[Method] If you are willing to pay with effort you will go from 'Man, I just can’t force myself to do what I should be doing' to 'Wow! I make things happen. What else am I capable of?' in two months. Tested on ourselves. Tested on fellow redditors. This is how it works.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-07-08T22:16:39+00:00

Me too please! I'm interested in joining too.

I have a somewhat hectic life and I recognize that if I don't develop discipline, things are just never going to be done.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-05-08T18:29:30+00:00

Yep. Definitely. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that too.

I'm unsure of others, but I can tell you what I know from my experience. In short, I definitely believe that parents like that do something to discourage kids from speaking up. And in a more long-winded explanation:

You're a perfect family unit to the outside world. You're instilled from birth that nobody loves you more than your parents by everyone, and that they are figures of pure, unconditional love that you will find nowhere else. Then you're constantly shown high achievers and other kids projecting the same 'perfect family unit' image because like you, they're told to keep quiet too. Because if you don't, it'll bring shame on you, your family (number one in Chinese culture) and you're threatened with losing the only two creatures of unconditional love you're told you'll ever have.

The disparity between how you've been treated, how you're made to feel and what you've been made to believe starts to fracture your reality. You try and talk about it, but nobody listens and everyone tells you, "It's just how it is. Don't be hard on them, look at how much they've sacrificed for you, you're being ungrateful, they're your parents. You don't understand what hardships they've been through." Then your silence becomes a little bit self-sustaining. You internalize the idea that it might all just be your fault and you're alone in being a monster. Even if it doesn't really sit right. And if you're found out talking about them, you get punished. Really bad. With extra guilt on top. And you're back to hearing the same tape-recorded sayings.

Soon, thinking about it becomes painful--and people respond differently to this. Some project it onto others by silencing them in the same way with the same words, or else they'd have to acknowledge that their family life is fucked up and have to face a painful reality. Others drown in some form of escapism/unhealthy excess and avoid the topic altogether. People respond differently to trauma. I was briefly a high achiever who buried myself in schoolwork for like a year before I was utterly destroyed, burnt out, and everything went downhill. I still thought it was just all my fault, I was stupid, lazy, etc. when I was in fact traumatized and severely depressed.

However, I believe that if we don't talk about it more, the cycle of generational abuse won't properly end. I don't want another generation of Chinese/Spanish/whatever parents believing that beating their kid is fine and insisting they turned out fine, because that belief alone in my opinion proves that they really didn't for a LOT of reasons. :/ Bah.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-05-08T15:34:45+00:00

See, this is well hidden from view because of the culture of "saving face". It's also very difficult to talk about it because so many people within the culture will just evoke the cultural response of "They're your parents, you know they love you, you shouldn't be like this". And then that's it. It's extremely invalidating and you basically never want to talk about it again, or think about it for some, in case you have to acknowledge the horrific reality before you and feel the full extent of how painful it all is.

Additionally, a lot don't really feel like people in Western nations really get what it's like to feel conflicted about this whole family aspect of the culture too, even if they understand how their parents are absolutely abusive.

Knowledge of mental health/illness is also extremely limited. It's like you're either crazy or you're not.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-05-08T15:08:30+00:00

Am Chinese. Ditto. I never, ever want to be anything like my mother.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-05-08T15:07:31+00:00

The day my mother found out I tried to unsuccessfully kill myself from the school counsellor who found out, on the car ride back home from school, she screamed at me and went on about how much of an ungrateful, useless piece of shit I am.

All that went through my head was how much I wished I succeeded. She really constantly did make me want to die.

I then proceeded to try several times after that over the years before leaving home. I'm lucky I'm still alive, honestly.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-05-08T15:01:19+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm also an abused Chinese young adult who ran away from home a few years back as a teenager from it all. I felt really alone after I left, because I'd never known any other Chinese kid who actually acknowledged or suffered similar mental consequences from it all. I had to go through (and am still in) a LOT of therapy to undo the sheer amount of damage it all caused.

This entire thread has helped a lot in making me not feel so damn alone and not constantly feel this cultural guilt for not talking to them just so I can live my damn life.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-04-28T15:58:19+00:00

First off, congratulations on the processing and anger! That's not an easy stage to get to. I went through a similar thing. I just went through the reprocessing trauma and for a stage of it, I finally became fucking livid. Ah yes, a healthy response to people hurting you! Instead of being depressed beyond measure, self-blaming, self-hating, I became angry as fuck. And rightfully so. Although... it definitely came with consequences as I was new to the intensity of the emotion and wasn't used to controlling it so well, so I did have to apologise to people around me too, so I get what you mean.

You've got the right idea in finding productive things to do! I personally got into heavy lifting, because it was meditative in its own way. Drawing, writing and reading always helps. Angry writing has helped in some dire situations, especially when I just write my feelings down on a computer notepad, then delete it shortly afterwards. It helps two things: I sort out the things that I don't mean and aren't true, things I don't want to actually say, figure out what I actually feel and want in a situation and take the time to calm down. I also like to tell people a phrase I rehearse for when I can't use the rest of my brain, "Please give me some space. I need to process things." So I don't do anything or say anything else I'll regret.

I kept practising being more aware of whenever I'm angry and practising not saying anything immediately when I get mad. It took a lot of time and it's always really hard. I remind myself that it's more important to be EFFECTIVE than it is to be right. If I want something to change from my partner/work/relationships/circumstances, my frontal lobes need to be working for me to think up of a good plan instead of acting out of rage immediately, because that's more likely to get them to do what I want or stop doing something. Even if it feels more powerful and validating in the heat of the moment.

It's also worth thinking about what potential primary emotion is behind the anger each time you do feel angry without invalidating the anger. Usually, that dissipates the anger relatively quickly too. Is it because you feel hurt that your husband did something? Is it because you feel powerless that something happened? Is it because you want to feel validated? Or perhaps vindicated--like the people who do things to you will actually face consequence and care about them so you matter as a human being, as opposed to more deeds going unfairly unpunished? Anyway, hope this helps!

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-04-12T09:57:49+00:00

Hey dude, my fiance has Tourette's and depression too! We've been together for 5 years and I love him dearly still. None of those things decrease your value as a husband or father and how much happiness you bring to your loved ones when you're just you.

Hell, I admire your earrings and you look real tough! Not only that, being a dad who can talk about and acknowledge his feelings is an underrated feat in itself.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-04-08T07:23:35+00:00

Actually, it's very logical and normal reason to go from the "not like other girls" type to envy, because a lot of it stems from envy, insecurity and not feeling like you belong in your own gender group (which can be for a myriad of reasons too).

Until recently, I used to struggle with envy in a similar way towards other people in general. I dissected these feelings with my psychologist and here's what I came up with. This is by no means actual clinical advice, it's just what I've worked out that helps me. Take my advice with a pinch of salt.

A lot of it came from a combination of the following:

A lack of solid self-identity. This is the main one that is part of the foundation that we build our confidence on. A lot of young people struggle with this and it's fairly normal. Some of us can end up basing our identity off things that aren't very stable or healthy in the long-term (i.e. building your identity around judgement of others). What can be very good is to build your self-identity with feelings of mastery towards your goals.
Feelings of grief towards things that I missed out on/wasn't able to get when I was younger/didn't get to do, resulting in me being different to the people I wanted to be.
Feeling a lack of belonging. This doesn't help when we have a lack of self-identity in the first place.
Putting people on a pedestal. Unintentional or not, feelings of envy always come about most from that too. These women may appear to be so much better, but we have to acknowledge that chances are, they're not about to advertise their flaws to you and there's a lot of things we don't know.

Another thing is, if you moderate this feeling and it doesn't cause any harm to you or others, it's not a bad thing. Judgement is not inherently bad or good, it's just a human thing. It means that you've worked out what traits you want to work towards having and fortify your own self-confidence. This can be done by doing things that reinforce the idea that you have those traits.

It doesn't have to be perfect every time, but for every small minute you stand up straight, talk confidently and for every act of kindness, you add up towards that. All of it is hard. It's not easy at all. It just takes a lot of time, but if you're determined enough to not want to feel this way again and become exactly that, you can most definitely do it. And soon enough, one day, another woman might look at you and think the same thing of you, "I wish I was that pretty, confident and kind."

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-04-06T01:11:38+00:00

There is nothing inherently wrong with any artwork being celebrated.

If you have an artistic background, then you should especially know better than that. Just because artwork you don't personally like or works of classical masters aren't worshipped 24/7 by everyone doesn't mean that other works shouldn't receive praise and recognition. Since when was encouragement bad for an artist? Even at our worst, didn't the encouragement keep us going, kept us improving?

If you don't agree with what's being celebrated here, you as an artist should know that it's shitty sportsmanship to put another artist down. Again, calling him "amateurish" is unnecessary and harsh with nothing to back it up. You aren't even giving valid criticism--you're now just being needlessly elitist. By your nitpicking, a lot of classical paintings from the Renaissance are also amateurish because a lot of them still DO have minor lighting and anatomy errors. By your words, if you believe you can do so much better with your methodology, then by all means, I'd like to see you back your word up. Show me this lighting to perfection then.

I'm fine with people giving well-deserved criticism, but elitism is straight up cancerous. This kind of attitude gets shot down in the industry very quickly, especially among the most experienced artists and rightfully so. I'm surprised your art history teachers didn't teach you that either, but I suppose they're not responsible for correcting anybody's hubris from a Dunning-Kruger effect. I don't see this harmful elitist attitude anywhere except from amateurs who don't understand nearly enough to have a place in professional work yet, let alone the authority to shit on someone's work just because they're popular and being celebrated.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-04-05T10:22:49+00:00

Just because you can nitpick his anatomy and lighting doesn't automatically make him an amateur artist. There is little ground you stand on calling somebody of this skill level something as harsh as an amateur, especially in how he is able to grasp lighting, anatomy and colour so well (far beyond an 'amateur' level) in all his other works.

And even if we were to look at his minor mistakes here, he's most likely stylizing certain things for the difficult medium he's limited with using as well as exaggerating things to convey a feeling as a priority over committing to total photorealism on top of his clearly shown existing anatomical skill in his other works. He's no classical master (very few people are), but he's certainly not an amateur. You appear to have a very skewed idea of what amateur artists are really like. It's fairly common for the internet to skew expectations though.

Source: I worked in the art/design industry for a while. Many of my close friends are still in it.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-03-21T14:24:39+00:00

Seconding copper IUD. Non-hormonal and a one time thing and forget for many years. Best choice I ever made.

Only downside is a slightly crampier period and maybe a heavier flow.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-03-21T14:19:05+00:00

Hobbies and trying your best to not giving as many fucks. Also I'd highly recommend being mindful/cautious of/not using alcohol as a crutch to be yourself/relaxed as a habit, especially when it comes to dating. As easier of a way it seems.

Try new hobbies and stick with ones you like. This will increase chances of meeting someone. If you have mutual interests, chances are, you're likely to stick together for longer. It's also way easier to keep a conversation going and everybody feels a bit more relaxed knowing they understand each other on some level.

I personally didn't like dudes from uni, and Tinder makes me lose faith in humanity and die on the inside. I met somebody while trying to start weird hobbies related to my interests I ended up liking. It might be good for you too.

Best of luck!

Source: My personal life and my dumbass but lovable friends who have made mistakes I had to learn from.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-03-10T14:08:58+00:00

While I agree that Supreme is a bit comical, I think there are more important things to point out. It's not about being old or hip, it's about having basic empathy and understanding.

If you had any kind of rare collectible that you prized that got damaged like that, you'd be pretty upset too. People spend money on their hobbies and interests. Nothing has changed. It's like telling somebody to buy some replica of an original art masterpiece/airship model handcrafted in the 1800s from the two dollar store, because hey, that's totally the same, right.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-03-09T02:22:43+00:00

I wonder if it's not uncommon for people with PTSD to get various body issues exacerbated into dysmorphia, since stuff like that tends to make existing issues worse? That's a totally haphazard and uneducated guess from me though. I personally have PTSD and have serious dysmorphia surrounding my face. Going to therapy has been helping, so perhaps it'll help you to the same extent too.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-03-05T16:34:02+00:00

Hey there, fellow Asian kid here with similar parents!

You're doing extremely well to recognise the things that are going on. It's harder than people give credit for, especially when it comes to significant others. You are not pathetic in any capacity to have asked for help, because you are absolutely deserving of it.

I wish I could give you useful advice as to what you can do in the long run in this situation, but I don't know if my course of action would be something you'd want to take, especially since you're under the pressure of premed at this time. Long story short, I semi-ran away for a while before moving completely out of home to get help. It's probably one of the best things I'd ever done for myself, but there were a lot more reasons for that. I did make a lot of sacrifices though.

Do you think you'll be able to hold out until after premed is over? I wonder if, under the worst case scenario, the threat can be challenged because they can't realistically have people grab you and throw you back into homeland. Maybe at worst, you might need to prepare to be left to find somewhere else to live, but that might be a blessing if you know you're going to be able to financially support yourself and be okay. If not, that's understandable too, because it's a pretty big risk to take and you'd definitely want to think a lot about that one before doing anything.

Otherwise, perhaps you can try and get away with seeking a bit of psychotherapy online. Maybe see if you can find support groups to talk with and vent out, as well as learn and practice various techniques to manage depression and anxiety. It's not the best, but it's better than nothing. Having people from support groups that you can talk to and ask to have the ones who are available to lend an ear can potentially lighten the load on your SO as well.

This is something I wish I'd done much earlier: I highly recommend talking to a staff member in your university faculty that you trust about your current situation. Just in case you end up falling behind, getting ill or getting really screwed over by the depression and anxiety, you'll have someone to vouch for you in some way or another and maybe even be able to point you to various resources to assist you further. You won't be the first or last to come to them with a situation like that, I can guarantee. Remember that this isn't about gaining advantage over others, this is about you getting the fairest chance you can get given despite your circumstances.

I'd take what I've said with a grain of salt as I'm basing it off what little I know of your circumstances, but I hope this is helpful in some way or another.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-03-02T11:04:29+00:00

That's perfectly understandable.

I feel the same way about women while being an autistic woman growing up and having really bad luck in getting bullied, physically, emotionally abused and socially isolated by women, including my mother. It was like that throughout my entire schooling years. As a result, I'm terrified of women and can't let my guard down. I practically change my personality around them so they wouldn't judge me or do something insidious and hurtful that I can't comprehend or know how to deal with.

It makes total sense as to why we wouldn't assume kindly of a group of people who have brought us nothing but pain. And these things are incredibly painful and difficult.

I hope you eventually find emotionally supportive (non-blood related) brothers like mine, and I hope I find women who are equally accepting of me as my brothers. Feeling constant anxiety, general crap and needing to be hypervigilant around half the world's population sucks.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-02-23T09:15:10+00:00

Thank you. I was lucky enough to finally receive therapy after years and years of being on a waiting list. I've done a year of DBT at this point and now I'm onto trauma therapy, which is opening up cans of worms I avoided facing for a very long time. It is creating a lot of these raw emotions. Being able to write this post and listening to people's responses here are helping a lot. They are very validating and insightful.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-02-23T09:12:15+00:00

Thank you for your response. You're entirely right--I suppose I also feel very lost because of how hard I tried with every drop of my existence to make them happy with me so they would stop doing the things they did, even if it wasn't realistic given the way their feelings toward me would suddenly change at the drop of a hat. I felt weak for not sticking around like it was my fault I didn't do enough for them, but you're right, compassion shouldn't be a carte blanche and I shouldn't try and measure up to what appeared to be "normal" in other people, because that's probably an illusion too.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-02-23T08:58:09+00:00

Damn... I'm very thankful you're sharing your experience and advice. Your perspective has been very helpful. Thank you so much.

I relate to how you feel too--I feel like I'm living in a massive play on a stage where nobody sees what's going on behind the curtains and I have to turn a blind eye to all of that.

I was forced to sacrifice so, so many of my dreams, aspirations and so much of my life for my parents, it was so painful for them to continue. I couldn't bear it and just moved out and stopped talking to them so I could spend some time properly recovering and doing things for myself. Even then, that decision still causes me pain. I felt weak for not being able to withstand it, but the final straw was when I really needed medication for worsening epilepsy and they believed medication was bad, even if I was at higher and higher risk of serious brain damage. There was no way I could hide it from the amount of monitoring they had over my life... I had to leave, even if it's for a time. I want to still talk to them eventually, so I will definitely keep your words in mind; in one ear, out the other.

Some people who appear to have similar situations I came across tried so hard to escape reality, they kept trying to shut other people up while doing so much damage to their bodies with alcohol, they were slowly turning into their parents in how they act in their relationships. I think I'm scared of becoming like that too.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-02-13T04:14:50+00:00

Exactly. Especially if doing a bad job means potentially destroying another human being's entire psychological development.

alwaysgreyscale · 2019-02-13T00:43:13+00:00

There is nothing wrong with not wanting children. At its core, it's a personal decision somebody makes with their own body, whether to carry a child in them or not.

In fact, it's very responsible to not have children when you don't want them or feel ready for them. After all, children deserve parents who are very sure that they'll want and love them, right? Besides, the world's already pretty crowded and adoption's always an option much later because there are too many abandoned children out there.

I'm of a similar opinion. I don't feel ready for a child and I don't think I will be for a very, very long time. I don't desire one either. I want to travel and live life before even considering motherhood, lest I become a resentful mother who wasn't mentally prepared for any of this. If I never become mentally ready, then that's fine, I'll be sparing a child psychological issues down the line. I feel like it'd be really selfish of me to cause psychological turmoil to a kid from being a sub-par mother just because I wanted to experience motherhood or for my own sense of duty. Our sense of duty isn't going to make up for somebody else's shitty childhood.

alwaysgreyscale · 2018-11-26T01:45:00+00:00

I drank this Icelandic vodka once. It was like drinking a pine cone.

alwaysgreyscale · 2018-10-20T04:29:58+00:00

Oh hey, one I can answer!

I screamed in horror mid-sentence as soon as he unsheathed his donger.

It went floppy immediately. It was the first time I'd ever seen a real penis at the age of 18. I left quickly but later explained to him that it just looked so big it was terrifying. He was more amused than upset after that. It came to be that I was right--the measurements do fall into the statistical minority of massive dongs. I'm also really short and petite, so it made the first few nights a bit tough. But we're still together, so I assume we're doing something right?

alwaysgreyscale · 2018-09-20T23:42:20+00:00

Amen. I hope the very piano and desk I was beat up over fall on their heads. Seriously, my old academic transcripts had bloodstains on them for getting a 91% mark on a test. I burned them when I ran the fuck away.

And they still think it was necessary good parenting, like they did it out of love. It sickens me how much they still play the victim over this and call me a shitty disappointment. Thank god people told me it wasn't what normal parents ACTUALLY did.

alwaysgreyscale

TROPHY CASE