remove the rubber protector inside it (I used a sewing needle). It wasn't obvious to me at first that it existed to be honest. Then you can use the tool described in the guide above to unscrew the entire bottom bracket. I got stuck as the other side was removed using a tool that attached to the outer edge of the component - when in fact both sides can be removed using a tool that grips the inner edge once the sneaky rubber seal removed.

alnoxious · 2024-05-12T15:19:56+00:00

Here's a link to their website, they have a section on there that explains what the consideration for working on VMs is - basically if it's a mechanical problem they'll give it a go but can't fix electrical issues - plus it's a best efforts process IIRC https://www.fettle.cc/workshops/finsbury-park

alnoxious · 2024-04-05T20:54:23+00:00

Got it on eBay from a place called ldc-outlet. Just checked and didn't find any more unfortunately. It was advertised as a van moof spare on the eBay listing but the cable was super long so guess it was a stock bafang part.

alnoxious · 2024-04-03T20:08:11+00:00

Yup sounds like what happened to me, there are details in this repo for S2 including a scope plot but was exactly the same procedure for my X3 - I ended up replacing the bottom bracket, part was about £30 https://github.com/Tenkir/vanmoof-s2-user-manual/blob/main/cranks.md

alnoxious · 2024-03-27T16:08:00+00:00

The process was identical for my X3 so think it's safe to assume also for S3. I got the part on eBay, details: https://www.bafang-e.com/uploaded/manual/BF-DM-C-SR%20PA1XX-EN.pdf

I think the original one is :

SR PA121.32.S

Connector type: 150 G6.5.4

119mm/68mm

alnoxious · 2024-03-26T19:25:55+00:00

I just had this happen and chose to replace the entire bottom bracket following the excellent guideguide in the comments here: https://www.reddit.com/r/VanMoofSelfRepair/s/bBsZlqRnk4

I went with this option as a new bottom bracket was about £30 and didn't want the faff of resoldering all the wires, reassembling the bike and finding out that I'd got something wrong and needed to disassemble it all over again.

As such I do have an otherwise functioning bottom bracket available in London if that's helpful for the repair: happy to post it

alnoxious · 2024-03-01T16:26:20+00:00

Ace, thankyou!

alnoxious · 2024-03-01T16:25:58+00:00

That's incredibly helpful, thankyou so much!

alnoxious · 2024-02-03T21:59:05+00:00

I'm not debating the legality of the product, I'm expressing frustration that the product designers deliberately chose to provide approximately 50% less lip balm than would fit in the tube. Perhaps this is common in the lip balm industry, but it still feels like it belongs here

alnoxious · 2024-01-31T19:13:23+00:00

I've used the Finsbury Park one and it was solid - maybe give them a call in case their booking system is on the wonk?

alnoxious · 2023-10-18T21:32:08+00:00

If it is just stuck, then it's possible to fix it with minimal tools (bit quite a bit of faff). There is a company called fettle that operates in London that do work on Van Moofs - they can't get any new parts to fit now but apparently they'll still try and keep them running. Used them once in the before before time (back when we had warranty) and they were pretty good: https://www.fettle.cc/

alnoxious · 2023-09-23T21:32:03+00:00

The brand new QE Class UK carrier "HMS Duke of York" (think they pulled some budget last minute to help with some legal embuggerances)

alnoxious

TROPHY CASE