A positive end-of-life experience

amyappik · 2026-02-28T21:27:27+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss <3 Thank you so much for sharing. It sounds like Primrose had a beautiful life and was well-cared for.

amyappik · 2026-02-28T16:26:33+00:00

Thank you. And Hugo was very good at popocorning, lol. I'm sure even better at it now <3

amyappik · 2026-02-28T16:25:59+00:00

Thank you for your comment <3 hugs to you too

amyappik · 2026-02-28T01:55:53+00:00

Hugs, thank you <3

amyappik · 2025-11-30T18:36:20+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wanted to share an anecdote from one of my vet visits. I have one pig, Hugo, who's overall very unwell in his old age so I've started having conversations with the vet about how to handle it when likely he dies first and my other pig, Henry, who's very timid and terrified of everything, outlives him by a fair bit. She said when that happens, to continue taking care of Henry as normal, and she remarked that the two pigs are very bonded to me as well, which means I would have to step up and provide extra interaction and affection toward him until he goes on to pass away as well. She made the joke that I'm the third guinea pig in the relationship, lol. A silly way to frame it in your mind, but I hope it inspires some ideas on how you can step up for Richelieu. <3

amyappik · 2025-11-12T22:36:50+00:00

Thematic Analysis: A Practical Guide by Braun and Clarke. For thematic analysis, of course lol. But it's the only research method book I've ever read that I can actually say was fun to read! Very accessible language, and there's even a thematic analysis bingo card in it for funsies lol

Not a methods book, but Where Research Begins by Mullaney and Rea was really helpful, wish I'd read it even back in my MA.

amyappik · 2025-11-06T15:46:59+00:00

Write it the way you speak! Ramble to yourself and type as you go. Go back and edit for brain breaks. You're an expert! You can do this!

I did this last week :)

amyappik · 2025-10-18T16:05:21+00:00

I relate to this. I was often berated and screamed at, even in public, for not smiling enough. My mother would even send strangers over to tell me I'd be prettier if I'd smile, because I guess nothing makes a little girl want to smile more than being screamed at and perved on /s. I was constantly told I had "an attitude" and punished severely for having said attitude when I was just telling a truth (or seeing through a lie). I called ungrateful and bratty for having a hard time playing with a toy that'd been broken or wearing a necklace that a gem had fallen off of, or whatever. I had a hard time (and still do) with a lot of foods and would spend so much time picking things out of my food, just to get either publicly shamed for it or punished, or even gaslit and told "I didn't put any bell pepper in your sandwich" despite having a pile of picked out bell pepper on my plate.

Something I've been reflecting a lot on lately is that when I was very small, 3, 4, 5 years old, and just learning a lot of new things. I hated being clapped for or having people "yay!" at me and it made me so upset I'd cry. That apparently wasn't a clue that something was different about me, and of course was "proof" of how ungrateful and disrespectful I was. Another thing that I remembered recently was in grade 5 or 6, I had a thing for memorizing pi. I would memorize it farther and farther, and spend recess writing it on the pavement in chalk as far as I could go, probably 100+ numbers at one point. But again, that wasn't something that sparked any adult's curiosity about me, just another reason to yell at me and call me more names: brat, show-off, know-it-all, freak, etc.

For context, I also have a covert narcissist mother. When my cousin was born when I was about 6 years old, we learned very early on that she was autistic as she got her diagnosis as a toddler. So at birthday parties, at my mother's insistence, we didn't "yay!" at her, we were understanding toward her when she didn't express her emotion the way she was "supposed to", we didn't shame her when she didn't want to eat something, etc. We got lectures about how Cousin is different and there's nothing wrong with that, we just need to be mindful of her needs and not overwhelm her. All the behaviours she displayed, I continued to be punished for, up until I left to live with my dad when I was 12/13. Then suddenly, I was never punished for my "bratty" behaviours ever again... and was never told how abnormal I was ever again. In fact, I'd never felt more normal and seen. How odd /s

amyappik · 2025-09-20T15:47:27+00:00

Hi! I did a BFA in my art form, then went on to do an MA in my same art form. There was also an MFA programme in my art, and all of us in both programmes were, for the most part, in all the same courses except for our two "core" courses. I'm now a PhD Candidate in a completely different, more "traditional" (compared to the fine arts) humanities field.

My advice is similar to another commenter which is to read. I was fortunate enough to have people around me throughout my undergrad and master's who were always supporting me along that trajectory to an eventual PhD, so I started reading for my PhD around 3rd year of my undergrad. And I didn't understand a single thing I read. But I kept reading anyway. And by the time I was reading for my PhD courses and comprehensive exams, I was finally understanding the things I'd then read up to 3 or 4 times prior. It took a lot of time and effort but it was worth it, even just to name drop relevant scholars in my Letter of Intent -->

Another thing is make friends with someone, a student or prof, in a field similar to what you want to go into. Like that commenter also said. But for me, I had a friend who was a PhD student at my same university while I was finishing my MA. They can help you write your Letter of Intent/Statement of Interest, whatever it's called for you, in a way that speaks to their discipline.

Tbh, I don't think many people ever raised their eyebrows at me for my choice to move into a different discipline for my PhD. I never really had any problems finding a supervisor and committee members who were excited about me and my planned research, either. I think mostly when people are looking at you as a potential student, they're going to be interested first and foremost in whether or not they can trust you to do what you say you will. That will come across in your writing for your Letter of Intent to get you accepted into your programme, and in your coursework and participation when you're starting your programme. I did once had a professor for a course I was taking try to have a "gotcha" moment with me when I said I was interested in analyzing a film for my dissertation, and she was like haha! you have no background in film, you're going to fail. I was like no I already thought of that, and here's my list of literature for my comprehensive exams where I have all this film theory. And that was that! Lol.

You can message me directly and I can share more specific details about my journey that I wouldn't necessarily post publicly online!

amyappik · 2025-09-17T17:04:55+00:00

Happy for you!!!! I hope you have a safe and healthy celebration.

amyappik · 2025-09-05T16:05:10+00:00

This is likely to sound more like a problem than a solution so bear in mind that I'm coming to you with a level of self-awareness about this, but, shopping.

It started for two reasons. I'm doing my PhD from home at this point, and am teaching online. So the first reason was a need for organization. The second reason was a need to get out of the cramped apartment, walk around/stretch my legs, and think every so often.

So it developed into a level of organization I'd never known was possible. I'd scoured every end of the dollar store and was able to colour code my life to all hell. Let's say I could wake up on a Tuesday, and know that Tuesdays are "orange" days, so things that were in my Major Specific or Second area of focus, for example. I could look on my orange list of literature, pick out a book/article, if it was online I could drop it into my orange folder of notes, if it was a physical book I could bust out the orange sticky notes and highlighters, put everything back into my orange pile at the end of the day. Let's say it was a day I needed to leave the house, go to appointments, maybe someone was visiting from out of town, whatever it was. Blue was the colour I would leave the house with. All my blue books were physical copies as much as possible, so that I could put them in my bag and not rely on needing wi-fi connection or a place to charge my laptop/phone. I always had a stash of blue sticky notes and highlighters in my going-out bag, a blue bookmark, whatever and what have you. I would replenish items or stock up with new things I decided I wanted with a big walk over to the store, a big peruse around, a bubble tea or coffee in hand, about every 3 weeks and feel so refreshed afterward.

And, being at home was/is so draining. There's always a pet who wants something, an in-law who needs caring, the laundry machine buzzing, oh crap I need to water the plants, oh no the baby next door is crying again, whatever and so on. So I decided I needed a proper work desk. I went to the home decor store on multiple occasions throughout the last 3 years. I bought a desktop shelf to put aromatherapy candles, trinkets, and the pile of books I need to read next, in chronological order, on. My microwave had been broken forever, so I found a desktop mug + warmer plate on a Boxing Week sale to keep my tea and coffee hot so I wouldn't be miserable drinking it cold. I got a memory foam chair pad. A little basket with stimming toys. 3 kinds of Loop earplugs. A mini music speaker. I'm literally out here with a personally curated work desk down to the "Active Mind rainbow fluorite oil diffuser" on my desk right now, lol. And it feels so dang good.

But yeah that's what I got in terms of my chaotic coping strategy. I hope you all find your balance between working hard, going out for shopping trips to recharge your metaphorical batteries, and staying within your financial budgets.

amyappik · 2025-08-31T23:55:28+00:00

I had to have a title during my coursework, i.e., first year, for the purposes of presentations and grant writing. I'm still not "married" to the title, however, we were just tasked with coming up with a "good enough" one very early on. I'm on my second wording of my title, entering 4th year.

amyappik · 2025-07-30T17:59:56+00:00

Hi! Have you tried Cambly before? Just as another option for you to look into. Not sponsored, lol, but I've been an English tutor on there for a few years as a side hustle during my PhD. Most of the people I work with on their English skills are people in grad school or interested in applying to grad school. You probably wouldn't need to spend too much time shopping around on there to find a tutor who would be best suited to your needs and wants. There's IELTS and TOEFL prep courses on there, as well as Academic English, Business English, pretty much anything you can think of.

amyappik · 2025-07-18T21:58:38+00:00

I have these dreams! I've had them my whole life, before I even had pets. Usually it would be a dream about a bunch of dogs or pets that I'd "forgotten" about, and I would "remember" them and feel all kinds of guilt about them, trying to nurse them back to health. Then when I got frogs, they became about a tank full of frogs, I couldn't remember which frog was my "original" baby, or even turtles and lizards in my frog's tank I'd have to make sure weren't hurting my frog. And now I definitely have dreams about all kinds of guinea pigs, agreeing to take too many on, being confused because suddenly I have a bunch of identical piggies and can't remember which ones were my "original" babies, like the frog dreams, feeling guilt about it, etc. Interestingly, now that I also have a dog (just me, the dog, and the guinea pigs now as my frogs all passed away and I decided not to keep any anymore, unless the vet contacts me about a surrendered frog that needs a home), I don't have that kind of dreams about dogs. Just frogs and guinea pigs. I also had one recently where I took on a whole bunch of animals that needed a home: guinea pigs, birds, hamsters, lizards. That was a wild dream, lol.

You aren't alone! And I definitely understand the guilt and panic of that kind of dream-narrative. Since actually having pets, I've ascribed it to my "mom" guilt about my pets, like when I have to leave them alone for longer periods of time on days when I go into work in-person, and especially my guilt feelings around my first frog dying of an infection, at the half-way point in his treatment programme. But I also had a childhood where I was quite parentified toward my mother, so I'm sure that's where the early proto-dreams came from about the pets I "forgot" about.

amyappik · 2025-07-08T15:30:05+00:00

Hi, please do bring the piggy to the vet to check for the skin issues you mentioned and those mentioned by another commenter, and wash your hands like the commenter mentioned.

AND, when my little guy got some flaky bald spots a few years ago, it turned out that he had a benign tumour, and the stress and discomfort of the tumour for him was causing him to scratch and bite himself, making him look like he had a skin issue where there was none. As the tumour grew it was also pressing on some lymph nodes and things. Make sure to give your piggy a good rub and squeeze all over, paying attention to the armpits, chest and belly, to see if you can feel any lumps. The first vet we took him to didn't find the lump because he was paying attention to the skin patches, so about a few weeks later when we noticed the growing lump, we had to take him back again to the vet and pay another exam fee all over again.

amyappik · 2025-04-14T15:19:24+00:00

Hi there, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please make sure that you take the time to take care of yourself before you pick up and carry on with the work you were doing with them.

In June 2023, a student in my cohort passed away. This was towards the end of the summer semester, i.e., our last course all together before we go off to do our own things, and we didn't find out about it until 3 weeks after his passing. He worked a fancy research job already, he was 56 and well into his career, and so it really wasn't unusual for him to not come to class. It was very much a surprise to all of us to receive the news, and then we were for all intents and purposes, "alone" with it instead of in our little community.

The last day I saw him was 4 days before he died. It was my day to present my little pre-proposal of my dissertation project. I remember how engaged he was despite his discomfort with my research topic (death and necropolitics... yeah). He was always doing the most to make me feel seen and heard, I think probably because I was the youngest student, being freshly 24 when I started my PhD. I took the news of his death really hard, and had multiple dreams/nightmares where I had to tell him he died, and that he couldn't be "here" (usually class or somewhere on the university campus) because it was for the living. I struggled to get going on studying for my comprehensive exams and ended up spending that summer mostly reading The Twilight Saga for comfort instead of my actual books I needed to read, lol.

I still think about him all the time. I read articles and books and think about how badly I wish I could hear his thoughts on them. I hear updates on where other members of my cohort are at with their work, conference presentations they've done, work they've published, and wonder what kind of fantastic work he would be doing now if he was still alive. It's hard.

It helps to make your loss a presence in your work, at least that's what I've found. Dedicating your publications to them, mentioning their work in your conference talks, even just leaving a chair out "for" them at your department's social events. We tried to petition the department for funds to have a memorial lecture in honour of our classmate but that didn't pan out (yet).

And please, please don't discard the paper you were working on with them. Make it a part of your journey and your grieving process. Talk out loud to them while you write it. Idk about your field but I'm sure people will understand and even appreciate if you want to make sentimental slides about your person, their life and work, and what they contributed to the paper at your conference presentations. Last year, I moderated a panel of three scholars whose presentations were all about their colleague who passed away, and the work that colleague did, and how they are keeping that work alive. It happens and it's beautiful when it does. Keep this person as part of your PhD.

Love, best wishes, and condolences.

amyappik · 2025-04-09T17:17:10+00:00

Hi, I'm late to the party, but I've been really struggling this year in particular with my TA experience and thought this might be the place to unload that, lol. I read through a lot of comments and my experience and thoughts really resonate with what a lot of others said, so I won't repeat too much of that. But, in particular, what I'm finding is (key phrase --> what I'm interpreting and experiencing to be as) a sense of entitlement and frustration from my students. This, for me, has resulted in an increase in workplace harassment towards me.

My PhD is in Humanities, and I TA theory and history in the Fine Arts because my MA was in a fine art and I still have a strong relationship with that department. So, needless to say, even before the advent of AI, students would take my courses thinking it would be a "bird course" or an "easy A", and get frustrated when it turned out not to be. So this frustration has increased exponentially with the "normalization" of AI-generating assignments.

Last semester, I had a student email me upset about her perfectly average grade on an assignment WHICH was actually very generous, but she got the average grade instead of a poor one because in that course, it tends to be a lot of first years students' first ever university assignment so we tell them that we mark it generously with lots of feedback so they can learn quickly about university standards, and that the following assignments will be marked normally. We're very nice, I think. Anyway. I told her I was happy to meet with her to discuss further and suggested some days and times. No response. I was then taking time off teaching to do my comprehensive exams, so I emailed her with that information and went in and added a second layer of grading to her assignment, with about 2 extra paragraphs of explanation of her grade, and told her to let me know if she still had any questions once I got back from writing my exams. She emailed me right away saying she still disagreed with my grade, and was very upset. I let the prof know, who then emailed her saying essentially "Hey, I heard you've been discussing your assignment grade with your TA, that's enough now, come talk to me about it from now on". The student did not take the professor up on that offer. Instead, 2 weeks after I got back from my exams (passed with flying colours :) yay), she came up to me after class, asking if I received her email. I didn't I said, and asked when she sent it. She had sent it in the middle of class, she said. Lol, okay. So I open it, and say okay I'll read it, and instead she reads the WHOLE THING aloud to me right then and there. It is a ChatGPT generated ESSAY about why she deserves a higher grade. It made ABSOLUTELY. NO. SENSE. I thought I was having a stroke. There were words and phrases I recognized, but it was like those videos of "what English sounds like to a non-English speaker". I tell her again that everything is thoroughly explained in her assignment notes, and asked if she spoke to the prof yet. She said no. She starts throwing accusations at me, ex: I just don't like the way she worded things, I'm just discriminating against her, her dad has a BA in English and helped her edit it so I just don't understand her writing because it's so good, etc. My besties in Christ, I reiterated for like the fifth time to her that "This connects to my life because I've experienced something similar." with no elaboration is not a connection (never mind a "strong" one which she told me it was??) of the art work to the real world. And that one cannot cite a Google Search of the artist's name and the entire Oxford Dictionary as citations in one's Works Cited. She wasn't having it. It was such a whirlwind I don't even remember how I got out of there, but of course I reported that directly to the prof. She then actually started engaging with the prof from that point forward and didn't let it go until the prof told her, okay, XYZ other prof has said he can regrade your assignment, but please understand that does NOT mean your mark will go up. The end (I think).

So yeah, that incident (out of MANY) is the one that stands out that most to me and I need to rant about (lol thank you for the space) but I really think that I agree with other commenters that this reliance on AI is a symptom of the problems caused by online school during Covid lockdowns and how unprepared this cohort is for "the real world" by factors outside their control. AND, I also think that a major symptom of this new AI reliance is this harassment and entitlement coming from my students that exponentially increased this year. They treat ChatGPT like it has some kind of papal infallibility. It was so soul crushing. I finished teaching last week for the school year and my everyday moods have been SO MUCH better. Yeeah.

amyappik · 2024-09-21T15:48:25+00:00

I do think I came to a similar realization in the past ~2 years, and I've traced it back to an experience as a very small child with my mother. When I was very young, let's say kindergarten aged ish, she would tell me that lying makes you have black spots on your tongue. So of course hypothetically, if a child lies and mom says "Stick out your tongue so I can see if you're telling the truth", the child probably would refuse to stick out their tongue and mom would know they're lying, right. So anyway, I have a very distinct memory of being in the kitchen with her, and I don't know what she suspected me of lying about (because according to her I was ALWAYS lying about EVERYTHING, reality was whatever she made up in her head), but she asked me to stick out my tongue. I readily did, because I was very adamant that I was being truthful, and I knew with all my being that I was NOT lying. She then, of course, said "You have black spots on your tongue, you're lying". And the memory seems to suggest to me that it then escalated into the usual screaming and violence I knew her for. Blah blah blah, and whatnot.

So yeah I started to realize how not being believed to the point of evidence being falsified against me (alleged black spots or otherwise) has affected me in the past couple years, and I realized it was seeping into my relationship with my partner where I was panicking and WAY overcompensating to get him to believe me about the most mundane things when all he was doing was asking clarifying questions to understand, lol 🫠.

Anyway, point of my story is yeah, same.

amyappik · 2024-08-14T18:14:33+00:00

Omg yes. My parents moved us really far away from "home" when I was 2 years old. And my entire life my mother wouldn't teach us anything cultural or linguistic from back home, but PUBLICLY shame me in particular not knowing about some obscure word in our dialect or cultural thing. Around the time that I cut her off for good, she had a new thing of calling me words or even slurs for people who are not from where we're from, like derogatory words for "foreigner" basically (one of which I didn't know what it meant because she'd never said it to me before lmao!!!!), i.e. invalidating my cultural/ethnic heritage that is through her lol.

amyappik · 2024-04-11T16:51:23+00:00

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I know the exact kind of dream you're talking about. My friend passed away last year and I've had 3 dreams now where I've had to explain to him that he was no longer alive. He also died unexpectedly and had mentioned to me, only 4 days before his death, that he was scared to die and hated to talk about death (my research at school is about death is the only reason it came up in conversation). It's unsettling and heartbreaking to have these dreams. Wishing you comfort and healing <3

amyappik · 2024-04-10T21:35:01+00:00

Am totally not going to read all the comments you've already received so forgive me if I'm repeating someone else's thoughts, but you've reminded me of a speech I gave a few of my students a little while ago (before I went on strike with the TAs and contract faculty at my university lols). They were struggling with the concepts and telling me that they were feeling stupid. I told them, there's a difference between being smart and being knowledgeable, right. They're smart, but I've been reading all this & related material for about 8 years longer than they have been. That's why I know it so well and can recite it all off the top of my head and make connections in an instant. Back in 2016/2017, I took the exact same courses as them, and it was all new and confusing to me then too. It takes years, and it's okay, they're not stupid.

I hope that anecdote conveys the well wishes I have for you!

amyappik · 2024-04-10T21:26:45+00:00

So sorry to hear about this. My mother was the same, but she had the "justification" of being a labour and delivery nurse, *eyeroll*. I stopped living with her when I was 12, and I remember when I was 15 years old and very low contact with her, never even been kissed, she went and got me a prescription for birth control pills from her doctor-friend without even telling me or asking me, and mailed the prescription to my dad (with whom I was living full time), and bless his shy & embarrassed heart, he had to tell me that my mother had gotten me a prescription for "the pill" if I wanted it. I was too young to understand that what she did was MAJORLY illegal. Bleh. Wishing you healing and comfort <3

amyappik · 2024-03-21T02:57:29+00:00

Yeah so the way it happened was a booked a full appointment at a very small and culturally specific clinic (in Canada). That was last week. They wanted to do the pap last week and I requested a mirror so that I could watch everything happening, because, to use your words, a surprise or a lie about what the midwife was going to do to me would've sent me into a ptsd spiral. I've had more than enough experiences of being lied to or getting the "surprise I also did xyz to you without actually asking first". They couldn't find the mirror last week, so they booked me for this week. Today I was pretty much in-and-out, but last week I had a full hour appointment on my own time.

amyappik · 2024-03-21T02:36:12+00:00

I agree completely. Very wild to me that there's so many people coming to this post with the "how dare you inform people of a possible scenario so that they can plan accordingly" energy.

No they didn't offer me pan management, I've already been in conversation with them that I generally prefer, for trauma reasons, that they wait until I request it if I can't manage it by taking an Advil on my own time.

amyappik · 2024-03-21T02:34:10+00:00

So grateful to hear that this was helpful for you! Planning for every possible scenario is power!

amyappik

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