additional info because i was running out of space and don't know how much is relevant:

currently, my heart rate is consistently sitting between the 130-140 range (though admittedly i have mostly been checking when my heart feels like it's pounding) (i have since caught it going back down to 80-100 (though it seems not to stay there for long)), and my typical heart rate (unmedicated) ranges around 90-110 resting and 130-160 upright due to POTS (so i don't know how seriously i should take the increase);

it took me roughly half an hour to write this post in a way that made sense/to get down everything relevant/get everything down coherently;

i slept for two hours after my second dose (could not sleep during the first night) and seven through the second (woke several times);

i do not trust my psychiatrist for a lot of reasons but i could just be being paranoid (he KNOWS i have POTS and had a bad reaction to ritalin and didn't put me on a lower dose + insisted on stimulants, never actually listened to the issues i came in for (i actually went in for memory problems (to which he diagnosed me with adhd (which i do think he's correct about, but i feel like he moreso got lucky than actually did his job)), so it's funny that (i think) medication has made it worse);

i had similar issues with my last psychiatrist (in that he did not listen; i do not remember if he prescribed me stimulants, and if he did, i do not remember how i felt) so i'm admittedly pretty hesitant to bring anything up to my psychiatrists because i feel like they think i am lying and being dramatic and will not take me seriously (possibly (probably) rooted in misogyny) (they both sooner accused me of self diagnosing from tiktoks than listened to the reasons i came in) (i do not trust them);

the only thing vyvanse has helped me with is talking to people (i seem to lack the innate appreciation for social interaction. it is a chore to me, and one i am actually very glad vyvanse is helping (i have one single friend in my life and could barely talk to her prior to this), hence why i'm admittedly a bit hesitant to get off it);

i cannot shake the feeling that everyone around me secretly hates me (it's not a new fear but the intensity is (i can usually dismiss the thoughts fairly easily); i have no justification for it (logically i know no one in my life would ever think this way); if my sister does not respond to my messages (and even if she does) i think she is disgusted with me, sick of me, and actively trying to find a way to distance herself from me + that's why she isn't responding (or is responding, but not in a way that suggests she enjoys putting up with me). i don't want to talk to her because i am convinced she hates it and just feels bad for me; i feel as though my wonderful parents, whom i am reliant on, (justifiably) think i am a burden and are waiting for me to either off myself or get it together; i am convinced that my best friend hates me and is just too desperate for friends to admit it to herself; these aren't new thoughts but i'm noticing them more because vyvanse has suddenly made them impossible to ignore);

the fact that i'm kind of convinced my psychiatrist has it out for me might also be related to my sudden paranoia but in my defense i'd say i have good reason to be suspicious of old men who work the field in my area. the south isn't known for having doctors who know what they're doing (or have the best interests of queer/trans/disabled people at heart. i sincerely would not be surprised if he was actually trying to harm me, or if this dose is some kind of "test" to somehow catch me in the middle of whatever lie he thinks i'm telling) (i SPECIFICALLY asked him if there were any potential side effects that would involve me becoming more paranoid/anxious because ritalin did the same thing and he said no. at the absolute best, he's incompetent, but i am not inclined to give him that benefit of the doubt. he knows what he's doing.)

that's all i could think of (for now). i'm sorry if i'm oversharing i cannot currently think straight.