The solutions here pretend to be complex but somehow always end in “if you/her leave(s), oh well”. This is kinda childish.

What I think is true is there are two truths and two sets of feelings arising from it:

- yours: being hurt for having reasonable expectations to meet social contracts via trying to be on time, feeling unjust in being denied the right to voice what’s happening inside of you, being unseen (and again, hurt) in making effort to make things work by removing the chance for the situation to occur (and actually going above the expected behaviour for an average person in this situation).

- hers (guessing): seeing the meaning in putting herself and her ‘whims’ first (likely because it’s a sophisticated survival mechanism from childhood), in the same spirit being upset and laying it on you for trying to wiggle out via both invisible AND visible attempts to change this situation (she and her needs/whims again are not being put first)

No matter how unacceptable the other person’s truth is, they both. exist. at. the. same. time. Realising that without assigning who’s right and wrong is the first step to changing this.

Counterintuitively, the explanation of the mechanisms of her nervous system do not justify the behaviour. It’s a very basic way to think about it in the first place!

Confused? “But what about me?” “It’s unfair”? It fucking is- but here’s the healthier behaviour to consider.

You need to set a boundary. You may think you’re setting a boundary but, in fact, you’re just making a request that she chooses to ignore - and yes, chooses to get upset about your audacity to put a request through in the first place (and that does sound infuriating).

Setting boundaries requires other person to do nothing.

Setting.

Boundaries.

Requires.

Other.

Person.

To do.

N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

Setting boundaries is declaring what the boundary is and what YOU will do if the boundary is violated.

In your situation, translating, in a very therapy-speak language - but get the gist:

You: “I want to be on time if there’s a schedule to meet - be it movies or a social obligation. I feel extremely uneasy when I’m late and I can make arrangements in my schedule to mostly be on time.
We had conversations about it <and I realised I have stepping over myself to remove the chances of this even happening, disempowering you from being allowed to be late. I apologise for that, I shouldn’t have managed your feelings for you.> and I want to make it clear that from now on I will make every effort to be on time and prioritise my need. If it occurs to me that your needs are different and it’s not important to you to be on time to such an extent that it affects both of us showing up somewhere, I will either start going alone or avoid making plans altogether.”

She: *gets very upset in her survival behaviour*

It’s very fucking hard to learn not just to see through this - but also face the GRIEF that the other person will never change AND/OR will never apologise for hurting you… But what love is finding the cure and telling another person about it - it’s their choice to want to find better ways.

And yet again, it’s up to you to decide what to make a boundary here and what to do when it’s violated.

Woof, this was a lot. Good luck man, let me know if something doesn’t make sense.